Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Narasimha and I had a very busy last week or so - here is some of what we did for Christmas.

Weekend of December 21-23: Christmas with my Mom's side of the family. This was at my Mom and Dad's house in central Iowa. In attendance were my Grandpa and Grandma, my 10 aunts and uncles, 16 cousins, and my Dad, Mom, and my three siblings. I was very thankful because that was the weekend Narasimha got home from Canada, so he got to join us. I was also varying degrees of miserable for most of the weekend with a sinus infection that I still actually have after a whole week on antibiotics - yuck!

Christmas Eve: Narasimha had to work in the morning, so when he got home in the afternoon we relaxed for a while, and then I made chili for dinner. We ate dinner, and then drove around M-town for over an hour and looked at Christmas lights. We found some pretty good displays. We got home and opened our gifts for each other, and then watched part of a movie to wind down.

Christmas Day: We got up early and headed to Dad and Mom's house for Christmas there with my immediate family. In the morning we opened gifts as a family, and for lunch went to our neighbor's house for our traditional Christmas dinner. When we got done eating, we napped most of the afternoon on the floor of my childhood bedroom (we slept on the floor so the dogs could sleep with us). Then, back to the neighbor's house for dinner and annual neighborhood party, followed by a little ice skating on the lake my parents live on. We returned to our house by that night, because Narasimha had to work on Wednesday.

We were supposed to have a Christmas for my Dad's side of the family this weekend, but my grandma wasn't feeling well, so my parents went to Wisconsin to visit her and my aunt and uncle and family, while Narasimha and I stuck around and tried to finish some projects at home.

I very much enjoyed everything we did, and everyone we got to see, during the last week or so. I received nice and thoughtful gifts, and I think my shopping and was mostly successful this year. I also enjoyed, as always, the time spent thinking about Jesus and all Christmas means for the promises I have from God.

We hope you had a great time with family and friends during this holiday season, and hope you had a chance to reflect on "The Reason for the season" in some way as you celebrated this year.

Home for Christmas!

People started calling the Embassy yesterday morning, but we decided mid-morning to lay off, since the Embassy doesn't have to do what anyone says, and might get passive-aggressive if people bug them too much. So we had to wait until 3pm (Ottawa time). Narasimha bought new shoes and went to stand in line a whole hour early, so he could be the first one there at 3. His plane was supposed to leave at 4, and the airport was about 15-20 mins away, the traffic was terrible, and the city was covered in several inches of snow. Before he stood in line, we already knew his flight was delayed like 30 mins, and he had checked in online before then. So N. called me from the airport - he had gotten there fine, in plenty of time, and actually somehow was able to go through immigration there. There was a problem with his ECFMG thing (mentioned in a previous post) but the nice immigration lady believed Narasimha and actually fixed it and said he shouldn't have that problem again (if that was really that easy, I'm SHOCKED!). So Narasimha made his flight to Detroit, but it was delayed before he was on it, and again for after an hour once everyone boarded, so he missed his flight from Detroit to Minneapolis. He was in Detroit, and he actually saw our good friends from his residency at the airport - kinda random - they now live in Ohio, and they were going to Alabama for Christmas. So Narasimha was given a confirmation number for a later flight to Minneapolis, but was then told the flight was full and he would have to wait. Somehow he got on, and landed in Minneapolis after 10 pm. He got his rental, and drove home. It was super foggy, so he got home right at 3:30 am. It is so good to have him back - we'll call this our "Christmas Miracle."

Stuck

So not even 2 minutes after I published the last post, the lady from Senator Harkin's office called me back. She said that Narasimha's visa had been processed, and was done, but that it had just been done so he was going to miss his flight. I hung up, and just waited because I still hadn't talked to him for several hours (at this point, he didn't even know that I had ever talked to the Senator's people). I waited a while, and still hadn't heard, so I called the hotel to see if they had seen him. The transferred me, and next thing I hear is Narasimha saying "hello." I asked him if he got his visa. He said it wasn't done, so he came back to the hotel and checked back in. I told him that I had just talked to the Senator's office, and that it was supposedly done. We didn't know what time the Embassy closed, but he decided to run (literally) and see if he could get it. By this point he was too late to catch his flight. So he ran to the Embassy and it was closed, but someone was there and talked to him. They went in to look if the visa was finished. They came back out and said it wasn't, and that he could come back tomorrow after 3:00 pm. They also said "How would the Senator's office know it was done?" So he came back and called me, and I called Senator Harkin's office again. I talked to the lady who helped me before, and she said that it had definitely gotten printed, because she talked to the main boss of the whole Embassy, and that person said it was done. So no visa today, and no real proof that it's really ready. The only flight that Narasimha can find for tomorrow leaves Ottawa at like 4:00, and lands in Minneapolis. But Narasimha says the roads are pretty bad up there, so even if he did get the visa right at 3:00, it would still be pushing it to make a 4:00 flight in the traffic of the Friday before Christmas, with the roads in not-great condition. And, if this visa thing doesn't get taken care of by tomorrow, the earliest Narasimha could leave Canada would be next Thursday, because everything is closed for the first half of next week.

Apology and Update

First, I want to apologize for my little "vent" from yesterday's post. A good and wise friend once told me something along these lines: "Venting is making something that's not really about you about only you." Not to say that this whole situation isn't about me or doesn't affect me (us), but the bigger picture tells me that ultimately this situation is because for some reason I don't yet and might never understand, God allowed this to happen in our lives. For whatever reason, God wants Narasimha in Canada right now, and this is how He chose to get him and keep him there.

Verses that have been helpful to me today:
1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation (trial) has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, Who will not allow you to be tempted (tested) beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.

A few things I have considered since yesterday:

This "problem" isn't about the following things: Government workers needing to be below a certain IQ level to be able to be hired; My Christmas could be ruined; Life isn't fair - why me (us)?; Any number of things having to do with racism, etc.

God wants to teach me something through this trial as with any situation, good or bad. Something I think He wants to show me is that I should let more of me be operated by Him. Today I am much more calm about this whole thing than I was yesterday, which is good - I have had a change of heart and attitude. But that's not good enough. God doesn't want me to be joyful and Christ-like long after any given situation arises. God wants my first reaction to reflect what it should. Our Pastor at our previous church once said something like this: "As I grow as a Christian, I can see the time shorten between my first reaction to a problem and my ability to see God in the problem."

