Christmas With A Capital "C"

From Go Fish's Album Snow, with comedian Brad Stine (speaking parts - in italics).

Speaking:
I remember when people used to say things like "Merry Christmas" to each other.
Everybody said "Merry Christmas."
"Hey, Merry Christmas to you Mr. Lowenstein."
You know why? Cuz it wasn't about a religion.
It was something as a culture we thought was so valuable
that'd we'd all do it together even if I disagreed with the religion behind it because it was good for all of us instead of just me.
But what do people say now? "Happy holidays."
See I just say "Happy holidays" cuz I don't want to say Christmas cuz
you don't believe in Christmas and I don't want to offend you...

It's called Christmas

Well I went to the coffee shop to get myself a mocha
The lady at the counter said "Happy Holidays"
I said "Thanks lady, I am pretty happy
But there's only one holiday that makes me feel that way and..."

[Chorus]
It's called Christmas
What more can I say
It's about the birth of Christ
And you can't take that away
You can call it something else
But that's not what it'll be
It's called Christmas with a capital C

God's got a law and we've pretty much destroyed it
We're gonna get judged, there's no way to avoid it
But Jesus came down to take the punishment for me
He did it for you too, so now maybe you can see why

[Chorus]

It's called Christmas

Oh yes, we want to say "Happy holidays" because we don't want to leave anybody out. Really, how come there's a ton of holidays in February, and nobody ever says "Happy holidays" in February do they? They say what it is: "Happy Valentine's D..." Ooh, do you believe in love?

It's called Christmas

But nobody wants to say "Christmas" anymore more. Why? I know why - you do too. It's because it's got "Christ" in it, and after 2000 years, He's still intimidatin' people. You see, when a religious Person says "I am the Way" people don't want to hear it. They don't!

It's called Christmas

I say you've got to say "Merry Christmas" cuz it is. You don't believe in it? Fine. But I have a flash for you. Christianity happens to be the religious heritage of my country, whether you like it or not.

It's called Christmas

So if you're not a Christian, or you don't like it, and you don't want Christmas celebrated, God bless ya. But let me tell ya somethin', if you think you're gonna stop me from saying it because it offends you, hey I've got a flash for ya: Put a helmet on! It's my country too!

[Chorus x2]

It's About The Cross

From Go Fish's Album Snow.

It's not just about the manger where the Baby laid
It's not all about the angels who sang for Him that day
It's not just about the shepherds or the bright and shining star
Oh, it's not all about the wisemen who traveled from afar

[Chorus]
It's about the cross
It's about my sin
It's about how Jesus came to be born once
So that we could be born again
It's about the stone
That was rolled away
So that you and I could have real life someday
It's about the cross

It's not just about the presents underneath the tree
It's not all about the feeling that this season brings to me
It's not just about coming home to be with those you love
Oh, it's not all about the beauty and the snow I'm dreaming of

[Chorus]

The beginning of the story is wonderful and great
But it's the ending that can save you and that's why we celebrate

It's about the cross
It's about my sin
It's about how Jesus came to be born once
So that we could be born again
It's about God's love nailed to a tree
It's about every drop of blood that flowed from Him
When it should've been me
It's about the stone that was rolled away
So that you and I could have real life someday
It's about the cross

**Bolded emphasis mine.

Empty Me

I heard this song by Chris Sligh yesterday, and for some reason it keeps bouncing around in my head. I even woke up to it this morning. The lyrics are powerful and I wanted to share the words of the chorus:

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds onto
Lord, empty me of me so I can be filled with You

I pray that this is the attitude and focus of my heart as I navigate my day.

4 Years Together

Last week Narasimha and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary - exciting :) N got off work early, so we went shopping, and then to a restaurant called Rock Bottom which is in Des Moines. The food was good, and fun to reflect on the time we've had together (actually we talked about something a little unorthodox for such an occasion - maybe I'll post it someday). It's been a lot of fun, and always a learning experience. Of course it hasn't always been rosy - no relationship is - but it's fun to look back and see the different ways that God has shown us over the years that yes, this is the way our lives were supposed to turn out. I can't even believe some of the times I have looked at us, or a certain situation, and thought wow, this sure is something special. Sometimes people ask us if we have a hard time with our differences (the obvious big ones, like being raised in separate cultures and countries, and with different religions, etc.). Very uninterestingly, the answer is no. Those "big" differences cause almost no (if none at all) friction between us - when we fight it's about the mundane or dumb little things, probably much like the rest of you American-only couples. I am so thankful for my husband, and for our family that God will someday give us, and all the many blessings I have in both of these. I wanted to share the words of one of the songs that was sung at our wedding (made popular on the radio by Steven Curtis Chapman) - the words are so true, and every passing day and year I have our future to look more and more forward to.

