The Meeting

Well this report is a little overdue and doesn't have a "happily ever after" ending but I'll share anyways for all of you who are wondering and who have said kind and encouraging words over the last week or so.

The meeting went really well. We met at a Chinese restaurant (Narasimha, me, our friends who know the birthmom, the birthmom, and her mom) and had a nice lunch. When we got there I thought "this place is so crowded how are we ever going to talk about something so serious?" but it ended up working out perfectly. I don't think anyone wanted to talk with all those people around so we just had a nice lunch and got to know each other better. By the time we were done eating the restaurant cleared out. The food was gone and the bill was paid and we were all sitting there looking at our hands - no one knew where to start. Finally I broke the silence and we had a really nice talk. We told her that we care about her - not just because she's carrying a baby we'd like to have, but because she's a person and she's in a scary place. We talked about her options (abortion, adoption, keeping the baby) and the pros and cons of each (and, if you're wondering, I pointed out how we can be tricked into thinking the cons are really pros in the case of abortion, where there really are no "pros"). We talked about what being a mother might look like in her situation - how hard it would be and how she might not be ready. We talked about adoption and how even though it's not easy, sometimes (and more often in certain situations) it really is the most loving and selfless thing an expectant mom can do for her baby and for another family. We showed her the faces of 2 people who want a baby more than we even know how to express, and how we're normal, happy people who just can't have kids. We told her that if she adopted it out, we would be honored if she would consider/choose us to raise her baby, but that there was no obligation and would be no hard feelings if she wanted to check out other families. I told her I would be there to support her every step of the way no matter what she ended up choosing to do. We gave her the number for a pregnancy counselor from Bethany Christian Services (an adoption agency that I've heard supports their birth moms very well). Upon a question she asked, we talked a little about how we thought we'd raise the baby if she did give it to us. On the way out we all hugged and she excitedly showed me an ultrasound she had just a few days earlier. The baby was just a little white peanut on the fuzzy black background.

I think she had a fair amount of pressure to abort the baby, but I never got the feeling that she had any interest in doing so. I think in her mind it was whether to keep it (which I think she really wanted to do, but knew she would have a really hard time doing) or give it to another family.

Unfortunately this story does not have a warm fuzzy ending. Last night when I was coaching at my volleyball game I got a voicemail from her. She didn't feel "right" so she was on her way to the doctor. We texted back and forth and she said she might be losing the baby but she wouldn't know until Thursday (tomorrow). I got a text about a half hour ago saying that she lost the baby.

I told her I am praying for her and that I'd like to continue to have a relationship with her - she is really a great person and honestly after the meeting I was torn about even wanting her baby because that would have probably meant less of a relationship with her, which I also want. I am going to go visit her soon. Please pray for her during this difficult time - she must be feeling a lot of different things right now. I know I am.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (my paraphrase) You do not have any trial or hardship in your life that others haven't gone through before - it may be tough but it's not unique and you're not alone. God is faithful and He'll never give you more than He'll help you to handle, and because of how much He loves you He'll give you a way not just to survive but to thrive in any situation, no matter how hard it is. The ultimate victory is in honoring Christ in the midst of any struggle.

A Meeting

We get to meet the expectant mom. TOMORROW! I still have no idea that it will work out, or even that it should, but to be an encouragement to a woman in need will be worth the time no matter what happens. Please pray for our words and our hearts - that when we meet we are most concerned with this woman and her baby and their well-being, and that our own interest in the situation is not selfish or manipulative. I talked with a friend and her words made me realize that this woman's need right now, if she doesn't personally have a relationship with Jesus (and I don't think she does), has everything to do with that lack of relationship and nothing to do with her baby. If she gives her life to Christ then everything else in her life, including this baby, will fall into place. It might not be easy, but this avenue called pregnancy could be leading her to the highway called eternal salvation. Nothing is more important.

A Baby

Well, I have something to report for those who are interested and to ask for prayer for those of you who pray.

I was approached by a friend and told of a baby that she knows of that could potentially be available for adoption. The parents of this baby are not ready to be parents and for some reason (praise God - no matter if we got the baby or not) they are not interested in abortion. So, there is a baby that will likely need a home. Apparently the mother is only a month or two along in the pregnancy, so it would give us plenty of time to work out the details.

I obviously want a baby - we've tried to get pregnant for over 4 years now, which seems at times like an eternity. But, I don't know if this baby is for us. So we'll wait and see. And pray a whole lot in the meantime. Several people in the last few years have said stuff to us like "I know a pregnant lady who might be giving her baby up..." or "I heard of a baby the other day and thought of you two..." so, I've heard this before and won't be getting my hopes too far up. I don't even know if it's possible with Narasimha's immigration status - I don't know if we can adopt an American baby. All details we'll have to check into. So, in my free time (HA! - I have none) I will see what I can find out on the internet and calling around.

But, if this little one is a baby for our family, well, I can't help but feel a little excited about that.

Pray for us as we check into this and make decisions - I am sure there will be many.

Speed Bump

We have hit a speed bump, of sorts, in our adoption process. I'll detail what I can.

This morning I got on the US Govt's website to find information to start working through this adoption on an immigration level. I downloaded a form called an I-600A, which is the form I thought I needed. Then I got a number of someone in the State Dept (I think anyways) and called her and left a message. Her name is Thelma and she is in the "Adoption Office." Then I called and found out the location of our local USCIS Field Office, which is in Des Moines. I thought that's where we had to drop off our paperwork once finished. I called a few more people and got a few more numbers, etc. This took up a fair amount of my morning.

In the early afternoon Thelma called back. She informed me that she was new to India (working on Indian adoptions) so she had asked the lady who was previously responsible for India to sit in on our call. I was on speaker phone. They asked what I wanted. I told them I was calling to get some preliminary info and to get a feel for the process. Right away this helper lady of Thelma's started in on me (picture most possible sarcastic tone possible): "Well, you know that there are rules you have to follow." Me: "Yes, ma'am, that's why I'm calling. I don't know what they are. I'm trying to figure out this process."

Every single thing I said she answered with the most sarcastic tone I think she could muster. I told them I had downloaded the I-600A and was starting to look it over. In fact that isn't the form I even need. As of April 1, 2008, the USA and India and a bunch of other countries entered into this agreement at The Hague Conference and so now if Americans want to adopt from one of those countries we have to use form I-800A. The purpose of this is to stop the sale of children, I think specifically for the safety of children. So things like sex trade and using live and healthy orphans for organs (yes, this happens) isn't as easy. So I'm on board. Helpless and uncared for children should not have the potential for those things to happen to them.

Then I asked how it would work since I am a US citizen by birth, and Narasimha is not even a green card holder yet. Oh boy, did this get her going (and it showed me she doesn't know as much as she thinks she does). I told her that Narasimha is on what's called an H-1 visa. She said: "Well, if you're really married, why is he on an H-1 visa?" If she really knew her stuff, she'd have known that, but I patiently explained the whole J-1 visa waiver process that we're in. And then she said "Well, I just really don't see how this is going to work. Someone who isn't an American citizen or even a permanent resident of the US has no right to adopt a child in the US. I've never even heard of a situation like this." Yes, but I'm an American citizen, don't I still have rights? "Well, no, you're married, you have to fill out the forms together."