My attempt at a non-venting update:
-We haven't heard anything from anyone who knows anything for sure.
-Narasimha checked out of his hotel room at noon. He will go to the Embassy at 3:30 to see if by some chance it got done by today. If it isn't done, he will check back into the hotel. If it is done, perfect, his plane will leave a few hours later.
-The people who called Narasimha a few weeks ago, and who he called back about a week ago, was the Department of State. When Narasimha gave the lady the information, she thanked him and said that everything would be ready for his interview.
-The people who run the Embassy are from I think the INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services?). Their programs aren't updated with the information Narasimha gave to the Dept. of State, which is apparently the problem.
-Narasimha has physical pieces of paper with him right now in Canada that have the information that the Dept. of State needed, and that now the Embassy needs. This isn't good enough - the Embassy needs it in the computer, and I guess they can't put it there themselves.
-Another issue came up yesterday when Narasimha was at the Embassy, and the man who interviewed him said it wasn't an issue for this stamping process, but that it would be when Narasimha tries to cross the border to get back to the US. This problem is regarding N's status with the ECFMG (Educational Commissioner of Foreign Medical Graduates). The man told Narasimha to call the facility he just graduated from and ask them to update it. Narasimha called his old program people, and they didn't get back to him, so he called ECFMG directly. The man who he talked to from ECFMG was really nice to N, and said that this is "getting out of hand." Apparently N isn't the first person with this problem, and Narasimha's status IS updated in their computer, but somehow must not be getting updated in the INS computers (sound familiar?). So, if/when all the current stuff gets resolved, Narasimha still might not be allowed back in due to this issue at the border.
-Narasimha's hospital has been in contact with our state representative, who called/emailed several people yesterday but didn't hear back as of this morning.
-My sister works for some important government person who gave my sister the name of a woman in Senator Harkin's office. My sister called this woman in Senator Harkin's office this morning, and that woman called me. A few hours ago when I talked to her, I gave her some information that I could find here (N. left me copies of everything) and she was going to call the Embassy in Ottawa directly. I have not yet heard back from her.
-Narasimha has been frustrated obviously from Canada as well - he said people who he talks to are often rude and less than helpful, and they act so casual about everything (like this thing that is going on isn't that big of a deal and it doesn't matter to get it done quickly/efficiently).
-There are a million more little details that I can't remember right now - I will post again if anything changes.

Update on visa processing

So Narasimha arrived in Canada ok - last night at about 10:30. This morning he had his appointment at 8:30, and called me shortly after and said that something had gone wrong, and that they hadn't stamped his passport (or given his visa, or whatever) and that they said he would have to come back NEXT Friday to get it, because that's when it would be done. Apparently N's appointment time came this morning, and he had everything he was supposed to have, and the guy who was doing his "interview" said, well, you didn't call us back when we called, and we need this other information. Side Note: They did call our house, about 1.5 weeks ago, and Narasimha did call them back, about a week ago and told them everything they needed to know (another 1-900 number that I have come to love so much with these people). Narasimha told him this, and the guy said that apparently the system hadn't been updated yet, so they didn't have the info they needed. So the visa wouldn't get done this week, and since next week is Christmas, the offices are closed for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So the earliest he said it would get done would be next Friday. Merry Christmas from Ottawa apparently. So Narasimha left - he can't really say anything to these people because then they can just say, well, you don't like it, then go back to your home country without any visa at all. This has happened to people Narasimha knows. So, Narasimha left, and called the CEO of his hospital, and the CEO called the state senator or someone. Then, a while after I talked to Narasimha, someone from the Embassy in Ottawa called Narasimha's cell phone, which I have, and said that they had called Washington DC about this problem, and that Narasimha could try to pick up the visa on this Friday afternoon, but of course, there were no guarantees. So Narasimha will almost certainly miss his flight home tomorrow evening, and of course, being the weekend before Christmas, there are not many flights left to choose from pretty much until Christmas is over. And, even if he does get his visa Friday, it doesn't look like he'll know that he's getting it until they put it in his hand, which makes planning ahead slightly difficult. On top of all this, he only anticipated being there 2 nights, so he only took a carry-on bag, because he was afraid if he checked his luggage, they would lose it, and he wouldn't get his suit in time for his interview this AM. So he has enough clothes for 2 days. After much of this drama had played out, we were talking to Narasimha's brother on the phone, who happens to be an immigration attorney in the US. He said the reason for the delay is because the government is switching over to a new "easier" system for all this, and they made the switch about a week ago, and by the looks of it, it's not going well (shocking, I know). So, summary: Narasimha is stuck in Canada, and very well could be over Christmas, and no one will tell him what's going on, and the government is (obviously) not ready to fix what they screwed up. I am trying not to get mad, but it's tough. Not for me - I can go to my family's and hang out. Narasimha is going to be in that hotel room for possibly 10+ days, and over Christmas. I expected that this would be annoying - immigration stuff always is - but in this case, the government has definitely exceeded my expectations, and unfortunately not in a good way.

Trip to Canada

A few hours ago, I dropped Narasimha off at the airport for his trip to Canada to get his visa stamped. Until now, this visa thing hasn't been a very easy process. There have been more problems since I wrote a post a few weeks ago about this trip which have just added to the frustrations. But none of that matters now. He will fly to Canada through Chicago, have his meeting on Wednesday morning I think at 8:30, and then hopefully get it accepted and stamped. If not, he will not be allowed back in the US. He has everything he needs (paperwork, etc.) but I don't know that that matters much. I guess if he got rejected I would have to meet him in India, and ultimately, we would have to move there for at least 2 years (same deal as back before we knew it was accepted for us to be able to move to M-town, for those who know about that whole deal). So, this is a pretty big thing for us. I would think that the chances that he would get rejected would be low, but still possible, and unpredictable I suppose. People have asked me if I am nervous about him going. I guess I hadn't really thought much about it until people started asking. But, as I see it, no real use worrying - that sure won't change anything (that doesn't mean I won't maybe at least a little...). So, I will pray. And, if you are the praying sort, I would request prayer from you who may read this as well.

How to pray for us in the next few days:
-Safety travelling - flights on Tuesday and Thursday, and I have heard there is yucky weather in the forecast.
-That the visa would be stamped, and on time.
-If things don't work out the way we think they should, that we can see God through the trials and be able to thank Him for whatever He sends our way.

Thanks for your prayers!

