I would like to share something I am thankful for this year. Here goes...
I am thankful for our infertility. Don't get me wrong - I am still sad, and I still want a baby as much as ever (though I am working on being ok with the very real possibility that children might not be in my future), but I am working on having a thankful heart for this and everything else I have in life, whether it feels "good" or "bad."
God loves me and promises to give me His best for me. Our infertility is a gift from God. It's tough to see it, and especially to feel it, but it is theologically true. Infertility is God's best for my life. It is a blessing. It is being used to grow me into the person God wants me to be. It enables me to serve in the areas God wants me to serve. It gives me compassion to minister to those who need compassion as only I, in my unique circumstances, can give.
It is not easy, trust me, and just this last week I have had to deal with some painful information regarding this whole infertility journey. But it's ok. And not only is it ok - it's what's best for me. And, it's hard for me to be thankful for this. But I am working on thinking this way all the time. It's a work in progress.
Thanksgiving Day was spent with my family. We were able to take one of our youth group girls with us to spend the day, and it was fun to have her around and spend time with her.
Friday we got up very early (1:30 AM) and drove to Des Moines to do Black Friday shopping. We were at the mall by 3:30, and we didn't get home until almost 6 PM. Then to dinner with friends.
It was a good weekend, fun with family and friends. Now back to the grind and getting ready for this holiday season and what's sure to be a very busy winter. Just looking at my calendar for the next few months makes my head spin.
Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving with family and friends, and hope you were able to take some time to reflect on the blessings God has given you - whether obvious or "hidden."
Thank you, Jesus, for "working all things together for good." (Romans 8:28)
Showing posts with label Scripture. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scripture. Show all posts
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Well, Now What?
America has spoken, and we have elected a new President. Am I worried? When I rely on my human understanding of the situation, and what this could mean for our country's policies and rules on a moral level, the answer is definitely yes. Especially when you consider that he has so much support from congress - I think there is a historic number of liberals in Washington, starting in January. Yikes! But, God says that He knows what is going on. Isaiah 55:8-9 says "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." He has a plan, and trust me, I really don't see how He's going to pull this one off, but it's ok. I don't need to. He doesn't need my help. I did what I needed to do yesterday at the polls, and He knows my heart. For reasons only God probably understands at this time we as Christians don't seem to have much leverage in government these days (Democrats probably think they understand, but I find it very unlikely that they know God's reason for their having taken overwhelming control in Washington).
So, what now? That is definitely the question of the hour. I have a few points, but I certainly don't have all the answers:
1. Pray. America has never needed it more. Pray that our leaders' attention stays on things temporal and doesn't drift into the moral. Let them spend all our money if that's what they have to do (it hurts to say that). I am praying that their left-wing moral issues and agenda don't infiltrate our nation and take over. Abortion as a means of birth control, redefining marriage, you get the idea.
2. Get ready. We are in the end times. We all know it. The prophesies have been fulfilled. Jesus is coming back someday - and I am not kidding when I say that after last night, it looks like sooner rather than later.
3. Respect your President. Didn't vote for him/don't like him? Doesn't matter. He's your leader, whether you like it or not. And God demands that you give your respect to him. What does this mean when you disagree with what he's doing as leader? You may operate your voice in government as much as you are legally allowed, when done in respect. Call your representative. Write letters. Support good causes. You may not: talk bad or disrespectfully about President Obama. Attack him, or his family, on a personal level. The lines are blurry here. When necessary: attack the policies, not the people. Just remember: America voted, but ultimately God placed this man in the position of authority in our country. You have an amazing opportunity to be a witness to those around you when you deal God's way with (good, bad, other) authority in your life.
2 Timothy 2:13-17 Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake, whether to the king as supreme, or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men - as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bondservants of God. Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.
There is a lot more here than meets the eye if you are reading the passage for the first time, but no matter what you can get the general idea that God demands respect from us for our earthly leaders.
