Introduction

Over the course of the last few years, our lives have changed in ways I never would have imagined. We got married a few years ago, which has been wonderful. I always knew I wanted to get married, and it has been all and more than I ever dreamed it would be. I married a man with demographics different from my own, but all of those differences have made for surprises and excitement that I am so thankful to have in my life. I love the country/culture he came from and I know that without him in my life I wouldn't have a chance to experience both of those things in the way that I have been able to with him. Some of the life changes that have been most difficult to overcome have been presented to us in the last two years.

Moving
We knew from the time we got married that there was a good chance that we probably wouldn't be able to stay in I-town forever. My husband, as a foreign national, has visa requirements from the US Government that he has to fulfill (his being married to me - a US citizen - does not remove the requirements). One of these requirements was to return to his home country once his training was finished in I-town. We went back and forth with this, but decided at this time in our lives it would be easier to stay in the States, so he applied for a waiver to get out of moving back to India. His waiver was granted, but the terms of the waiver say that he has to work in an "underserved" area for 3 years. I-town does not count as underserved, but M-town does. So he accepted a job in M-town and we moved here.

M-town has been an adjustment. Narasimha loves his job and his coworkers. Everyone in the community has been wonderful and always very nice. For those who are from Iowa know that I-town has much more to do, but we don't "do" very much so we don't really even miss that aspect all that much. As far as that goes, our biggest disappointment is now that the closest Indian restaurant is now about an hour away, instead of 5 minutes.

We are, however, mourning the loss of a few things. First: people. We miss our friends very much. We have started to make new and very nice friends in M-town, but we still miss the people who became like our family while we were in I-town. Second: church. We really really miss our church (and of course many of the people we knew from church). This is the place where I, for the first time in my life, started to really grow as a Christian and realize what the process of sanctification entails. This is also the place where Narasimha came to Christ, obeyed by following in believers' baptism, and also grew as a Christian man from a primarily Hindu background. We also got married and celebrated our first 3 anniversaries while at this church. The people at this church also loved and supported us through the other change in our lives that I was going to mention...

Infertility
We have known now for over a year that we are going to have a more difficult time than most couples do trying to get pregnant, and that is if it ever happens. We have wanted to get pregnant for even longer than that. It has been at times a rough road, but we have learned a lot, and I believe that we are closer now as a couple than we ever would have been without this trial. God is good and has shown us so much.

I am going to add something to the end of this post that I wrote a few days after my first Mother's Day as one half of a "primary infertile" couple (what the medical community calls people who can't conceive and never have or never have been able to). Some of my feelings may have changed slightly since May, but there have been no major changes to our family status/planning since then (pregnancy, adoption, foster care, etc).

Here goes:

Mother's Day 2007 came and went as we appreciated our mothers - their love, their sacrifices, their friendship. I personally had been inwardly dreading Mother's Day for a few weeks before - nothing too averse, just a yucky feeling in the bottom of my stomach as it got closer and closer. I never really even thought much about it (my aversion, that is), but the thing I did know was that I didn't really want to go to church that morning, especially since I knew I'd be going alone - Narasimha had to work. For those who don't know, Narasimha and I have been trying to conceive for about a year now, with no success. What an interesting, and almost dehumanizing, problem. Something that you always imagine is supposed to come so naturally. Our doctor told us (and I have read) how really scientific and impossible the miracle of life is to begin. But then you hear of drunk teenagers losing their virginity and winding up with pregnant with twins, and you think, now how was that scientific? Narasimha and I have definitely done our grieving, as at this point we both feel a very real sense of loss, although the way we feel continues to evolve. There was the denial, the anger (which, in our case came more as a sense of judgment on those who can have children - those who in our eyes aren't nearly as qualified for parenting as we could be), and a whole range of other thoughts and emotions. I have cried more tears and felt more alone, and more sorry for myself, than I ever have before over any one issue. Parenthood is something I have been dreaming of my whole life. Some little girls dream of their wedding, or their prince in shining armor (I had/have both of these, and they were/are great, but those were never the things I dreamed about). I dreamed about being a Mommy, for about as long as I can remember. I dream(ed) about spending my days answering silly questions, and cleaning applesauce out of someone's hair, and passing my idiosyncrasies on to another little person (and there are lots, as everyone who knows me well, knows :). But now all this is passed. I can't say that I am not still sad - I am. With any great tragedy (and I don't want to claim a catastrophic-level tragedy, but for those who can imagine, or for those of us who have been here, this situation does seem and feel very personally "tragic" on many levels) there is a lesson to be learned. I would like to share some of what I have learned.

First, I serve a great God, who loves me, and Narasimha, very much. There is much evidence of this in our lives, every single day.

Second, one of the attributes of this God that I have come to appreciate so much is His supreme sovereignty in my life. Part of getting over the anger/judgment I explained above was realizing and meditating on this specific attribute. God promises us in Isaiah 55:8-9: "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Just because I don't "get" something, or things don't make sense to me, that's ok, they don't have to. If I trust God, and I do, then I can trust that He knows what is best for me, and ultimately what is necessary for His glory to be worked through my life.