Christmas Meme

I was tagged in a blog from a friend and fellow blogger to answer the questions on the Christmas Meme. I normally get a few of these each year in my email (and have this year too), and always intend to fill them out, but put it off long enough and then never end up doing it. They're fun, so I'll post mine here too :)

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Mostly red and silver wrapping paper (all the same, changed yearly) which matches our tree decor - although I do use bags for grab-bag gifts or irregularly shaped things sometimes.
2. Real tree or artificial? Fake for sure. I love the smell of real ones, but I can get that in a candle, and then I don't have to deal with dead needles, bugs/mice (potentially), the tree holder leaking, getting rid of the tree at the end, etc.
3. When do you put up your tree? Since we do fake trees, anytime AFTER Thanksgiving - even the next day would be ok with me. But this year we've been slow, so maybe tonight.
4. When do you take the tree down? Um, any time after Christmas is fine - although hopefully by New Year.
5. Do you like eggnog? Yeah, although not as much as Narasimha does. I won't buy it for him until after Thanksgiving though. I also like to use it as coffee creamer, or sometimes I put it in French toast mix instead of milk.
6. Favorite gift received as a child? One that sticks out is my microscope set that I got in like 5th grade - I was a science dork.
7. Do you have a Nativity scene? Yes - and that is one "Christmas" decoration that I have considered leaving out all year around, although I would move it to a more central location in December.
8. Hardest person to buy for? Definitely my dad, although the older my little brother gets, the harder I am finding it is to buy for him too.
9. Easiest person to buy for? Narasimha - he likes everything!
10. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? The ones I probably hated receiving the most, not that they were necessarily bad, were clothes as a kid - never seems like very much fun (some kids probably like it - I was a tomboy).
11. Mail or email Christmas cards? Snail mail, although if my list keeps getting longer and the price of stamps keeps going up, I might reconsider (though I don't think I'd ever change my practice).
12. Favorite Christmas movie? There are a few cute ones, but I don't know that I have a favorite. Narasimha and I started a tradition of getting a new Christmas movie each year to watch on Christmas Eve after we get done with everything else.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? In a perfect world, I would be done, or at least know what I'm getting everyone, by Thanksgiving. I don't like to put that off, because I do not like shopping with an agenda. This year, I am still far from finished.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I don't think so.
15. Favorite things to eat at Christmas? Anything with salt (not much of a sweet-tooth).
16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear on the fancy one, colored on the fun one. Right now we only have a fancy one, but someday we'll have both.
17. Favorite Christmas song? I like almost all Christmas music - except some of the secular music, or nice Christ-centered songs redone "trash-ily" by secular artists. I am also not a big fan of taking something very traditional and really changing the melody. But back to the question - I really really love "O Holy Night" ever since I started really listening to Christmas music, and in the last few years I like "O Come Emmanuel" a lot too.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? The last few years we have done our Christmas on Christmas Eve at home, Christmas day with my family at their house, and then my grandparents' on separate weekends sometime around Christmas. This schedule working on any given year in the future will be contingent upon N's call schedule.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yes, but only if I sing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" in my head.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? For each other - Christmas Eve. With my family - Christmas morning.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? The secular-ization - taking "Christ" out of "CHRIST-mas." Also, the strong focus on gift buying and how material we as a society make the celebration of Jesus' birth.
23. What is the "corniest" family tradition you do, or miss doing? I can't really think of anything "corny" - my dad is always a goof when we're opening presents - does that count?
24. Ugliest Christmas Decoration ever invented? Anything over-done. Actually, the thing I hate the most is those huge bubble things people put in their yards, with the lights and fake blowing snow and stuff - I think those are really tacky.
25. Which looks the best, theme trees or homey trees? There's a time and place for both, although my definition of "theme" would be any certain color-combo.
26. What does Christmas mean to you? Jesus willingly coming here - we are celebrating our God in the flesh. Without His coming, we wouldn't be able to celebrate Easter, or go be with Him in heaven when our time here is done. What a special and amazing thing - if I sit and think about Jesus here, walking on our earth, and everything that means, and all the prophecy fulfilled, it's almost more than I can wrap my head around.

Another "Special" Day

My birthday was this week - another year older. I am getting to the age where that's no longer always a great thing :) Narasimha gets off work early every Wednesday, so we celebrated then. He came home and asked me to sit in our room while he set up my surprise. A few minutes later, he called me out. There was an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen (his specialty :) with all this fire on top. So I blew out the candles and we had a piece of (yummy) cake - he knows that I love it. Then, he gave me my gift. I got a nice brown purse which I have had my eye on.

I really do like it - he did a great job of buying the one I showed him on the internet :) Then, I got to pick where we went for supper. I don't think we have had a good Indian meal since we moved in June, and I was really craving it. So I asked him if we could go all the way to Des Moines and have some Indian food. Of course he didn't say no :) So we went to a restaurant I have never eaten at before - the ambiance was better than most of the Indian restaurants that we have been to (seems like many Indian restaurants, especially the ones where the food is good, have that hole-in-the-wall sort of feel).

The food was good - one of the dishes that we got - mutton (lamb) biriyani - was delicious! I am so happy there are leftovers. Then, on the way home, we stopped at my parents' house and I got to hear happy birthday from most of my family in person. That was the fun part of my birthday.

The other part was the night before. We were watching TV, and my anatomy book was sitting on the couch (I just finished a course where I used it), so I started flipping through it. I went to the chapter on embryology, and then to the chapter on the reproductive system, and it got me thinking about pregnancy. First - how amazing the process is, and how little babies wouldn't be born, with the intricacies of the process, by chance and science alone (God's work is amazing!). Second - how this has not yet happened to me. Then I started counting, and realized it has been 18 months of unsuccessful trying for us. Which I know, some people have tried lots longer than that, but it made me sad for us thinking about it.

We have come to the point in our journey where nearly every happy occasion is met with the happiness that is supposed to be felt, and also by an underlying sense of sadness, missing the little person who you want to be there celebrating with you, but isn't. I came to another birthday without a bassinette at the foot of our bed, and without ever experiencing a midnight feeding. Now, I know this is God's plan for us, and I am ok with that, or at least I try to be. But sometimes in my selfishness of wanting my plan to happen, I just want a baby. So I went to bed feeling pretty sad. God has been good when it comes to my attention. For how much I want this to happen, I really don't think about it all that much. And when I do, it is generally positive and passing. But that night, as I was laying there feeling more and more sad, I felt the tears well up. Narasimha had already fallen asleep, so I was trying to be quiet. I started crying, and this wasn't a watching-a-sad-movie, single-tear sort of cry. This was one of those cries where your whole body literally aches, and you feel your sadness deeper in your soul than you knew it could be - a visceral sort of grief that seems to make you hurt from the inside out. Most of the time I stop myself from crying about my missing baby, but this time I let it take me, and I took a moment and really grieved my coming to another year without my baby by my side. And when it was all over, I felt a little better. Obviously nothing has changed, but like, ok, so I can still take this because God wants me to and because I really don't have a choice.