4. Respect God more. We are to respect our human authority, but always over that is our respect for God. If our government tells us to do (or allows us to do) something that is in contrast to the Word of God, we are to obey God. There are more ways that this could be manifested than any of us can ever imagine. Be ready to take action. And know God's Word well enough that you have discernment when the time comes.
5. Be thankful. This is monumental in America's history. I personally am thrilled that he got elected for one reason: he's black. Let me explain. I didn't vote for him, and I would never let someone's skin color influence my vote. But, now that he's in office (or will be in a few months), I am thankful that America has risen above its racist roots. Even in southern states, which is a little more surprising based on history, Obama got a decent share of the vote. That is big news, and it is important. I believe God is color-blind (remember the song "red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight?") and we are sending a powerful message to the rest of the world, and to those who are still racist in our own country, that we have moved past that. We are better than that. I am thankful. There is much, MUCH more to be thankful for than just the issue of race. When I try, I can think of lots of things. That's just the only one I'm going to talk about here.
What do you think? Have anything to add? This certainly isn't exhaustive, but it's a start. I value your opinion.
So, what now? That is definitely the question of the hour. I have a few points, but I certainly don't have all the answers:
1. Pray. America has never needed it more. Pray that our leaders' attention stays on things temporal and doesn't drift into the moral. Let them spend all our money if that's what they have to do (it hurts to say that). I am praying that their left-wing moral issues and agenda don't infiltrate our nation and take over. Abortion as a means of birth control, redefining marriage, you get the idea.
2. Get ready. We are in the end times. We all know it. The prophesies have been fulfilled. Jesus is coming back someday - and I am not kidding when I say that after last night, it looks like sooner rather than later.
3. Respect your President. Didn't vote for him/don't like him? Doesn't matter. He's your leader, whether you like it or not. And God demands that you give your respect to him. What does this mean when you disagree with what he's doing as leader? You may operate your voice in government as much as you are legally allowed, when done in respect. Call your representative. Write letters. Support good causes. You may not: talk bad or disrespectfully about President Obama. Attack him, or his family, on a personal level. The lines are blurry here. When necessary: attack the policies, not the people. Just remember: America voted, but ultimately God placed this man in the position of authority in our country. You have an amazing opportunity to be a witness to those around you when you deal God's way with (good, bad, other) authority in your life.
2 Timothy 2:13-17 Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake, whether to the king as supreme, or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men - as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bondservants of God. Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.
There is a lot more here than meets the eye if you are reading the passage for the first time, but no matter what you can get the general idea that God demands respect from us for our earthly leaders.
4. Respect God more. We are to respect our human authority, but always over that is our respect for God. If our government tells us to do (or allows us to do) something that is in contrast to the Word of God, we are to obey God. There are more ways that this could be manifested than any of us can ever imagine. Be ready to take action. And know God's Word well enough that you have discernment when the time comes.
5. Be thankful. This is monumental in America's history. I personally am thrilled that he got elected for one reason: he's black. Let me explain. I didn't vote for him, and I would never let someone's skin color influence my vote. But, now that he's in office (or will be in a few months), I am thankful that America has risen above its racist roots. Even in southern states, which is a little more surprising based on history, Obama got a decent share of the vote. That is big news, and it is important. I believe God is color-blind (remember the song "red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight?") and we are sending a powerful message to the rest of the world, and to those who are still racist in our own country, that we have moved past that. We are better than that. I am thankful. There is much, MUCH more to be thankful for than just the issue of race. When I try, I can think of lots of things. That's just the only one I'm going to talk about here.