I Will Be Here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
And I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you mean to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise that I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
We'll be together
And I will be here

India Trip 2008 - A Summary

Have you ever done something, and then after the fact looked back and said "Why?" Well, unfortunately, that describes much of our India trip this time for me. Here's my confession.

We had some good times, and it was great to see my inlaws and spend time with Narasimha away from work and enjoying himself. However, for many reasons which I won't go into here, the trip was not really all that relaxing and proved to be almost more stressful probably than just staying home. By the end of the trip I thought, "I need a vacation!"

It's disappointing for me to look back and remember how I handled many of the situations that arose. Maybe some of them were out of my control, but that's somewhat irrelevant. There were times that I was ungracious, unloving, unthankful, and the list goes on and on. I am truly sorry for the way things turned out (and think I have apologized to all of the people involved). The worst part of all of this is that I fear that any Christian influence I had in the lives of many people I care deeply about (and people who have varying relationships with Christ) is probably ruined, or at least badly tainted. I profess to love Jesus, and then I go act like that - ouch.

There were good times, as you can see by the pictures I added. And, luckily, my memory of the bad times is fading, and as I look at all of the pictures of the trip, I remember mostly good things because we are smiling in all of the pictures.

So, as hazy as this post is, after a week and a half of thinking and processing the events that took place, I just wanted to report that I screwed up, and I fear more dire consequences than a wasted vacation.

I heard this song by Michael W. Smith the other day on the radio (I have heard it many times before as well) and it really hit home in light of many things that happened during the month of January thousands of miles away from where I sit right now.

Never Been Unloved
I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I have been undesirable

And sometimes I have been unwise
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of
But because of You
And all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I have been unapproachable

I've been unemotional
I've been unexceptional
I've been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware
I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

It's because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

How true the words of this song are, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say everyone who reads this post has felt this way at some point. It makes me feel better to know, especially right now, that God doesn't love me for who I am or what I do, but when God sees me, He sees Jesus as my intercessor. This has been a truly humbling experience.

Introduction

Over the course of the last few years, our lives have changed in ways I never would have imagined. We got married a few years ago, which has been wonderful. I always knew I wanted to get married, and it has been all and more than I ever dreamed it would be. I married a man with demographics different from my own, but all of those differences have made for surprises and excitement that I am so thankful to have in my life. I love the country/culture he came from and I know that without him in my life I wouldn't have a chance to experience both of those things in the way that I have been able to with him. Some of the life changes that have been most difficult to overcome have been presented to us in the last two years.

Moving
We knew from the time we got married that there was a good chance that we probably wouldn't be able to stay in I-town forever. My husband, as a foreign national, has visa requirements from the US Government that he has to fulfill (his being married to me - a US citizen - does not remove the requirements). One of these requirements was to return to his home country once his training was finished in I-town. We went back and forth with this, but decided at this time in our lives it would be easier to stay in the States, so he applied for a waiver to get out of moving back to India. His waiver was granted, but the terms of the waiver say that he has to work in an "underserved" area for 3 years. I-town does not count as underserved, but M-town does. So he accepted a job in M-town and we moved here.

M-town has been an adjustment. Narasimha loves his job and his coworkers. Everyone in the community has been wonderful and always very nice. For those who are from Iowa know that I-town has much more to do, but we don't "do" very much so we don't really even miss that aspect all that much. As far as that goes, our biggest disappointment is now that the closest Indian restaurant is now about an hour away, instead of 5 minutes.

We are, however, mourning the loss of a few things. First: people. We miss our friends very much. We have started to make new and very nice friends in M-town, but we still miss the people who became like our family while we were in I-town. Second: church. We really really miss our church (and of course many of the people we knew from church). This is the place where I, for the first time in my life, started to really grow as a Christian and realize what the process of sanctification entails. This is also the place where Narasimha came to Christ, obeyed by following in believers' baptism, and also grew as a Christian man from a primarily Hindu background. We also got married and celebrated our first 3 anniversaries while at this church. The people at this church also loved and supported us through the other change in our lives that I was going to mention...

Infertility
We have known now for over a year that we are going to have a more difficult time than most couples do trying to get pregnant, and that is if it ever happens. We have wanted to get pregnant for even longer than that. It has been at times a rough road, but we have learned a lot, and I believe that we are closer now as a couple than we ever would have been without this trial. God is good and has shown us so much.