There are things about this journey that I am so thankful for, and I don't even know that I would necessarily "undo" our infertility if given the chance - although one day I do hope it resolves. I will talk about the things I am thankful for another day - I think today's post is long enough.

Thoughts on Fostering

I was looking at my calendar this morning and realized that it was one year ago today that Narasimha and I attended an informational meeting about foster care. We knew at the time that having biological children could take a while for us, and we were not yet ready (and still really aren't) to start looking into adoption very seriously. We were, and are, waiting to see if God has biological children in our future. So we did some thinking, and foster care came up.

We know that foster care wouldn't be easy - many have warned us that it's not exactly a cakewalk. The kids often come from less than loving and nurturing situations, and often still have unwavering allegiance to the people they are being taken from. We have heard (from people who know first-hand) that this can be very frustrating. Also, many of the kids come from all kinds of abusive situations, which just adds to the baggage.

So...why bother with this? Our first thought was: why does it have to be about us? Why does it have to be easy or fun for us? Why can't it be about us giving of ourselves - our time, love, resources, etc., to someone who can't or won't give back? Who's to say that any biological children we would have, or children we would adopt, wouldn't tax us in some ways. I know there were times when I certainly gave my parents a run for their money.

We also feel like we have so much to give. We want to share what we have and help those in need. We both have backgrounds (work and education) that make us probably more qualified and ready than most people who are successful foster parents to be able to do this well - very little surprises us anymore. Not that we would be perfect by any means, but we could be stable and loving. From what I have heard, these two things are more than most kids in the system can count on.

Plus, sometimes we just think it would be fun to get kids in our home. Borrow someone else's while we wait, and hopefully help a family in the process. People who foster have the opportunity to work with the child(ren) and family to help figure out what works to get everyone living safely under the same roof again. With my own personal interest in eventually counseling, that work with "integration" sounds like something I would enjoy.

So, back to the meeting. We showed up, and our first question was if we would even be able to, with Narasimha not being a citizen. We sat through the meeting, and were still interested, and talked to the woman at the end about our concern. She said she didn't know about citizenship issues, but she thought (and I had already thought) that maybe I could be a foster parent, and Narasimha could get certified as another adult living in the home. Kinda like if people are foster parents, and like one of the foster parent's parents lives with them, they still have to do a background check, and a sex offender check on that person. They have to do checks on any adult living in the home. So we thought maybe that would work. The only thing the woman said was that Narasimha wouldn't be able to keep the kids for the overnights by himself. He could watch them for a few hours at a time by himself, like for a few hours in an evening, but not for a whole night. That didn't bother us, because we almost never spend the nights separately - especially where I would be the one to leave. Sometimes he leaves when he is on call, but that wouldn't be against the rule. So we thought it would maybe work.

We went home and sent in the paperwork. A lady called us back and I told her about our situation with the citizenship. She said she would look into it. In a few days she called back, and said that no, we wouldn't be able to do foster care until Narasimha had his green card (which is still several years off, in our situation). Narasimha is currently, and always has been, here legally. I asked her if she had looked into the scenario we thought - me be the official "parent" and him be another adult living in the home. She said that since we were married, that can't work. If a couple is married, they both have to be certified foster parents. Our scenario, she said, would work if we were living together and not married. Then both people don't have to be certified foster parents (and maybe can't be certified as a couple, who knows). I also know that same-sex couples (who obviously aren't married) are allowed to foster.

So we basically had to forget about that. It's ok - it's obviously not God's plan for our family right now. At the same time, I felt really frustrated. I felt like (once again) our society is attacking the Biblically-defined institution of marriage. Basically, we want to and are able to give of ourselves in this way, but the government won't let us because we are married, where if we were unmarried (or homosexual) and living together, we would be rewarded.

I have heard that there might be ways for us to do foster care in this county - when we moved, we changed counties, and I heard that the county we came from might be more strict. I haven't looked into that. I have also heard that there are independent foster care opportunities. I don't know anything about that, but when things slow down a bit, we might check into that route.

So, today I am remembering foster children in my prayers. Their struggles, situations, and the families they are coming from. And, with the above criteria, even the families they are placed into. I have known many foster kids from my previous job, and my heart goes out to those displaced children - now during the holiday season and everyday they live their lives essentially in limbo.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! I had a great day - we went to Wisconsin to visit my aunt and uncle and their family, and my grandma who lives with them. It was a lot of fun although I think more of the day was spent in the car than anything else :) I wanted to share some of the things I am most thankful for today.

- My God and Savior Jesus Christ, and my salvation through Him
- The power and privilege of prayer, and the Bible by which I am able to know Him more
- My husband and his affection and support
- My family and friends who give me many laughs and show much love, and the time I get to spend with them
- My trials - it is through them I grow
- The health and abilities of my family, friends, and myself
- Our many material blessings

There are so many more things I couldn't list them all if I typed all day - I hope you had a chance to reflect on what you are thankful for today.

And, now that T-day is over, may the Christmas season (and Christmas music) begin :)

My grandma, siblings, cousins, Narasimha and I, and Bella (not in that order :)

Narasimha and I

The First Snow

Today was the first snow of the season - it is so beautiful! I was talking to my mom on the phone this morning and she said that it was snowing where she was, and I looked out the window and saw that it was snowing here too. I hadn't noticed until then. It is fun to have it snow this early in the year - last year I don't think it snowed until after Christmas. So I was in the holiday mood today - I even started thinking about writing a Christmas letter which I am going to try really hard to do this year. We live out in the country, so once when I looked up there were a few deer just a few feet away from our fence in the back yard. And actually, from looking at our backyard it seems like we got several inches and like it may be sticking around for a while. This was Bella's first experience with snow, and she is so short that it rubs her belly when she walks - I don't think she likes it. She was woofing at it and trying to "eat" the problem - as soon as she stepped out the door she was trying to lick up all the snow. One of our other dogs, Topper, also likes to eat snow. I am really thankful for the aesthetics of the snow today, although I am not sure what it will mean for those who are traveling tomorrow....

Poor Bella is a little too close to the ground :)

Taj and Topper enjoying a run (our back yard).

Standing at the end of our driveway looking down the road to get to our house.