What do you think? Have anything to add? This certainly isn't exhaustive, but it's a start. I value your opinion.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Running Woes
I am writing today to talk about something that has become a big part of our life in recent months. And by a big part, I mean big in the consumption of our time and energy. We have always liked to run. There have been different times in our marriage where running consistently wasn't an option, for whatever reason. But, back around the beginning of 2008 we decided that we were going to take our physical fitness more seriously. So we joined the gym, and made a work-out plan. We ran a 20K (12.4 miles) back in May, and really enjoyed it. We even walked away from it talking about how we could improve our running from that point. We were doing well, so we started a training program to run a marathon. The training was going well, so back in July, we registered to run a marathon (the earlier you decide and pay, the cheaper the race fee is). We continued to do well with our training until about a month or so ago.
At this point, we are supposed to be running almost 60 miles a week. We are not. Every week for about the last month, we have missed at least 1 run, and I can feel it taking its toll on our training. I know we're in shape - last night we ran 15 miles at a good pace, and by the end I was tired and sore, but far from dying.
I did not consider what we would have to give up to run so much. First, I didn't consider the time. If each mile on average takes 10 minutes (it doesn't - we run closer to 8:30 pace, or try to - but for the sake of the simplicity of math involved) then to run 60 miles a week would take roughly 10 hours. And, there is travel time to the place we run, and time to warm up and stretch and cool down, etc. Also, by the time you finish running 15-22 miles (our long runs) you are too tired and sore to do anything else. Not to mention, the days are getting shorter and shorter, so trying to get the run done by sunset is also a challenge (and if you are running in the dark, you get to hear the critters in the bushes beside you, and you get to step on like a million frogs on the trail - EWW!).
We are also both experiencing aches and pains that sometimes feel like more than just aches and pains. Narasimha's knee (his ilio-tibial band, or ITB, to be exact) has given him problems. I have terrible hips, and they hurt almost constantly and pop like crazy. My ankles also get very sore. I must say though - my issues seem to get better as I am running longer. Narasimha's knees are pretty ok right now, but are a little flakier than my joints. I think much of our pain could be alleviated with some good cross-training, but we don't have the time or calories at the end of the day to devote to that, at this point.
I am also disappointed with myself in the way that in the grand scheme of things, running isn't that important in my life. Yet somehow through all this training, it has taken a front row seat to almost everything that I do consider more important than running.
The positives of running: I am in good shape - my resting heart rate is probably low to mid-40's. When I get to bed, I sleep like a rock. Running is our "family time" together, and in my mind, it's better than watching TV all the time (which we no longer have time for). You can eat anything and everything you want, and you're still hungry! :) And, thinking toward the future: Even though we don't plan on running another marathon anytime soon, we do plan to keep running a not insane amount, and we feel we're getting ourselves in a good habit of exercise to be a good example to our kids when we have them.
So, there's my sob story. The marathon is 2 weeks from tomorrow (Oct 19). If I live through it, I'll post pics. If you wonder why I never post (or do anything else) anymore, here's 99% of the reason. Any words of wisdom out there?
I Timothy 4:8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that is now and of that which is to come. NKJV
At this point, we are supposed to be running almost 60 miles a week. We are not. Every week for about the last month, we have missed at least 1 run, and I can feel it taking its toll on our training. I know we're in shape - last night we ran 15 miles at a good pace, and by the end I was tired and sore, but far from dying.
I did not consider what we would have to give up to run so much. First, I didn't consider the time. If each mile on average takes 10 minutes (it doesn't - we run closer to 8:30 pace, or try to - but for the sake of the simplicity of math involved) then to run 60 miles a week would take roughly 10 hours. And, there is travel time to the place we run, and time to warm up and stretch and cool down, etc. Also, by the time you finish running 15-22 miles (our long runs) you are too tired and sore to do anything else. Not to mention, the days are getting shorter and shorter, so trying to get the run done by sunset is also a challenge (and if you are running in the dark, you get to hear the critters in the bushes beside you, and you get to step on like a million frogs on the trail - EWW!).