Somewhere in there I got frustrated. We talked about more stuff. Now I just can't remember what. So, I got back on the internet and downloaded this I-800A form. And I contemplated divorcing my husband so I could adopt a child and then we could get remarried. We could even still live together. We just can't be legally married for this paperwork thing. Just kidding, but only kinda. I can adopt just fine by myself (provided I'm over 21 years old, which I am) but being married to a (legally here) foreigner - nope, not allowed.

So ok, call me naive, but I was hoping this would be fairly easy. It will not be. I knew it wouldn't be without problem, and I knew it would take time. But at this point it's looking like it might not even work.

One thing I do know: If I ever do call Thelma's office back, when I leave a message I'm going to ask her to call me back alone. I'd rather bumble through it with someone who doesn't quite know what's going on rather than Ms. Sarcastic Attitude who made me cry and ruined my day, and still didn't know all the way what was going on.

I guess the silver lining is this: I have been praying God show me if this is what He wants for our family. This problem is not above His control. If He wanted it to work, it would. So, if it doesn't, something isn't right. I can take comfort in that. And I'm trying to, but I'm still sad and I have a headache.

Progress (FINALLY!)

I have some exciting news: we have our first "progress" with our adoption to announce in a long time. Last night we finished the paperwork to submit to the Indian Government, and today I put it in the mail. Narasimha's brother and his wife leave for India from the East Coast in a few days, and we thought it would be better to send it with people versus in the mail if possible. So we buckled down and finished the packet, and right now it's on the way to New Jersey. In a few days it will be on the flight to India as part of carry-on luggage. Then my brother-in-law will hand deliver it to the orphanage for us. It's not a huge start, but with our snail pace I'll be happy with anything!

Please be in prayer: the situation in India that I've had in my prayer request list in the sidebar for several months now is not completely resolved. And, it could still very much affect our progress. Please pray for those whose lives are affected there (my in-laws) and that God would allow further adoption progress for our family as He sees fit. Of course we want a child now, but if God makes it clear that His plan is for us to wait even longer, then that is what we will do with peaceful and thankful hearts with grace God alone can give.

From here: We need to be preparing for our homestudy. We have no timeline for this as of now. I also need to be researching the immigration issue from an American standpoint. My initial thought is that it will be harder to get our child into our country (and home) than it will be to have one placed in our care.

"Broken"

It's late, and I can't sleep. Last night we had a fairly grueling workout in training for our marathon (we ran 19 miles) so when we got home neither of us felt very good and decided to call it a night early. Well, after 2 hours of sleep I woke up hungry. I made it to the kitchen for a midnight snack (I don't think I've ever done that before) and hoped to fall back asleep for the rest of the night. No such luck. I've been lying there for an hour now, wide awake. And my mind has drifted to this post I've been meaning to write, which probably woke me up more. So, here I find myself in front of the computer at 1 AM (I will likely regret this timing tomorrow).

The history: I received an anonymous comment about a month ago on one of my posts from several months back. This particular comment happened to be about something that I haven't blogged about (and there's a reason for that, which I'll go into in a little bit) but is actually from real life. As I read the comment I was initially very shocked, and a little hurt and defensive, but decided that I wanted to say some things in return for what this person said to me. I also didn't want to respond right away because I wanted to pray about my words and make sure I was responding out of love, not pride. And, I really don't have an option but to put it here, as I really have no clue who said it, and since it came to me from the blogosphere, I guess that's where I get to deal with it. That also means that the opinion that some of you may have of me, especially if you know me in real life, may suffer. I guess this is where I get to put my pride on the shelf, and pray to be an instrument of Christ to clear this all up. This is some pretty heavy stuff - hold on to your seat. Here is the comment I received (direct quote, with some grammar fixes):

"Kristina-
It has been mentioned to me that in some circles you have referred to your future child as "broken."
After hearing that, I came here VERY judgmental but reading your blog I do not see any of that in your writing.
Perhaps you did not realize that your words offended others so but I just ask that when you are referring to your future child that may have a medical condition that you state it as so instead of calling the child "broken."
I can tell that you will love and care for any child that God blesses you with so please be respectful of how you are referring to that child before they arrive. Otherwise someday they may speak to someone who heard you refer to them otherwise and be hurt by those words.
Also, anyone who has a child with physical or mental impairments may be very offended by hearing you use those words in that context. To them, their children are perfect gifts from God. If God does not make mistakes then every child is born perfect and no child is ever "broken."
Take care and just remember that any child that you are blessed with will be a gift from God and you should begin acting that way now, not later."

Wow, that's a lot of information to take in in just a few sentences. I feel like I have to start by saying that I am very, very sorry for saying something that obviously hurt someone's feelings, and now that this is out there, has the potential to hurt the feelings of or offend more who may read this. Yes, it's true. I have called our future child "broken." If that offends you or hurts your feelings in any way, I am very sorry for saying something so insensitive and hurtful. Was what I said in bad taste? Obviously. Hurtful? Probably, maybe more to some than others. Meant to hurt anyone's feelings? Not in a million years. Please accept my most sincere apologies.

Now, with my honest apology on the table, I would like to talk a little bit about why I have said this, actually on more than one occasion.

First, I want to say that there is a reason that I have never used such a word in the writing on this blog. I have only ever said it when talking to people in real life. The reason for that is because obviously such a description of a human child could be hurtful and offensive, and when I said it in real life, I thought that I only said it around people who knew me well enough to know that 1. I was joking and 2. It wasn't a value statement about the child. Apparently I said it to someone who did not take it as one of those things, and who passed along to someone else my insensitive comment (or maybe was a person who heard me say it?). Joking/sarcasm in writing are hard to pick up, so unless it's very very obvious, I try to avoid doing that. Especially in the case of a blog, where you might not always personally know the people who may be reading what you write, and things said could be quite easily misunderstood.

Second, I would like to explain "broken" and what I think about that, and why I took the liberty of saying that. I said I was sorry for hurt feelings, and I meant it, but after much thought I do not retract my statement (though I will likely not use that word much from here on out to avoid misunderstandings such as the one that lead to the need for this post). Narasimha and I have talked a lot and prayed about the decision we made to accept, and even seek out, adopting a child with medical needs. This child, in a physical sense, will be "broken." In some sense, aren't we all broken? Back in the time of Adam and Eve in the beginning of Genesis, sin entered the world. From that point forward, no child was ever conceived who did not have sin and brokenness as a part of their genetic makeup. And no child was conceived before The Fall, so every single child in the history of the world that has ever been conceived has been broken. The only exception to this rule is Jesus Christ Himself, and that was because He does not have a human father. Jesus was fully human, which he got from Mary His mother, and also fully God, as we know He came from a virgin birth (thus not having a human father). This sin manifests itself in many ways, and we are all hopelessly broken. To clarify: I am not trying to say that the child, or any child who has physical problems from birth, has physical problems due to a specific sin they may have committed (though later in life, this is certainly possible), but simply that sickness and suffering are the result of the sinfulness of humanity. Before sin there was no suffering. As sin entered the world, so did every problem that humankind has ever had. I do not believe that this is coincidental. The child we will adopt will likely have (we don't know who we're adopting yet, so we don't actually know what the problem will be) a medical problem. If a child is born perfectly healthy, with no apparent medical issues, certainly it won't take long for the "brokenness" of the child to become obvious. The child who is healthy at birth could very easily become physically sick at some point, or could have mental or emotional shortcomings, or any combination of these or other problems. As much as we like to hold small babies and adore them and talk about how "perfect" they are, most of us will readily admit that really sooner rather than later that child's imperfections are bound to become obvious. Are they cute? Most of the time :) Loveable? Of course. Perfect? Unless you're holding Jesus II, which is Biblically impossible, no. I respectfully disagree that God creates any child to be perfect. Every child is always exactly what God wants them to be, of that I am absolutely sure and for that we can always rejoice, but by definition, they are not perfect and are not created to be.