Our Weekend

This weekend was so much fun! I went to the Mall of America with my mom and sisters, and Narasimha stayed at my parents' house and did major yardwork with my dad and brother and they even caught a hockey game Saturday night. We girls have started going up to MN at the beginning of November to sort-of kick off the holiday shopping season. I think it was originally meant to actually shop for gifts for other people, but we end up more just shopping for ourselves and getting ideas of what to get one another. We stay in a hotel overnight (one with a hot tub) and shop for 2 days in a row. I just can't ever believe how mammoth that place really is - it took us over a day just to do all the stores we wanted to do a first time! So when we got home last night we both slept like rocks because shopping is actually really exhausting, and Narasimha shoveled gravel and carried big rocks all weekend, and it was cold and rainy at least part of the time.

Our First Visitors

This has been an exciting week for me. My sister decided to take a break from college and told me last week that she would come stay overnight with me on Tuesday night. I was very excited to see her (and do her laundry of course), and then just a little before she got here, my other sister called and told me that she was on her way too. So one planned and one sporadic visit ended up being a very fun Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. We didn't do anything special - just chilled, watched TV and went to Chinese buffet as per the request of my sister with the tape worm. Then, Wednesday (yesterday) a few of our friends from our old church in I-town came and spent the afternoon here. Besides family, they were some of the first visitors we have had at the new house. I was so thankful that they could come, even though the house is still embarrassingly messy. It was fun to get to see them again, but it was also reassuring that even though I haven't seen either of them since like July, we got together and talked and it felt like we hadn't ever been apart. I guess if I am going to be in M-town, I feel better knowing that I still have my friends from before, even if I don't see them much. I guess didn't lose anything in the move - I just gained the new friends I have made here in M-town and I am now more thankful for the time I get to spend with those friends I maybe don't get to see as often as I'd like.

Veteran's Day 2007

Today is Veteran's Day. I hope you had a chance to go to a ceremony, thank a Vet, or at least reflect on what you have as a result of sacrifices others have made on your behalf. Our church had a special tribute to Vets, which was nice. There were more in our church than I would have guessed. Then, we went to a ceremony at a WWII Monument, and the speaker talked about the difference between Memorial Day and Veteran's Day. I didn't know this: Memorial Day is in memory of our service men and women who have lost their lives while serving while Veteran's Day is to pay tribute to all men and women who have served honorably, whether in active duty or not, and no matter when the service was. He encouraged us to especially remember and thank those Vets who have served at some time and are still alive today. Thank God today for those who have risked their lives for you and the freedom you are able to enjoy!

Word Combinations

I think it's really funny when people combine words - this is a trend that I first noticed a few years ago when I was in college. I think my friend Kelsey was the first person I ever heard do this. For example: gigantic and enormous = ginormous. Fantastic and fabulous = fantabulous. Chillin' and relaxin' = chillaxin'. You can even do it with names, as they do for the A-listers in Hollywood. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are often called "Brangelina" when referred to as a couple - there are many more examples of the name combos. Here is my shot at it: Narastina spent their fantabulous weekend chillaxin'. Too bad that didn't turn out sounding as cool as I'd hoped - haha :) Anyone else want to try?

On to Ottawa

Narasimha did get an appointment at the US Embassy (over the computer - he must have listened to the man's advice and checked very frequently) to get his passport stamped in Ottawa about a week before Christmas. He will have to go alone which I don't think he is thrilled about. And we did figure out that this process by the time you consider fees, traveling, accommodations, etc. will cost about $1000. I think I could think of more fun ways to spend that money :( Hopefully this is the last time he will ever have to do this - 4th time's a charm.

Cat and Mouse

I am normally not really a "cat" person, and Narasimha is actually allergic to them, but I will take the first to avoid the other (see title). It is getting cold outside, and we have already had one mouse inside that went through the whole kitchen making a mess and eating things, including my (Pampered Chef) spatulas. I actually don't know the extent of the damage because I haven't unpacked nearly everything since the move. A few weeks ago I also found a dead mouse in the back yard, about 10 feet from the deck that's attached to the house. So today we went to a friend of a friend of a friend and got some 9 week old kittens that look like potentially good "mousers." They will live in the garage, and hopefully all the dogs and both the cats can learn to live in harmony, although in reality they probably won't see much of each other. I asked one of our neighbors if she had mice in her house, and she said that she did every year until they got their cat. Sounds like a good investment to me! We are going to call the black one "Rocky" and the grey one "Smoky" - like the mountains.

Being Foreign in America

As I have mentioned in an earlier post, Narasimha isn't a citizen of this country. He is here currently on a work visa - the same one that required that we move to M-town. He will be on this visa for 3 years before being able to apply for a green card. He used to be on an exchange student visa, which had to be renewed every year. (In the following process, FYI, there is no part that is without monetary cost.) To get the visa renewed/stamped, the foreigner has to go to a US Embassy, of which there are none inside the US. We chose to go to Toronto and Ottawa, Canada, because those were closer than any others for us. This has not been an easy process. First, he has to apply and get a Canadian visa to go into Canada to go to his appointment at the US embassy. Then, he has to get there to go to the appointment. We have always driven. Then he has to do the appointment, and wait for a few days in Canada to see if they will grant the visa. If they don't, and they don't have to have a reason not to, then he doesn't get to come back to America - no questions asked. Even if he has a job, wife, house, etc. here, and even if he did everything exactly and perfectly that they asked him to do. Actually getting to Canada driving requires that you go through Detroit and through the border police. The way to Canada isn't bad - they check your passport, ask a few questions and wave you through. The way back to the US, however, has been pretty much a nightmare every time we have gone through. I can't believe how rude and racist they are. I understand they have a job to do, and trust me, I want them to do it well. I don't want terrorists or the like making it through our borders. But there is no reason for them to be unnecessarily rude and condescending to everyone who goes through and isn't white. Last time I checked, it wasn't considered a crime simply being not-white. I have been literally embarrassed for the way I have seen them treat people on the way through - embarrassed to even be an American and be associated with these unfriendly and cold-hearted cattle-herders. So, since he has a new visa, he has to get it stamped at an Embassy if he leaves the country and before he can come back. Since we are planning a trip overseas soon, he is looking at making the Canadian trek once again to get his visa stamped. He called the Embassy today (there is a website that you can use, but there are never any appointments available, so the Embassies allow you to call directly and for $2/min you can attempt to get an appointment over the phone). He talked to a man who was less than helpful. The man said that no, they don't have any appointments. Narasimha asked why not, and why don't they ever show up on the website, since he has been religiously watching the site, and also, how is he ever actually supposed to get an appointment. The man said that they do come onto the website, but Narasimha should be ready to check the website "between 40-50 times a day to get an appointment." Thanks for your help - now can I please have my $2/min back? Whenever we deal with these people, we always comment on how unfortunate it is that the people who are representing Americans on the front lines (literally - at the borders) are showing us to be a bunch of arrogant pigs who care nothing for anyone but ourselves, and treat everyone we encounter, good, bad, or otherwise, like the dirt on which we trample. After seeing first-hand how "we" treat foreigners as a first impression, I wonder a lot less than I otherwise would why whole countries of people hate us and threaten us and even kill us. I also wonder a lot less (not that I at all think it's ok) why people are here illegally - it would be much easier and cheaper for us to break the rules!