I am going to add something to the end of this post that I wrote a few days after my first Mother's Day as one half of a "primary infertile" couple (what the medical community calls people who can't conceive and never have or never have been able to). Some of my feelings may have changed slightly since May, but there have been no major changes to our family status/planning since then (pregnancy, adoption, foster care, etc).

Here goes:

Mother's Day 2007 came and went as we appreciated our mothers - their love, their sacrifices, their friendship. I personally had been inwardly dreading Mother's Day for a few weeks before - nothing too averse, just a yucky feeling in the bottom of my stomach as it got closer and closer. I never really even thought much about it (my aversion, that is), but the thing I did know was that I didn't really want to go to church that morning, especially since I knew I'd be going alone - Narasimha had to work. For those who don't know, Narasimha and I have been trying to conceive for about a year now, with no success. What an interesting, and almost dehumanizing, problem. Something that you always imagine is supposed to come so naturally. Our doctor told us (and I have read) how really scientific and impossible the miracle of life is to begin. But then you hear of drunk teenagers losing their virginity and winding up with pregnant with twins, and you think, now how was that scientific? Narasimha and I have definitely done our grieving, as at this point we both feel a very real sense of loss, although the way we feel continues to evolve. There was the denial, the anger (which, in our case came more as a sense of judgment on those who can have children - those who in our eyes aren't nearly as qualified for parenting as we could be), and a whole range of other thoughts and emotions. I have cried more tears and felt more alone, and more sorry for myself, than I ever have before over any one issue. Parenthood is something I have been dreaming of my whole life. Some little girls dream of their wedding, or their prince in shining armor (I had/have both of these, and they were/are great, but those were never the things I dreamed about). I dreamed about being a Mommy, for about as long as I can remember. I dream(ed) about spending my days answering silly questions, and cleaning applesauce out of someone's hair, and passing my idiosyncrasies on to another little person (and there are lots, as everyone who knows me well, knows :). But now all this is passed. I can't say that I am not still sad - I am. With any great tragedy (and I don't want to claim a catastrophic-level tragedy, but for those who can imagine, or for those of us who have been here, this situation does seem and feel very personally "tragic" on many levels) there is a lesson to be learned. I would like to share some of what I have learned.

First, I serve a great God, who loves me, and Narasimha, very much. There is much evidence of this in our lives, every single day.

Second, one of the attributes of this God that I have come to appreciate so much is His supreme sovereignty in my life. Part of getting over the anger/judgment I explained above was realizing and meditating on this specific attribute. God promises us in Isaiah 55:8-9: "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Just because I don't "get" something, or things don't make sense to me, that's ok, they don't have to. If I trust God, and I do, then I can trust that He knows what is best for me, and ultimately what is necessary for His glory to be worked through my life.

Third, God has a plan for me, and for us as a couple. We believe that this plan involves children. The reason we wanted to have children is because we want them - we love each other and I think that children are sort of a natural progression of the love/marriage/family thing that we do (we in a universal/cultural sense). We also want to have children because we believe that in that way we would be serving/submitting to God's plan in our lives as we would do our best to raise these little people to fear and love the Lord as we do, and that they would also be evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in other aspects of our lives. Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Our every desire would be to raise our children to be lovers and followers of Jesus, as we both very much are. We have talked about the "how" of raising our children. Things we do and don't think are acceptable, traditions we want to start/keep, and the way we want to incorporate God into our lives as a family, among, of course, many many other things. God has really showed us a need, and laid on our hearts, a burden for children who aren't ours in a biological sense. We have looked into both adoption and foster care, and at this point we believe that even if we are able to eventually conceive, we will still pursue one or both of these things sometime in the future. We haven't done much about either at this point, as we are still strictly waiting on God, but we have so much love to give and so many resources to share, and we want to do all we can with all the blessings God has given us.

Fourth, we believe that God is using this in our lives. There are many ways this is being carried out. We feel he is using this to stretch/grow us into the kind of people who trust completely on Him. This is not easy, as by our nature we are generally prideful and always attempting to be self-sufficient people. The verses II Corinthians 12:9-10 have been so encouraging to me: "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." How peaceful to know that when I give up on my own strength, Christ will take over and I will have His perfect strength operating in my life, rather than whatever the best is that I can do myself (which, as I have found by experience, is nothing compared to what Christ can and will do for me if I will just let Him).