And, more important in my mind than understanding and expecting "brokenness" is being able to truly embrace it and be thankful for it. I am 100% aware that I am broken, and I have absolutely full intentions of raising my children to know that they too are broken. No matter if I physically birth them or adopt them with medical needs, or adopt a child with no medical needs, etc. Without honestly admitting personal "brokenness" there is no need for a Savior. If I am fine, and good, all on my own, what need do I have for Jesus in my life? My absolute very most important job as a mommy is to incarnate, or put flesh on, or accurately represent Jesus to my children, with the hope and prayer that someday my children will be able to totally and fully trust and love Him as I am currently working towards in my own life. There is very real danger in allowing any child to believe for any time that they are perfect. From a parental perspective, if I allow my child to believe that I think they are perfect, and that I love them, they may start to believe that I love them because they are perfect. They will inevitably one day find out that they're not perfect, and might then question my love for them. They might also become dishonest with themselves about their own value as a person - resulting in either excessive pride and arrogance or self-hatred and shame. It is essential to my success as a parent that my children know that I love them not because of what they do, but because of who they are. And that their position in our family is always and forever and no matter what. That the love that I have for them is a kind of love that doesn't run out or have impossible conditions. And by loving that way, I will be able to show my child a glimpse of just how much his/her Heavenly Father loves him/her. Just as in a parental perspective, it is even more important that my child understand unconditional love to understand God's love from a Biblical perspective. As I learn to parent my child, my love, and my skills as mommy, will have shortcomings. Probably many of them. My humanity will show and my own imperfections and brokenness will become very obvious to my child. Where my love falls short, God's love takes over, and just like the energizer bunny, keeps going, and going, and going... And, although God hates sin, it does not surprise Him that we are sinful. He created each one of us, and also allows us to have our own free will. He doesn't like our sin, but He expects it, and even better yet, sin itself is essential to our needing His Son Jesus Christ. To give my child an accurate view of him/herself and an accurate view of God, and his/her place in the family of God, I find it impossible to give my child anything other than thankfulness for everything he/she has and is - whether the world would look at those things as a blessing or a curse. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." NKJV This is one of my favorite verses.

To understand all of this, for my child, will also hopefully serve as a lesson in the sovereignty of God. I would never not tell my child that he or she was adopted. I do not believe that an adoption is something to hide, but rather, a beautiful way God makes a family out of people who do not share the same genetic material. I will also not hide from my child or anyone else the fact that Narasimha and I felt burdened to adopt a child with medical needs. Our decision was not to be able to feel better about ourselves, and look down on a poor and pitiful child. For us, it is simply coming to the realization that neither of us would be passing on perfection that we don't have to a biological child if we were able to have one, and any biological child of ours could be compromised physically, mentally, emotionally just as could be any adopted child. If we're honest, both of our bodies are so broken that we can't even make a baby. For that we're also learning to not just tolerate, but actually be thankful for. In addition to that, we have the resources to be able to correct what may be physically wrong, and allow the child to live a healthy and productive life. Not because of anything we've done, but because of all of the ways God has blessed us. This information will all be available to our child, and he/she will likely come to the point where they know that it was actually because of their brokenness, in a sense, that we knew God had chosen him/her for our family. And we hope and pray that they can be thankful for being a part of our family (even if not until their teenage years are over :).

Another reason for my use of the word, and this isn't a great reason, but since I'm being as honest as I can here, I'm going to put it out there, is because this adoption is very scary to me at times. I think the unknown always has the potential to be scary - especially with something that's such a big deal. I have never really known anyone who had a really serious medical condition, especially so early in life. To think that a child that I will bring home, and fall quickly head-over-heels in love with will have to suffer, and that I will have to helplessly stand by and watch, already makes me very sad and nervous. I used to work in and around the operating room at the hospital I worked at. I remember vividly small kids being taken to surgery - taken from the safe arms of mommy and daddy and poked and prodded and whisked off into the world of the unknown - for them and their parents. Many of them cried and were very scared. And then, as they wake up from surgery, as the anesthesia is wearing off, they will cry again because they are confused and scared and physically hurting. Many of them are inconsolable, even when reunited with their parents. Though I believe the pain on both the part of the child and of Narasimha and I will be worth it, it will still be a tough situation. I tend to "joke" when I'm nervous or uncomfortable, and saying a word like "broken" for some reason takes a little of the weight and gravity of the situation away in my own mind. There is a chance that our child will need open-heart surgery. I know just enough about medicine, and Narasimha as a physician obviously knows a lot about medicine, that even though we trust God entirely with any situation, we still feel and will continue to feel scared and nervous and as the situation comes closer, and a whole host of other emotions as well.

Once again, if I have hurt your feelings by my unkind words, I am sorry. If you left the comment (for which I can truly say "thank-you" - not only for bringing it to my attention, but for giving me the opportunity to say the things I have said here, which I think are important) I hope I have cleared up what must have been going through your head.

Christian: What "brokenness" are you refusing to embrace and be thankful for in your own life, or in the life of someone close to you? What "brokenness" are you hiding from the world? How could you use that as a testimony for someone who needs to see Jesus' always unconditional saving love and grace?

If you're not a Christian - if you don't know what I am talking about in the paragraphs above - do the things I've talked about sound enticing to you? How would your life change if you knew that there was always someone who loves you, and who wants the best for you, even at your worst, most broken condition? How would you feel if you knew you could be honest with someone about all your secrets, all your baggage, and you would be loved and welcomed with open arms anyways? What would your life be like if you could lay all of you problems at the feet of Jesus by trusting in Him, and not only have a purpose and fulfillment in your time left on this earth, but also the guarantee of a mansion in heaven and a new life after death that is better than anything you'll ever get here? Questions: contact me at nkiowa@hotmail.com. Or, find a Bible, and start reading in the New Testament (Romans is a good place to start).

I hope I have accurately and selflessly become transparent enough to let you see my heart here. The perk of a blog, in my opinion, is to put yourself out there and be known. Especially to those who personally know me and read this, I hope you get a better view of not only who I am, but who Jesus Christ is making me in light of these life experiences. And, above all, I want to be an encouragement to anyone who may read this, and of course honor Jesus in my life and writing.