Puzzling Results

We had a follow-up test from a surgery that happened about a year ago, relating to our infertility struggle. The results are puzzling. The test showed way more improvement than we were anticipating, which is great, but also hard to believe. The results we got last week would honestly be nothing short of a miracle, which we know God is more than capable of doing, so we are hesitantly excited. God is good, but at this point it looks also like some kind of human error has played into the picture. We think we are going to follow-up with another facility to see what is going on. If the results are correct as they were reported, then glory to God for working a real miracle in our lives - maybe pregnancy isn't so far off after all, which at this point remains still a very big "maybe."

Why Pray?

I grew up as a Christian (someday I will post my testimony - it's a little unconventional) and over the years I have questioned many things concerning my relationship with Christ. One of my questions as somewhat of a philosophical thinker (I say philosophical but what I really mean is sometimes rebellious and always asking "why?") is "Why pray?" Let me explain. My thought process works as follows: God is sovereign (He does what He wants) and also knows already everything that ever will happen, and when and why, etc. I believe both of those things to be true, based on selected Scripture. So, if those are true, then why bother praying? What's the point - it's not like my prayers/desires are going to change what God has already planned, right? Whether what I want or opposite of what I want, it's already been determined... So again, what's the point in taking time on a potentially pointless waste of time?

Well, my memory of being a 4-year-old in Sunday School tells me that prayer isn't just a waste of time, but why? I have thought about it and looked a little more into it, and here is what I have come up with (this is not by any means an exhaustive list).

First, God tells us to, and as Christians, we should want to obey. (All of the following assumes that the Scriptures are actually the inspired words of God, and as such, nothing that is in the Bible is there without having a purpose...)

Paul talks in more than one of his epistles about praying for someone (or groups of people) and also requests that his brothers pray for him.
Philippians 1:3-4 "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy."

In Matthew God makes a point in telling us the correct manner to pray, and this passage ends with the well-known Lord's Prayer.
Matthew 5:5-13 - Too long to type - be sure to look it up Why would God include the way to correctly pray if prayer itself wasn't necessary.

Prayer can also make us feel better as we learn to better rely on God for our needs.
Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
I can't even count the times that I have experienced the true peace of God in times of trial - but only when I remember to ask for it!

Second, prayer seems to me to be not only about us and what we want, but about God and what He wants. Our prayers can show our reliance on only Him, as well as being a valuable tool of worship.

By the act of honest prayer, I believe we are accepting and acknowledging who God is, and who we are. By asking Him for help, we are admitting that we can't do it by ourselves. By thanking Him, we are admitting that we couldn't have done it without Him. By praying for others, we are admitting to the sovereignty of God over all matters - ones over which we have no control. The list goes on and on. The opposite of prayer, put bluntly, is pride and self-sufficiency.

One of the best arguments of why we would need to pray is when we look at our best Christian example: Jesus Christ. When Jesus was on this earth He was constantly praying, and He was God. Scripture records several instances where He spent time with His Father, and even His most painful and stressful and difficult time on this earth, the time surrounding His crucifixion, He spent hours in prayer (Matthew 26:36-44). If He needed it, why wouldn't we?

We should have time set aside each day for the worship of our God - to give Him the attention and place in our lives that He deserves.
Psalm 5:2-3 "Give heed to the voice of my cry, my King and my God, for to You I will pray. My voice you shall hear in the morning, O Lord."
I also think it is significant in this passage that the psalmist speaks of starting his day with God - I feel like it implies getting a right focus from the beginning of the day, even if that isn't necessarily the time you spend in devotions.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing"
This verse implies that prayer should be so important in our lives that we can't live without it, and that our hearts should be so intertwined with that of our Heavenly Father that we can't imagine breaking fellowship with Him anytime during our day.

This leads us to the next issue, which I will only briefly mention here. How do I, as a Christian submitting to the will of God, know how to pray correctly?

One thing that I heard once in a Bible study that has helped me to stay organized and in a sense feel like I have more productive time with God is to use the following acronym: ACTS (or CATS, depending on your preference).

A: Adoration - Recognize God for who He is and praise Him for that. I like to use His many Names/attributes.
C: Confession - Calling sin what God calls it, and being truly sorry for being a part of it
T: Thanksgiving - God has done so much for you (especially if your prayers are being heard because you are a child of His) - thank Him for it!
S: Supplication - or requests - what do you want God to do for you?

So the first three are fairly self-explanatory. The last one can be a little tricky. Do we ask God for what we really want, or do we respect His sovereignty by praying "Please Father give me what You deem best." I believe the answer is both. God wants to be everything to us, including our closest friend, so it only makes sense to be able to open up and tell Him the deepest desires of our heart, wholly and honestly. At the same time, we have to be ready (and honestly thankful) for the sovereign hand of our Abba Father working in our lives and deciding what is best for us and Him, no matter what we may think we want. That's the part that takes work I think. I think it goes something like this:

"Dear Lord Jesus, you know how desperately I want to be a mother. You know how I don't go one day without grieving the fact that I am not yet pregnant, and don't even know if I ever will be. Please Jesus, if it is what you would want me and Narasimha to have for our family, please give us a healthy baby to love and call our own. And if the answer is no, or wait, please give us the grace to thank you for it. May You be glorified in all we say and do."

The point: As a Christian, are you giving prayer the proper and Biblical place in your life? I know I'm not. I think we should all purpose (word implies active vs. passive) to give God the honor He deserves in this often-overlooked area of our lives. I know looking up and meditating on these verses was sure a blessing to me today - I hope reading them did the same for you. If you have any other thoughts, please feel free to add to this list.

Bump, Set, SPIKE!