Third, God has a plan for me, and for us as a couple. We believe that this plan involves children. The reason we wanted to have children is because we want them - we love each other and I think that children are sort of a natural progression of the love/marriage/family thing that we do (we in a universal/cultural sense). We also want to have children because we believe that in that way we would be serving/submitting to God's plan in our lives as we would do our best to raise these little people to fear and love the Lord as we do, and that they would also be evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in other aspects of our lives. Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Our every desire would be to raise our children to be lovers and followers of Jesus, as we both very much are. We have talked about the "how" of raising our children. Things we do and don't think are acceptable, traditions we want to start/keep, and the way we want to incorporate God into our lives as a family, among, of course, many many other things. God has really showed us a need, and laid on our hearts, a burden for children who aren't ours in a biological sense. We have looked into both adoption and foster care, and at this point we believe that even if we are able to eventually conceive, we will still pursue one or both of these things sometime in the future. We haven't done much about either at this point, as we are still strictly waiting on God, but we have so much love to give and so many resources to share, and we want to do all we can with all the blessings God has given us.

Fourth, we believe that God is using this in our lives. There are many ways this is being carried out. We feel he is using this to stretch/grow us into the kind of people who trust completely on Him. This is not easy, as by our nature we are generally prideful and always attempting to be self-sufficient people. The verses II Corinthians 12:9-10 have been so encouraging to me: "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." How peaceful to know that when I give up on my own strength, Christ will take over and I will have His perfect strength operating in my life, rather than whatever the best is that I can do myself (which, as I have found by experience, is nothing compared to what Christ can and will do for me if I will just let Him).

We also feel that He is testing our reliance on His perfect provision, and our patience to wait upon His timing. This has manifested itself partly in our rejection of medical interventions. We have been offered different fertility-assistance measures - IVF, IUI, etc. I won't go into details here (but would be happy to answer questions for those who are interested) but there are things that the medical community can do to help people conceive (and with our situation, these things would likely, according to medicine, work). To clarify, we don't have a problem with either of these procedures, on a fundamental level (as we do have a problem with abortion on any level). There are ways to do either of these medical interventions without compromising human/embryonic life, although doing so with that level of integrity will often increase the end price (financially and even physically) to become pregnant. We believe that the way we could best honor God right now in our lives and situation, and show our trust/faith in His ability to do as much and in reality much more than the science of fertility medicine, is to wait on His perfect timing. Isaiah 40:31 says "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." God can, and has, and will continue to give us the strength we need to wait on His timing. So we have decided to not take this route of medical intervention, and never say never, but we don't believe this will ever be something we will consider.

Finally, not lastly, but the last I will talk about here, is how little my life is about me. God did not create me that I might be happy or be fulfilled. God created me for His pleasure. I am learning to forget about my perceived "rights." I don't have any - I don't have the right to be happy, or the right to get my own way, or in this case the right to bear a child. What I do deserve for who I am (a sinner) is separation from God forever, as a result of my sin. God has given me eternal life, since I believe in Jesus and that Jesus is who the Bible says He is and that He did what the Bible said He did. And I do believe that God gives us so many blessings each day, even though I don't deserve them (I personally have countless blessings in my life). But God doesn't have to do anything, and He certainly doesn't have to entertain my notions of what I think would be best in my life. God will do with my life what He deems best for His Kingdom and the furtherance of His gospel, and I am learning to be not only okay with that, but be thankful for being a part, even in my suffering, of His plan. The fact that He has chosen to use me in my brokenness is a blessing in my life. In Philippians 1:12-13, the Apostle Paul is talking about his own personal hardships (and any of us who think we have life rough could probably look as Paul's life and realize our problems pale in comparison) and he says: "But I want you to know, brothers, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel...my chains are in Christ." He means that his suffering, no matter how bad, has been for the good of Christ. I believe the same applies to my life.

So back to Mother's Day. I did go to church that morning (alone). Church was fine - I got a sympathetic but encouraging card from a special friend, and another close friend gave me a carnation that was intended for mothers of the church as a gift during the service that morning (and I got a few hugs :). I was fighting back tears during the "Mother's Day" part of the service, but it was brief, and I was okay. When the service was finished, I chatted with friends and then took off for home to see my hubby. The radio station we listen to had a beautiful CD playing (they don't broadcast live during Sunday morning), and it was popular hymns played by piano alone. I really love music, and if one thing is able to evoke my emotions, music is it. The song "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" came on, and that was it, I bawled all the way home. I don't know what it was about that song that got me going. I know it from singing it in church over the years, but it has never been my favorite (How Great Thou Art is probably my personal favorite since I was very young). But at that moment, it really touched my heart. That evening we went to the PM Service, and it was a special Mother's Day music selection night. The mothers who were there got to choose the songs we sang. We sang a few of other people's requests, and I flipped through the book to find Come Thou Fount. I found it, but decided against raising my hand, as I am really not a mother yet. You won't believe it, but someone sitting behind me chose that very song as the next one. Out of over 800 songs in that book, God knew how to speak to me in that moment. I again was fighting back tears as we sang that song, but I just had a peace that no matter what, it was all going to be okay. I really knew God cares for my sadness. As I Peter 5:6-7 says: "Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." I called the radio station to find out what that CD was, and went out a few days later and bought it as my very first Mother's Day gift, from me and from God. By the way, I highly recommend it - it is called the Living Room Sessions by Chris Rice. I have listened to it almost every day since, and I still tear up every time.

If you have read this far, thank-you. You have just read into some of the deepest feelings of my heart. This has been tough for us as a couple, but we are so thankful for everything in our lives, including this "speed-bump" for our plans for our family. Please feel free to share an insight if you have one, even if you disagree with something I said. May God be glorified in all that I say and do.

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Come, Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace.
Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer; Hither by Thy help I come.
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger Wand'ring from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy grace, Lord, like a fetter, Bind my wand'ring heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.

This hymn was written in the mid-1700's by a man named Robert Robinson. The words of especially the 1st and 3rd verses remind me just how much I need to, during this time and trial in my life, by God's grace alone remove myself from the equation and focus my full attention on God's love and mercy.