And to anyone - please always feel free to comment. I like getting feedback, even if you don't agree with what I say. I try always to respect the opinions of others (though as you can see here, I don't always agree), and will gladly welcome the chance to defend my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ. Even if sometimes it means I personally look like a fool in the process.

In Memory of Maria Sue Chapman

As you may have heard in the news, Christian singer Steven Curtis Chapman's youngest daughter, 5-year-old Maria Sue (who was adopted from China) has been killed in an accident in the family's driveway near Nashville, TN. I can't imagine the pain the family must be feeling.

The Chapmans have established (before this tragedy occurred) an organization called Shaohannah's Hope which helps families fund adoptions, among other things. They are vocal advocates of adoption, and have adopted 3 girls from China (Maria and 2 older sisters), and before adopting they had 3 biological children.

They would like gifts in memory of Maria Sue to be directed to this charity (and can be in her name) to help other families around the country bring children into their homes who would otherwise grow up in orphanages.

If you are looking for a cause to support, certainly check out Shaohannah's Hope today.

"It"

As we continue on our adoption path, we will not know, likely for many months, the gender (or age, for that matter) of our future child. And, even when we do find out these things, we won't be sharing what we know until the child is officially ours when we arrive in India for the adoption. The biggest reason for not sharing is basically that we don't want to get too attached until we know for sure. So when we get there, and have Baby in our arms, we will be posting the stats and pictures likely on this site and via email, etc.

The reason for this post is to actually clarify how I will refer to Baby until he or she has a name. There are lots of people who will not call their child "It" - I personally don't have a problem with this practice. Sure, you could say "he or she" every time you talk about "him or her" but that's a lot of extra letters. I do not think of "It" as a genderless child, or sub-human, or anything like that (those are arguments I have heard against using the word "It"). My child is a unique and special and wonderful little person, created by God just for our family, and until we know specifically who he or she is, we will be referring to this little person as "It" - for no other reason than convenience and ease of communication. I think if I were pregnant, or we knew the age of the child we'd be getting, I would probably be inclined to call "It" "Baby" or "Kiddo" or whatever, but since we don't even know that, in this case, "It" seems like the best choice.

The Adoption Update...

is, very uninterestingly, that there still isn't any update to report. We are still plugging away at our paperwork (slowly). We are still talking about hiring a lawyer, and the details of that. We have, however, had some fun recently shopping for kid's clothes. Since we don't know the age or gender of our child, we get to have extra fun and buy anything we like :) We have kept the purchases to "3T" and younger (for those who don't know, that means clothes that are supposed to fit 3-year-old "toddlers"). Our push to shop recently, by the way, is that there have been some good seasonal sales, and I have some fear that when this process gets moving, it will get really moving, and I would like to have whatever head start I can. Other than that, no news. I felt the need to update since one of the purposes of this blog is to keep family and friends in the loop as to what is going on with our adoption... The next time I post regarding the adoption, I will have something more interesting to say than "nothing" - I promise! Thanks for those who have sent well-wishes and who are thinking about us and praying for us during this time - it really means a lot and has been very encouraging!

Why Not IVF?

I am writing this post in response to some things that have been said to us, and also to explain why we are going almost against probably what most of the general public would do who has a similar situation with infertility and the financial means to consider fertility assistance - and definitely the field of medicine - in choosing how to expand our family, in light of our struggle with infertility, and the specific diagnosis of infertility that we have (meaning that we could likely "benefit" from fertility assistance). Also, read on if you don't know a whole lot about different measures of fertility assistance - I won't go into great detail here, but I will include links so you can read up on your own if you want.

We have heard the following comments or some sort of variation of them:

"Are you sure you don't want to try IVF - I know someone it worked for and..."

"Are you sure you aren't going to someday regret not ever trying harder to have your own child?"

"What will you do with your adopted child if you happen to get pregnant someday?"

"Are you sure you're not disappointing (Narasimha or Kristina) by not trying harder?" - asked to one of us about the other.

"Is this something your religion won't let you do?"

Yeah, I'm not kidding - people really say this stuff.

Western medicine has come a long way in helping people live longer and better lives, from transplants, to medical management, to things that aren't necessary but make people happy and "improve" lives (here I am thinking anything from liposuction to fertility assistance measures, etc.). With any perceived benefit, there is always a cost, whether it is physical, financial, or even moral.

Infertility is a somewhat flaky diagnosis, and is basically characterized by a couple who has tried to get pregnant for 1 year with no success. There is always more to it than that though - the real question is what is causing the infertility? Sometimes it is a physical problem that the man has, sometimes a physical problem that the woman has, and sometimes, both parties have problems that contribute. As you can imagine, there are many MANY things that could go wrong (or even just not quite right) with either the man or the woman making pregnancy unachievable. For a brief overview of infertility or a list of some of the most common causes of infertility, click here. Sometimes, there is nothing that can be found that is wrong with either person that would indicate why a couple is unable to conceive. Sometimes, conception is possible, but for whatever reason, the pregnancy is spontaneously (accidentally) terminated early and doesn't result in a live birth. The couple may or may not know there was ever even a pregnancy, depending on how and how early the pregnancy ended. My point here is that this subject is no simple matter.

We (one of us actually) were diagnosed with a physical problem very early in our effort to become pregnant. We looked at the facts regarding the treatment, and the risks and benefits, and decided that the affected person would have surgery to attempt to correct the problem. We decided that in our situation, we were ok with fixing our bodies to see if that would make us able to spontaneously conceive without the help of actual "fertility assistance measures." The problem that was fixed was something that was physically painful before the surgery, and is a problem that people have fixed even if they aren't having problems conceiving as a result of it (it doesn't only cause problems in aspects of fertility). The surgery was likely successful, although we don't know how successful (read here and here for a little more on our specific situation). The surgery took place over a year ago, and to date we have still not been able to get pregnant.

So there's the problem. What can medicine do for us?

There are many options, ranging a lot in how physically invasive they are, how many "moral" issues are potentially attached, and how much they cost financially.

Here's a list of some of the things we could pursue (click on the word for detailed description or read my sort-of layman's description):

Medication-Induced Hyper-Ovulation
Sometimes the woman doesn't ovulate regularly, so they give medications to make her ovulate. Sometimes they give the medications to make her ovulate more, so that each month, instead of releasing one egg, she could release several, which would hypothetically increase the odds of fertilizing an egg and then having one implant. This also increases the chance of multiple embryo implantation. There would be no way to know how many embryos would possibly implant, but it could be very many. This is likely what happened when the woman from Carlisle, Iowa, had 7 babies at one time (septuplets). This may seem obvious, but any pregnancy with more than 1 baby has increased risk, and with each additional baby, the risk increase is exponential. This leads some to consider Selective Reduction. This means aborting some of the babies. The thought is that the ones who are left will have a better chance of survival and health. It is still abortion - still the killing of babies you supposedly worked so hard to make. This also can get more morally messy when the parents do genetic testing, or find out the gender of the babies, before they decide who to get rid of. Sometimes people choose to abort the babies with problems, or by gender, and sometimes it could be random, or where the baby is attached to the uterus, etc. This medication therapy when used alone is probably the cheapest fertility assistance a person could try. I guess it could also be considered "fixing one's body" if the woman isn't ovulating (under the precept used above for my justification of the surgery we were ok with doing). However, the risks are still there, even in the "fixing one's body" scenario, to have a multiple pregnancy, which could then lead to a moral decision.