Last night we got to go to a volleyball game that was here in M-town. I haven't been to a volleyball game in a few years and it was fun. Both the teams were good - although I thought one was decidedly better than the other (and they were the team that won - which isn't always the case). I get to be a volunteer helper with a high school girls' volleyball team for our church, and practice starts Monday, so it was fun to get my head back in the game. Volleyball is one of my most favorite things - from about the first time I played, I was in love. I was never really all that good - I would say I was decent, and maybe on my best day I might have been good, but from an analytical standpoint, I can't get enough. I like watching the technical skills - floor position and hitting approach, etc. One day I will be a coach of my own team - that has been my dream for some time now. And I am really looking forward to this winter just to get back in the game.

My Hubby, My Hero :)

Narasimha found out this morning that he passed his Internal Medicine boards that he took at the end of August - yeah! He studied a lot and looks like it was enough. So he is done with that until his next test in 2017 (10 years) but he does have his Psych boards coming up in November 07 and then again sometime in March 08, so please pray for his perseverance and my patience with his schedule. These tests sort-of signify the end of residency - when you graduate (he did in June) you are board eligible - now he is board certified, which is as good as it gets in any one specialty.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

We have some exciting news about our new house - our fence is finally done! Ever since we moved from I-town - and in reality even when we were in I-town due to the size of the yard - we have been looking forward to a big, fenced yard for our dogs - "the boys." And now Bella too I guess (our new little dog). So we are excited to have the fence finally finished - our lot is over an acre so the fenced part is probably about half of that? I don't know, but it is nice. It has been raining a lot around here, so not a lot of time to enjoy it yet, but the weather is supposed to be great tomorrow, and was nicer today than it has been. Just one step closer to feeling at home here. (I wanted to put a few pics but living in the boonies we no longer have fast internet so that will have to wait).

Introduction

Over the course of the last few years, our lives have changed in ways I never would have imagined. We got married a few years ago, which has been wonderful. I always knew I wanted to get married, and it has been all and more than I ever dreamed it would be. I married a man with demographics different from my own, but all of those differences have made for surprises and excitement that I am so thankful to have in my life. I love the country/culture he came from and I know that without him in my life I wouldn't have a chance to experience both of those things in the way that I have been able to with him. Some of the life changes that have been most difficult to overcome have been presented to us in the last two years.

Moving
We knew from the time we got married that there was a good chance that we probably wouldn't be able to stay in I-town forever. My husband, as a foreign national, has visa requirements from the US Government that he has to fulfill (his being married to me - a US citizen - does not remove the requirements). One of these requirements was to return to his home country once his training was finished in I-town. We went back and forth with this, but decided at this time in our lives it would be easier to stay in the States, so he applied for a waiver to get out of moving back to India. His waiver was granted, but the terms of the waiver say that he has to work in an "underserved" area for 3 years. I-town does not count as underserved, but M-town does. So he accepted a job in M-town and we moved here.

M-town has been an adjustment. Narasimha loves his job and his coworkers. Everyone in the community has been wonderful and always very nice. For those who are from Iowa know that I-town has much more to do, but we don't "do" very much so we don't really even miss that aspect all that much. As far as that goes, our biggest disappointment is now that the closest Indian restaurant is now about an hour away, instead of 5 minutes.

We are, however, mourning the loss of a few things. First: people. We miss our friends very much. We have started to make new and very nice friends in M-town, but we still miss the people who became like our family while we were in I-town. Second: church. We really really miss our church (and of course many of the people we knew from church). This is the place where I, for the first time in my life, started to really grow as a Christian and realize what the process of sanctification entails. This is also the place where Narasimha came to Christ, obeyed by following in believers' baptism, and also grew as a Christian man from a primarily Hindu background. We also got married and celebrated our first 3 anniversaries while at this church. The people at this church also loved and supported us through the other change in our lives that I was going to mention...

Infertility
We have known now for over a year that we are going to have a more difficult time than most couples do trying to get pregnant, and that is if it ever happens. We have wanted to get pregnant for even longer than that. It has been at times a rough road, but we have learned a lot, and I believe that we are closer now as a couple than we ever would have been without this trial. God is good and has shown us so much.

I am going to add something to the end of this post that I wrote a few days after my first Mother's Day as one half of a "primary infertile" couple (what the medical community calls people who can't conceive and never have or never have been able to). Some of my feelings may have changed slightly since May, but there have been no major changes to our family status/planning since then (pregnancy, adoption, foster care, etc).

Here goes:

Mother's Day 2007 came and went as we appreciated our mothers - their love, their sacrifices, their friendship. I personally had been inwardly dreading Mother's Day for a few weeks before - nothing too averse, just a yucky feeling in the bottom of my stomach as it got closer and closer. I never really even thought much about it (my aversion, that is), but the thing I did know was that I didn't really want to go to church that morning, especially since I knew I'd be going alone - Narasimha had to work. For those who don't know, Narasimha and I have been trying to conceive for about a year now, with no success. What an interesting, and almost dehumanizing, problem. Something that you always imagine is supposed to come so naturally. Our doctor told us (and I have read) how really scientific and impossible the miracle of life is to begin. But then you hear of drunk teenagers losing their virginity and winding up with pregnant with twins, and you think, now how was that scientific? Narasimha and I have definitely done our grieving, as at this point we both feel a very real sense of loss, although the way we feel continues to evolve. There was the denial, the anger (which, in our case came more as a sense of judgment on those who can have children - those who in our eyes aren't nearly as qualified for parenting as we could be), and a whole range of other thoughts and emotions. I have cried more tears and felt more alone, and more sorry for myself, than I ever have before over any one issue. Parenthood is something I have been dreaming of my whole life. Some little girls dream of their wedding, or their prince in shining armor (I had/have both of these, and they were/are great, but those were never the things I dreamed about). I dreamed about being a Mommy, for about as long as I can remember. I dream(ed) about spending my days answering silly questions, and cleaning applesauce out of someone's hair, and passing my idiosyncrasies on to another little person (and there are lots, as everyone who knows me well, knows :). But now all this is passed. I can't say that I am not still sad - I am. With any great tragedy (and I don't want to claim a catastrophic-level tragedy, but for those who can imagine, or for those of us who have been here, this situation does seem and feel very personally "tragic" on many levels) there is a lesson to be learned. I would like to share some of what I have learned.

First, I serve a great God, who loves me, and Narasimha, very much. There is much evidence of this in our lives, every single day.