We also feel that He is testing our reliance on His perfect provision, and our patience to wait upon His timing. This has manifested itself partly in our rejection of medical interventions. We have been offered different fertility-assistance measures - IVF, IUI, etc. I won't go into details here (but would be happy to answer questions for those who are interested) but there are things that the medical community can do to help people conceive (and with our situation, these things would likely, according to medicine, work). To clarify, we don't have a problem with either of these procedures, on a fundamental level (as we do have a problem with abortion on any level). There are ways to do either of these medical interventions without compromising human/embryonic life, although doing so with that level of integrity will often increase the end price (financially and even physically) to become pregnant. We believe that the way we could best honor God right now in our lives and situation, and show our trust/faith in His ability to do as much and in reality much more than the science of fertility medicine, is to wait on His perfect timing. Isaiah 40:31 says "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." God can, and has, and will continue to give us the strength we need to wait on His timing. So we have decided to not take this route of medical intervention, and never say never, but we don't believe this will ever be something we will consider.

Finally, not lastly, but the last I will talk about here, is how little my life is about me. God did not create me that I might be happy or be fulfilled. God created me for His pleasure. I am learning to forget about my perceived "rights." I don't have any - I don't have the right to be happy, or the right to get my own way, or in this case the right to bear a child. What I do deserve for who I am (a sinner) is separation from God forever, as a result of my sin. God has given me eternal life, since I believe in Jesus and that Jesus is who the Bible says He is and that He did what the Bible said He did. And I do believe that God gives us so many blessings each day, even though I don't deserve them (I personally have countless blessings in my life). But God doesn't have to do anything, and He certainly doesn't have to entertain my notions of what I think would be best in my life. God will do with my life what He deems best for His Kingdom and the furtherance of His gospel, and I am learning to be not only okay with that, but be thankful for being a part, even in my suffering, of His plan. The fact that He has chosen to use me in my brokenness is a blessing in my life. In Philippians 1:12-13, the Apostle Paul is talking about his own personal hardships (and any of us who think we have life rough could probably look as Paul's life and realize our problems pale in comparison) and he says: "But I want you to know, brothers, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel...my chains are in Christ." He means that his suffering, no matter how bad, has been for the good of Christ. I believe the same applies to my life.

So back to Mother's Day. I did go to church that morning (alone). Church was fine - I got a sympathetic but encouraging card from a special friend, and another close friend gave me a carnation that was intended for mothers of the church as a gift during the service that morning (and I got a few hugs :). I was fighting back tears during the "Mother's Day" part of the service, but it was brief, and I was okay. When the service was finished, I chatted with friends and then took off for home to see my hubby. The radio station we listen to had a beautiful CD playing (they don't broadcast live during Sunday morning), and it was popular hymns played by piano alone. I really love music, and if one thing is able to evoke my emotions, music is it. The song "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" came on, and that was it, I bawled all the way home. I don't know what it was about that song that got me going. I know it from singing it in church over the years, but it has never been my favorite (How Great Thou Art is probably my personal favorite since I was very young). But at that moment, it really touched my heart. That evening we went to the PM Service, and it was a special Mother's Day music selection night. The mothers who were there got to choose the songs we sang. We sang a few of other people's requests, and I flipped through the book to find Come Thou Fount. I found it, but decided against raising my hand, as I am really not a mother yet. You won't believe it, but someone sitting behind me chose that very song as the next one. Out of over 800 songs in that book, God knew how to speak to me in that moment. I again was fighting back tears as we sang that song, but I just had a peace that no matter what, it was all going to be okay. I really knew God cares for my sadness. As I Peter 5:6-7 says: "Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." I called the radio station to find out what that CD was, and went out a few days later and bought it as my very first Mother's Day gift, from me and from God. By the way, I highly recommend it - it is called the Living Room Sessions by Chris Rice. I have listened to it almost every day since, and I still tear up every time.

If you have read this far, thank-you. You have just read into some of the deepest feelings of my heart. This has been tough for us as a couple, but we are so thankful for everything in our lives, including this "speed-bump" for our plans for our family. Please feel free to share an insight if you have one, even if you disagree with something I said. May God be glorified in all that I say and do.

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Come, Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace.
Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer; Hither by Thy help I come.
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger Wand'ring from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy grace, Lord, like a fetter, Bind my wand'ring heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.

This hymn was written in the mid-1700's by a man named Robert Robinson. The words of especially the 1st and 3rd verses remind me just how much I need to, during this time and trial in my life, by God's grace alone remove myself from the equation and focus my full attention on God's love and mercy.