Artificial Insemination (AI) or Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI)
Sometimes used in combination with the Hyper-Ovulation medication (above) - sometimes not. This is often used as a first-line therapy, and is quite a bit financially cheaper, and less physically painful, than IVF which I will talk about next. This is where the doctors have some of the man's sperm, and they will often "wash" it to get the good ones out, and they put the good sperm directly into the woman's uterus. The timing with the woman's monthly cycle is precise, and it gets the sperm closer to where it needs to get to for the couple to become pregnant. There are still downfalls to the process. I would still consider the pregnancy to have been achieved in the doctor's office, but there is more left to nature, like the union of the sperm and the egg, and the embryo's growth, survival and implantation in the uterus.

In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with embryo transfer
This is a very complex process, and quite invasive and expensive. Not to mention often full of moral questions. This process starts with the woman giving herself daily injections to induce hyper-ovulation which can be timed very precisely. Kind-of the same as the medications listed above, but I think different in some aspects that I don't know. Then the woman has to go to the doctor's office and they put her to sleep and pull the eggs out of her ovaries with a long needle before they are released into the fallopian tubes. Then they take the man's sperm and mix the eggs and the sperm together, and hope that some of them will hook up and form embryos. This is in the lab - and where they get the term "test tube baby." Then they "grow" the embryos that result out for a few days, to see which ones survive. After that, they pick the healthiest one(s) (and they can even do genetic testing on these embryos to find problems/gender), and finally, they put these little week-or-so old embryos straight into the woman's uterus, where they will hopefully latch on and grow to be babies. This process, as it would seem, has moral issues everywhere. First, the doctors take from the woman as many eggs as they can, which could probably be anywhere from several to 30 or even sometimes 40+. Then, they basically try to fertilize all of them, and see what happens. It is feasible that half of those could fertilize, so now you have 25-20 embryos (early stage babies). Now it is likely that some of them will die in the growing out process, and often they have to freeze them to wait for the right time in the woman's cycle to transfer to the uterus, and some will probably die then or in the unfreezing process too. But say somehow after growing and freezing/thawing you still have 10 viable embryos (which is potentially very realistic and possible, and could be more or less depending on each situation). The doctors won't put any more than 2-3 in at a time, and then you could still end up with twins/triplets if they all latch on (we know or know of people who have had singles, twins, and triplets with this process). So even if you put 3 in, you still have 7 left from your 10. Now what to do with those leftover embryos? Well, you can keep having babies until yours are all used up (and then you have to pay for the freezer space in a lab to keep your frozen babies until you are ready for them) and potentially end up with lots and lots of kids. You could dump them in the trash can, which as far as I'm concerned is no better than abortion. You could adopt them out, which is becoming more popular and is called Snowflake Babies. Now sometimes you don't have so many embryos to think about - I know of a couple who by the time the growing out and unfreezing was finished, they had 2 (and only 2) very healthy embryos that they implanted and ended up having twins 9 months later (actually like 8 months because the babies were premature which is the most common complication of pregnancy with multiples). But, this extra embryo situation does happen often enough that you have to have a plan that you have to tell your doctors before they will even start the process of IVF with you.

Intracytoplasmic Sperm Implantation (ICSI) - See link for IVF
Even farther on the spectrum of IVF, and more expensive. This is when your sperm and eggs won't unite on their own for whatever reason when they mix them together in the test tube, so the doctors actually pick a single sperm and shove it into the egg to get the embryo.

Donors
People also have the option of using donors for almost any part of the process - anywhere from donor eggs, to donor sperm, to borrowed uterus (also called a surrogate). This can get very morally sticky, and in the case of using a surrogate, even legally sticky by means of custody, etc. The potential for problems and miscommunications are endless. Not to mention expensive and risky, based on your personal preferences as a parent.

There is so so so much more - this is hardly the tip of the iceberg. But hopefully it gives you an idea of the scope of what's possible, and what those who are interested in pursuing the options have to consider.

Now that we know the options, lets get personal - why not fertility assistance for us?

If my dramatic portrayal of the risks involved didn't indicate well enough how I feel, here it is: I don't think that the potential risks are worth the potential benefits. Said again: the things that could go wrong, and how much that would cost (physically, emotionally, financially, morally) do not outweigh the benefits in my mind.

Another reason: A fellow (Christian) blogger who also suffers from infertility said it this way (not a direct quote, but this is the gist of it): "I don't want to take something that is beautiful and natural and created by God (the act of making a baby) and turn it into a sterile lab procedure." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Another reason: Why does adoption have to be a last resort? "Oh, I tried EVERYTHING and nothing worked, so I guess we have to adopt to get a child." I don't want to look at my adopted child and think "We could have done better." I bet if you ask those who have adopted children, no matter their reason for the adoption, (a group I soon hope to be a part of) they would say that they love and own that child as much as anyone who physically births a baby. I will choose to take a proactive and positive approach to loving my child, no matter how God chooses to give him or her to me. Adoption is a special way of making people into a family, and in my mind is something to be embraced and celebrated. Love is a choice, not a feeling - ask anyone who is happily married. Although not a concept endorsed by our society, I firmly believe that the Bible teaches this.

Another reason: I have said this before, and will say it again. If God wants us to be pregnant, we will be. He doesn't need the help of medical professionals for us to add to our family. There is a child (or hopefully children) out there who God has intended for our family. Whether sitting in an orphanage in India, or in our bodies waiting to be conceived, or waiting to be conceived through someone else that we could someday adopt - I don't care who or where - if God allows the process, whatever it entails, for us to acquire children, then I will feel blessed and be thankful for it.

Another reason: Though these fertility assistance methods have been tested and improved upon over the years, there is certainly never a guarantee. Financially speaking, these can be anywhere from kind-of expensive to you-only-have-enough-money-to-do-this-once-and-even-then-you-just-drained-your-retirement-account expensive. And even then, you could end up with no baby. I have heard countless stories where people spend every dime they have, and put second mortgages on their houses, etc., and at the end of the day, they are still not mommies and daddies. I am much too cheap to take that kind of a risk. Also of note: people who choose to pursue these things get little or no help from insurance, so somehow have to come up with the funds for this on their own. In my mind, money spent here could just as well be invested for a future college tab, or a bunch of trips to India, or any number of other things.

If I haven't somehow answered the questions above yet, I will do so now.

"Are you sure you don't want to try IVF - I know someone it worked for and..."
IVF is an amazing thing, and I am sure it has made countless families very happy. I am happy for those who are happy because of it. I personally know people who have done this, and who it worked for, and they have the most precious and beautiful children as a result. It is still not something I am willing to do. To clarify: we are not saying our choice is right for everyone. At the end of the day, each person has to be able to accept decisions they have made. We all have different ways of looking at things.