Second, one of the attributes of this God that I have come to appreciate so much is His supreme sovereignty in my life. Part of getting over the anger/judgment I explained above was realizing and meditating on this specific attribute. God promises us in Isaiah 55:8-9: "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Just because I don't "get" something, or things don't make sense to me, that's ok, they don't have to. If I trust God, and I do, then I can trust that He knows what is best for me, and ultimately what is necessary for His glory to be worked through my life.

Third, God has a plan for me, and for us as a couple. We believe that this plan involves children. The reason we wanted to have children is because we want them - we love each other and I think that children are sort of a natural progression of the love/marriage/family thing that we do (we in a universal/cultural sense). We also want to have children because we believe that in that way we would be serving/submitting to God's plan in our lives as we would do our best to raise these little people to fear and love the Lord as we do, and that they would also be evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in other aspects of our lives. Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Our every desire would be to raise our children to be lovers and followers of Jesus, as we both very much are. We have talked about the "how" of raising our children. Things we do and don't think are acceptable, traditions we want to start/keep, and the way we want to incorporate God into our lives as a family, among, of course, many many other things. God has really showed us a need, and laid on our hearts, a burden for children who aren't ours in a biological sense. We have looked into both adoption and foster care, and at this point we believe that even if we are able to eventually conceive, we will still pursue one or both of these things sometime in the future. We haven't done much about either at this point, as we are still strictly waiting on God, but we have so much love to give and so many resources to share, and we want to do all we can with all the blessings God has given us.

Fourth, we believe that God is using this in our lives. There are many ways this is being carried out. We feel he is using this to stretch/grow us into the kind of people who trust completely on Him. This is not easy, as by our nature we are generally prideful and always attempting to be self-sufficient people. The verses II Corinthians 12:9-10 have been so encouraging to me: "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." How peaceful to know that when I give up on my own strength, Christ will take over and I will have His perfect strength operating in my life, rather than whatever the best is that I can do myself (which, as I have found by experience, is nothing compared to what Christ can and will do for me if I will just let Him).

We also feel that He is testing our reliance on His perfect provision, and our patience to wait upon His timing. This has manifested itself partly in our rejection of medical interventions. We have been offered different fertility-assistance measures - IVF, IUI, etc. I won't go into details here (but would be happy to answer questions for those who are interested) but there are things that the medical community can do to help people conceive (and with our situation, these things would likely, according to medicine, work). To clarify, we don't have a problem with either of these procedures, on a fundamental level (as we do have a problem with abortion on any level). There are ways to do either of these medical interventions without compromising human/embryonic life, although doing so with that level of integrity will often increase the end price (financially and even physically) to become pregnant. We believe that the way we could best honor God right now in our lives and situation, and show our trust/faith in His ability to do as much and in reality much more than the science of fertility medicine, is to wait on His perfect timing. Isaiah 40:31 says "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." God can, and has, and will continue to give us the strength we need to wait on His timing. So we have decided to not take this route of medical intervention, and never say never, but we don't believe this will ever be something we will consider.

Finally, not lastly, but the last I will talk about here, is how little my life is about me. God did not create me that I might be happy or be fulfilled. God created me for His pleasure. I am learning to forget about my perceived "rights." I don't have any - I don't have the right to be happy, or the right to get my own way, or in this case the right to bear a child. What I do deserve for who I am (a sinner) is separation from God forever, as a result of my sin. God has given me eternal life, since I believe in Jesus and that Jesus is who the Bible says He is and that He did what the Bible said He did. And I do believe that God gives us so many blessings each day, even though I don't deserve them (I personally have countless blessings in my life). But God doesn't have to do anything, and He certainly doesn't have to entertain my notions of what I think would be best in my life. God will do with my life what He deems best for His Kingdom and the furtherance of His gospel, and I am learning to be not only okay with that, but be thankful for being a part, even in my suffering, of His plan. The fact that He has chosen to use me in my brokenness is a blessing in my life. In Philippians 1:12-13, the Apostle Paul is talking about his own personal hardships (and any of us who think we have life rough could probably look as Paul's life and realize our problems pale in comparison) and he says: "But I want you to know, brothers, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel...my chains are in Christ." He means that his suffering, no matter how bad, has been for the good of Christ. I believe the same applies to my life.

So back to Mother's Day. I did go to church that morning (alone). Church was fine - I got a sympathetic but encouraging card from a special friend, and another close friend gave me a carnation that was intended for mothers of the church as a gift during the service that morning (and I got a few hugs :). I was fighting back tears during the "Mother's Day" part of the service, but it was brief, and I was okay. When the service was finished, I chatted with friends and then took off for home to see my hubby. The radio station we listen to had a beautiful CD playing (they don't broadcast live during Sunday morning), and it was popular hymns played by piano alone. I really love music, and if one thing is able to evoke my emotions, music is it. The song "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" came on, and that was it, I bawled all the way home. I don't know what it was about that song that got me going. I know it from singing it in church over the years, but it has never been my favorite (How Great Thou Art is probably my personal favorite since I was very young). But at that moment, it really touched my heart. That evening we went to the PM Service, and it was a special Mother's Day music selection night. The mothers who were there got to choose the songs we sang. We sang a few of other people's requests, and I flipped through the book to find Come Thou Fount. I found it, but decided against raising my hand, as I am really not a mother yet. You won't believe it, but someone sitting behind me chose that very song as the next one. Out of over 800 songs in that book, God knew how to speak to me in that moment. I again was fighting back tears as we sang that song, but I just had a peace that no matter what, it was all going to be okay. I really knew God cares for my sadness. As I Peter 5:6-7 says: "Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." I called the radio station to find out what that CD was, and went out a few days later and bought it as my very first Mother's Day gift, from me and from God. By the way, I highly recommend it - it is called the Living Room Sessions by Chris Rice. I have listened to it almost every day since, and I still tear up every time.

If you have read this far, thank-you. You have just read into some of the deepest feelings of my heart. This has been tough for us as a couple, but we are so thankful for everything in our lives, including this "speed-bump" for our plans for our family. Please feel free to share an insight if you have one, even if you disagree with something I said. May God be glorified in all that I say and do.

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Come, Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace.
Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer; Hither by Thy help I come.
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger Wand'ring from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy grace, Lord, like a fetter, Bind my wand'ring heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.

This hymn was written in the mid-1700's by a man named Robert Robinson. The words of especially the 1st and 3rd verses remind me just how much I need to, during this time and trial in my life, by God's grace alone remove myself from the equation and focus my full attention on God's love and mercy.