"Are you sure you aren't going to someday regret not ever trying harder to have your own child?"
Two answers to this one. First, we aren't going to stop trying to have a biological baby. We will keep doing everything we can do - 2 people in the confines of a bedroom - to become pregnant. I still hope and pray that this will happen for us someday. If it doesn't, I will be thankful for whatever (whomever) God provides. And second, any adopted child we have is OUR child. As much as any biological child we may someday have.

"What will you do with your adopted child if you happen to get pregnant someday?"
Um, duh, love it, and care for it, and punish it, and teach it, and buy it stuff, and play with it, and make it mad, and make it happy, and let it make me mad, and let it make me happy, and laugh with it, and cry with it, and dream about it's future, and celebrate with it, and celebrate its part in our family, and hopefully one day lead it to Christ...I'm sure there's more. And, tell it to say that "At least Mom and Dad chose me - they got stuck with you!" if the biological child ever gave the adopted child grief about being adopted. :)

"Are you sure you're not disappointing (Narasimha or Kristina) by not trying harder?"
We are 2 adults who are happily married and very much want the best for each other before ourselves individually. This is a decision that has been made to be the best, not for either of us individually, but for both of us together and as a family. This decision has not been made without much conversation and prayer, and many moments of sadness and tears about our missing children, and many moments of hope and happiness looking forward to what lies ahead for our family. This is no small decision and we do not take it lightly. May I encourage you that unless you have been "there" (whether "there" is infertility, dealing with sick family members, personal problems, financial difficulties, etc.) don't give advice to people who are dealing with "there" - just be encouraging. And if you can't do that, don't say anything at all. I am not saying that you are not allowed to lovingly raise important issues that may not have been considered/discussed. But if the people directly involved say "Yup, I've thought of that and I'm willing to deal with it," then believe them and let it go.

"Is this something your religion won't let you do?"
My religion isn't Baptist (although that's what it says on the church we attend) - my religion is being a follower of Jesus Christ, or "Christian." The Christian handbook is the Bible, and no, it doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that "Thou shall not do IVF." You can look - it's not in there. Through the Bible, however, we can learn Christian principles, and learn to know God better, and through those things we can feel like we are making decisions that would best please God. Though I don't think that fertility assistance measures necessarily fall under the category of black and white "sin" I think there are a lot of issues in fertility assistance that do count as "sin" and then a lot of gray area. I personally try to look at Christian living on a good-better-best continuum. Maybe before "good" would be not necessarily sin, but not good. That is where I would personally, especially for my life, place IVF. And then you have to be careful, because there are so many things that could push you into the "sin" category. I don't know why, with so many homeless children out there, I would make myself face these tough choices when I can get a child without doing so. I know from the Bible that God loves me and wants me to be happy, as a child of His. I also know He wants me to trust Him unconditionally for everything I want and need. I also know that if I wait and do things His way rather than try on my own, I will be much happier and more at peace with any outcome that happens (interesting Biblical parallel - read in Genesis 16 about Abraham and Sarah's infertility, and what they did about it, and how that turned out). I will choose to wait. Waiting doesn't mean doing nothing, and it doesn't necessarily mean not exploring options. I believe that adoption is in a sense taking things in our own hands. The difference here is that there isn't really anything about it that is "sin," and if we approach it prayerfully and still asking for God's blessing, we can have peace that this is what He intends for our family. My God is a God of love, and He wants us to manifest His love unconditionally, and adoption is one way I believe we can do that, and make Him happy and still get what we want, which is a family.

Yikes, that's a lot of info for one post. This will probably be about the last time I talk about fertility assistance - I just wanted to set the record straight. My identity will continue to be defined by infertility, and also now as an (potential) adoptive parent. I know this is long - I hope it was helpful for you, no matter how much you know about infertility or issues surrounding it.

May Narasimha and I continue to want to please our God more than anyone else, and may God be honored by this issue of infertility/adoption in our lives.

Details: Bringing Baby Home

I started checking into the process of being able to bring the baby back into the US. It isn't as easy as I'd hoped (I don't know why I was thinking it would be - duh!). As far as I know, the adoption part and getting the child from India isn't any harder (thankfully). It's just the part of getting the child able to enter the US with us when we come to bring it home. Yesterday I went to the USA Govt's website and just looked at the International Adoption page, and wow, there are a lot of details to consider, and a lot of stuff to do on a timeline, etc. I am still hoping to be able to do the work by myself and not hire a lawyer, but I sure wouldn't want to screw anything up. By the time I get done, I should be eligible for a law degree myself :) There are some things about our situation that will likely make things slightly less complicated, but almost in the same breath, more difficult too. Sounds contradictory - I know.

On another note, an update about us and our decisions: We have decided after much prayer and conversation that we will tell the orphanage/Indian Govt that we will accept a child, pending our final approval, with medical needs. Right now we have no idea what that will entail - what will be wrong, the age or gender of the child, etc. We will likely get an older-than-newborn child, but I don't know how much older. I actually don't know how they chose a child to give you if you are sidestepping the normal routine of just waiting in line for a healthy newborn. I am pretty sure it isn't like baby shopping, where we go in and point and say "That one." Obviously this hasn't been decided in the last 2 days since my previous post - this has been in the back of our minds for a while. Now I can just say that we have actually talked through the issues, like why now on a first child instead of on a subsequent child, why would we take an older child the first time around, how will this affect our marriage and ability to be good parents, etc. I am not saying that we think this will be easy (dealing with everything when Baby is home with us) - but we do feel confident that this is something God is calling us to do. That's enough reason for me to be at peace with the situation.

And, we have also decided that besides general adoption details/timeline, we don't want to tell any of the specifics of our potential child until we are in India and the child is physically in our arms and the whole thing is done. There are many reasons for this...so we won't be telling gender, age, name (which we already have picked out), medical problems, etc, until we are sure that the information we are giving out is about our child - not details about a little person who could end up not working out.

Please be in prayer for us as we continue to make decisions and process information and do the busy work, and for our child - he or she may already be born.

Adoption: Starting the Process

In a previous post (one from our India Trip I believe) I said that I would post some of the details of the start of our adoption process. Not much has actually happened since then, but I can post what I know as of right now.

When we were in India we went to an orphanage in Hyderabad, which is where Narasimha is from. We didn't actually expect to find anything out about our own potential adoption while we were visiting. Narasimha actually told the lady on the phone that we weren't interested in adopting right now, because if we would have told her we were, she likely wouldn't have let us come. And, he didn't lie to her - we were just going to check it out as maybe something to look into down the line, and see if the facility was someplace we could see taking a child out of and into our home. However, somehow when we were there, Narasimha started asking hypothetical questions about the process, and they ended up turning a little personal to our potential situation. I think the lady must have known we weren't trying to pull a fast one on her, so she was willing to answer all of our questions and turned out to be very helpful. I think they try to steer clear of foreigners thinking they can show up one day and walk out with a baby the next or something. Some of the things we learned from her (some of this might be a repeat from a previous post - sorry):
-There are restrictions on age, couple status, etc., of people who want to adopt. None of these restrictions should be a problem for us.
-First priority for placement goes to resident Indians; second priority goes to non-resident Indians; third priority goes to anyone else of any other nationality who meets other criteria. We would get to use Narasimha's non-resident Indian status (NRI) and be "second priority."
-The orphanage gets something like 9,000 applications for adoption a year.
-The waiting time to get a healthy baby is something like 2-5 years, depending on your priority status and the gender of child you want. I think that might be from the time the application is received or processed, but it could be from the time the homestudy is approved - I'm not sure.
-If you get a baby, you could have the baby as early as 3 months old, or even earlier.
-Children who come to the orphanage later than newborn, or babies or children with medical issues, are harder to adopt out. If a couple is willing to take an older child, or one with medical issues, they will put you on the fast-track for your homestudy and you could have a child within 6 months. These medical "issues" could range from mental retardation, to unfixed cleft palate, to heart defects, to umbilical hernias, etc.

That's sort-of the general information that comes to mind - now here's where we are:
-We have to fill out a packet of information and do some things and send it all in. Our packet then goes to a place in New Delhi to the national government for sorting and processing. Someone from the Indian Government who is here in the US (I think) will then contact us and set up a time to do a homestudy.
-I have called the US Government and left a message with someone about what we would need to do to get paperwork for the child to be able to enter the country. I think we might have a good situation here as far as N and I having different nationalities: we can get a baby faster from India through him, and we can get the baby into the States easier through my American citizenship. I have not yet heard back from them.
-I am not sure if I need to contact an adoption lawyer, although right now I haven't and don't see any reason to. Everything we have right now we can easily do on our own, and since the child would be coming from and Indian orphanage, I don't think we will have placement or custody issues - I am pretty sure the biological parents, when the child goes to the orphanage, relinquish their parental rights. And once we have it in the States, I don't think they could fight to get it back anyways.
-We have not yet decided what we want in a child. I know we don't care about gender (you don't get to pick that if it comes out of you). We have some serious talking and praying to do regarding the age and potential medical problems we are willing to accept. This is no light matter, and we want to be sure we are informed, but also let God lead us and not scare too easily. So many of the medical "issues" could be fixed with a surgery (simple or very complex) that a child might not be able to have in India, and I am not sure I am willing to disregard a child who has something wrong with him or her that could very well happen if we had a child biologically. We have also talked about the possibility of getting an older child (and our limit would likely be around 4 years old) because there is still a chance we could get pregnant. If we adopted an older child, and then got pregnant, there would still be some gap in our children's ages (which is what I would prefer).
-Praise the Lord! I actually called our insurance company today for something unrelated, and while I had the lady on the phone I decided to ask about how adopting a child with a known medical issue might affect coverage on that child under the presumption of "pre-existing condition" - that was one of the issues we decided we'd need to know about before accepting a child with a medical problem. She didn't know, so I got transferred around a bit, but the final answer I was given was that they would pay for anything, even in an older child, as they would if you birthed or adopted a newborn, keeping in mind our deductible and out-of-pocket max, etc. This is a HUGE blessing and quite encouraging, and I really think the insurance company is doing a good thing here that they wouldn't necessarily have to.
-I am not sure how little or much we will know about the child's past, family medical history, etc. We forgot to ask until now but I am sure there will be opportunities in the future.
-As I understand it, if we decided to go with an older child or one with medical issues, we could be parents by the end of 2008 :)

That's basically the gist of it - I have to get busy and get some paperwork and other things going. Then, I have to clean the house and get ready for the homestudy. And, as I said before, we have some serious praying and thinking to do regarding the aforementioned issues. God will lead, of that I am confident. I just want to be sure that we invite God into every step of this process. Please feel free to ask any questions if you have them. And we would very much appreciate your prayers for wisdom and discernment as we begin this very exciting journey!

Wait on the Lord

Yesterday's sermon was a blessing, and I am really glad we braved the weather and made it, even if only for part of it. We got a call when we were getting ready and they said they were only doing one service (instead of Sunday School and Morning Worship) and that it was going to be in the middle of those two regular times. So, since we were planning on being on time to Morning Worship, we were going to be late. We finished getting ready very quickly, and then drove very slowly on the ice and blowing snow covered roads, and made it in about the middle of the service.

I think the title of the message must have been something like "Power in Christ." He directed us to Isaiah 40, which is a passage I have come to know well and really love, especially in light of our struggle with infertility. About the time I found out we were "infertile" I found this passage and spent a lot of time just reading, meditating, and processing the words of the passage (see my very lengthy initial thoughts here). Pastor was talking yesterday about how if we wait on the Lord, we can find our power through Christ in this way. That immediately took my mind to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, which has also been a cherished passage to me, almost in the same breath as Isaiah 40:31. Actually, I listed the 2 Corinthians passage as the memory verse of the week (see sidebar) a week or so ago. Kinda funny - 2 Corinthians is where Pastor directed us next as well, and then to several other passages in mostly the New Testament (one of which is 2 Timothy 1:7 - which I am listing as the memory verse of the week this week).

It has been some time now that we have not been able to conceive. We have had differing reports regarding potential future success being able to ever conceive (from a medical perspective). Basically, we have come to the place where we try not to think about what medicine tells us is possible. We know that the God of the universe is able, without the help of modern medicine, to give us a baby (or child) in His time and His way. Even knowing this, sometimes it is harder than hard to be patient and remember that Someone much more powerful and in control than myself has this all under His plan. He understands my pain and frustration and sadness, and at the same time He has a plan for this situation. If we chose to joyfully wait on Him, we will be able to experience true peace that comes from God alone, and someday, we will have whatever His perfect plan has in store for our lives.

On the way home from church yesterday, Narasimha said that the service just confirmed in his mind our decision from the beginning to reject medical intervention for getting pregnant. After the service I just felt encouraged - it didn't really bring up anything I haven't thought before, but with our new adoption options, and more time spent missing motherhood, I just felt refreshed and reminded that this is in no accident, but is absolutely God's individualized and perfect plan for our lives.

In case you are reading this and don't have a Bible at your fingertips, I'd like to type the passages listed above...

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (NKJV)

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NKJV)

Almost More Than I Can Take

In the last 2 days, we have visited 3 orphanages here in Hyderabad. I had mentioned it back in December to the girls as something we might be able to do during our time in Hyderabad, and they both thought it sounded like something they'd be interested in doing- as a way to get a sort-of comprehensive rather than just tourist view of India. I knew it would be tough - with the whole infertility thing in mind - but back then I had empty faces of children in my head - those who I might meet, where now I have beautiful little faces looking back at me when I close my eyes. Faces who are sad and searching, and very lonely. Faces who are timid to shake your hand but brighten at just a smile or pat on the back. It was hard, but I don't know that it was any harder than I thought it would be. I expected before I went that it would "hurt" to see so many kids in a situation like that, infertile or not.

The first one we went to was a private orphanage for females only. The girls there ranged from 4-16 years, and I think they currently have 76 residents. We went right as the younger girls were getting back from school. As a formality we talked to the headmaster for a while, who answered questions we thought of. He told us what we already suspected - most of the girls there had parents who had died, or who had to give them up because they were too poor to feed them. Here the girls have the luxury (and I'm not kidding) of sleeping inside, receiving medical care, going to school, eating regularly, and not being on the streets and begging for money or food. After talking to the adults, they took us into a small meeting room where they put all 5 of us (Narasimha, my sister, her friend, Narasimha's brother, and me) in chairs at the front of an assembly-type room, with all the kids seated in perfect rows in front of us. I think I counted around 40 girls. First they sang a few songs for us (religious Hindu, and in a language I couldn't understand), and then they went around and each and every one of them stood up and said their name and year in school. The littlest ones were closest to the front. Then we got a tour of the facilities. It was nice. The rooms were clean, although no air conditioning. After our tour we got to go out into the front yard where many of them were playing (again, just the younger ones that we had seen in the assembly hall - I think the older girls may still have been at school). We got to take pictures and I shook hands with many of them, and said "Namaste" which is "Hello." I asked the headmaster (who seemed like a simple but kind man) if the girls there get adopted out. He said no, almost never. I was talking to my sister about this, and she said it might be almost better that way. She has a point. Many people when adopting don't want such old kids, and if the kids don't expect to be adopted, then they won't be disappointed, or place their personal worth on who gets chosen faster or who has to wait, etc. I have parts of the moving "Annie" running through my head (which I wouldn't recommend watching necessarily if you've never seen it - it isn't as good without someone there to distract you and fast-forward through the yucky scenes like my mom did when I was little and watched it) where the girls in that orphanage think only the pretty girls get permanent homes, and the rest of the girls feel bad about themselves. Seems like a really terrible popularity contest. Anyways, all things considered, it was a decent place, and so much better for these girls than living on the streets. Past residents of the facility have even been married off, and it seems like the people who run the place are pretty protective of the girls who are marrying and cognizant of relevant issues, etc. I think overall the organization was reputable and I felt good leaving with the girls playing tag and other games together and running and laughing in the background. One more issue of note: the orphanage was a strictly Hindu facility.

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This 6-foot-tall picture is a Hindu god that greets you as you first enter the orphanage.

The (younger) girls enjoy a snack after school.

This is beside the building, and is where the little girls bathe each night. They have to do it here because they don't have room enough inside, and the workers need to keep a close eye on the littlest ones to make sure they get clean, and don't get infections or skin problems.

A few of the girls were playing a game with small rocks, throwing them in their hands. I don't know what it was, but it looked like they had played many times before.

The front yard, where they were running and playing tag. It seemed like they all got along and had fun together.

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The second place we visited was right after the first. It was about a mile away, and this was a facility for boys. The age range of the boys was 5-13 yrs I think, and there were less than 20 residents. We first met the man who ran the place and talked for a few minutes. We then repeated the assembly hall thing from the last place, but this time we all sat on the floor in a straight line with all the boys in a single straight line in opposite us. They sang us some songs, and then introduced themselves and their grade in school as well. Then the headmaster man picked out a few kids and had them recite some specific things for us. The second little guy who got "picked on" was just adorable, and quite ironically had on a shirt that said something about "mum and dad." He was 5, and quite short, and his name was Ramu. Also, he had recently stepped on a nail so he had a bandaged foot and was unable to bear weight on that foot. He sang songs for us like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "ABC" and a few other English songs. I don't know if he knew what he was saying, but he did well and it was cute. Looking at his sad face and listening to him recite these things brought tears to my eyes. I did not get such good "vibes" about this place. First, the headmaster had this mad-scientist look to him, and he creeped me out. Plus, it didn't seem like the boys liked him much - almost like they were afraid of him. These boys, like the first place, have no expectation of being adopted. This place is also exclusively Hindu.

Little Ramu reciting something for us - he's the guy with the hurt foot :(

The dining room.

An activity they do at the end of every day to lower the flag (I think what you're seeing is the equivalent of our saluting).

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Neither of these places had babies and I wanted to know why, and I also wanted to see some babies. At the first place we asked why there were no babies/toddlers. They told us that the government keeps all babies at a government-run (as opposed to private like the 2 I have already mentioned) orphanage. I am sure this is to make sure there is no illegal selling of babies for adoption on the private level. The government orphanage is where young kids go - I think if they are under 4 when they first come to the orphanage then they go to the government one. If they don't get adopted out by the time they are between 4- to 6-years-old, then they are transferred to a private orphanage like ones we visited (there are of course many more than just the 2) or if there is no space in any of them, into a juvenile home of sorts, which we heard is not as good. From what I have gathered, they do not have a foster system here. We asked my brother-in-law to call this baby orphanage and see if we could get a tour. He called, and there were some hoops to jump through. We had to get special permission from a certain lady, and she wasn't answering her phone. So we took off for our day not really expecting much. We were almost to our first place (we were going to an art gallery) when "the lady" called us back. She said if we wanted, we could come right then. So we turned around and headed to see the babies.

The lady who called us to come was there when we got there. She was kind and answered all of our questions. She said that all the babies who do not have health, physical, or mental problems get adopted out right away - they get several thousand applications per year, from Indians and others. Apparently any child under age 3 is easy to adopt out (as long as they are free from the aforementioned problems). After the 3rd birthday, or with problems, is hard(er). We then got to tour the building. The first room we went into was for babies under 6 months. There were probably at least 40 babies. Many of these were probably awaiting placement (that made it more bearable to see all of them). We weren't allowed to take pics at this facility at all (unfortunately, though I can understand why), but we were allowed to touch the kids. The babies did not feel the effects of our language gap. I leaned over several of the awake babies and smiled and waved my fingers in front of their faces and told them what pretty girls they were (they were almost all girls - boys are in higher demand), and they all smiled so big. I picked one little girl up and talked to her, and she promptly stuck her tongue out at me through her grin - so cute! I bet we spent 20 mins in just that room. The room was clean and fairly well-staffed. No unsettling cries going unanswered (for which I was thankful). We continued our tour and went to many other rooms. I saw kids that looked healthy, some with visible umbilical hernias, a little girl with beautiful eyes and an unfixed cleft palate, and several children who were very small for their said age who the lady said had cardiac issues. Their faces all lit up when they saw us, and they ran toward us and huddled around as we talked and toured. One little girl who was 7 and very small and thin for her age due to a heart problem grabbed my hand and ran her hand all the way up my arm to my shoulder, and then just stood there an looked at me, smiling. I shook many slimy hands. I held my tears back several times, though the closest I came to actually crying was when a little boy who was probably 2 or 3 pushed and sprinted through all the other kids around us and ran straight to Narasimha and grabbed onto N's leg in the biggest little boy bear hug, and then held on tight with this adorable goofy grin. It was so sweet but almost more than I could take. We finished our tour and saw many of the 190 or so kids in probably around an hour. Narasimha asked the lady many questions about the adoption process, all of which she patiently answered. We now feel quite well-informed. Narasimha finally asked me if I was ready to go, and I said no, that I wanted to stay and play all day, but ok.

On the way out we stopped at a separate govt office and picked up an adoption application, and asked more questions. I will post more about the beginning of our adoption journey later, but at this point I think it is safe to say that it has started, even if it barely has at this point.