We are also both experiencing aches and pains that sometimes feel like more than just aches and pains. Narasimha's knee (his ilio-tibial band, or ITB, to be exact) has given him problems. I have terrible hips, and they hurt almost constantly and pop like crazy. My ankles also get very sore. I must say though - my issues seem to get better as I am running longer. Narasimha's knees are pretty ok right now, but are a little flakier than my joints. I think much of our pain could be alleviated with some good cross-training, but we don't have the time or calories at the end of the day to devote to that, at this point.
I am also disappointed with myself in the way that in the grand scheme of things, running isn't that important in my life. Yet somehow through all this training, it has taken a front row seat to almost everything that I do consider more important than running.
The positives of running: I am in good shape - my resting heart rate is probably low to mid-40's. When I get to bed, I sleep like a rock. Running is our "family time" together, and in my mind, it's better than watching TV all the time (which we no longer have time for). You can eat anything and everything you want, and you're still hungry! :) And, thinking toward the future: Even though we don't plan on running another marathon anytime soon, we do plan to keep running a not insane amount, and we feel we're getting ourselves in a good habit of exercise to be a good example to our kids when we have them.
So, there's my sob story. The marathon is 2 weeks from tomorrow (Oct 19). If I live through it, I'll post pics. If you wonder why I never post (or do anything else) anymore, here's 99% of the reason. Any words of wisdom out there?
I Timothy 4:8 For bodily exercise profits a little, but godliness is profitable for all things, having promise of the life that is now and of that which is to come. NKJV
Thursday, September 18, 2008
"Broken"
It's late, and I can't sleep. Last night we had a fairly grueling workout in training for our marathon (we ran 19 miles) so when we got home neither of us felt very good and decided to call it a night early. Well, after 2 hours of sleep I woke up hungry. I made it to the kitchen for a midnight snack (I don't think I've ever done that before) and hoped to fall back asleep for the rest of the night. No such luck. I've been lying there for an hour now, wide awake. And my mind has drifted to this post I've been meaning to write, which probably woke me up more. So, here I find myself in front of the computer at 1 AM (I will likely regret this timing tomorrow).
The history: I received an anonymous comment about a month ago on one of my posts from several months back. This particular comment happened to be about something that I haven't blogged about (and there's a reason for that, which I'll go into in a little bit) but is actually from real life. As I read the comment I was initially very shocked, and a little hurt and defensive, but decided that I wanted to say some things in return for what this person said to me. I also didn't want to respond right away because I wanted to pray about my words and make sure I was responding out of love, not pride. And, I really don't have an option but to put it here, as I really have no clue who said it, and since it came to me from the blogosphere, I guess that's where I get to deal with it. That also means that the opinion that some of you may have of me, especially if you know me in real life, may suffer. I guess this is where I get to put my pride on the shelf, and pray to be an instrument of Christ to clear this all up. This is some pretty heavy stuff - hold on to your seat. Here is the comment I received (direct quote, with some grammar fixes):
"Kristina-
It has been mentioned to me that in some circles you have referred to your future child as "broken."
After hearing that, I came here VERY judgmental but reading your blog I do not see any of that in your writing.
Perhaps you did not realize that your words offended others so but I just ask that when you are referring to your future child that may have a medical condition that you state it as so instead of calling the child "broken."
I can tell that you will love and care for any child that God blesses you with so please be respectful of how you are referring to that child before they arrive. Otherwise someday they may speak to someone who heard you refer to them otherwise and be hurt by those words.
Also, anyone who has a child with physical or mental impairments may be very offended by hearing you use those words in that context. To them, their children are perfect gifts from God. If God does not make mistakes then every child is born perfect and no child is ever "broken."
Take care and just remember that any child that you are blessed with will be a gift from God and you should begin acting that way now, not later."
Wow, that's a lot of information to take in in just a few sentences. I feel like I have to start by saying that I am very, very sorry for saying something that obviously hurt someone's feelings, and now that this is out there, has the potential to hurt the feelings of or offend more who may read this. Yes, it's true. I have called our future child "broken." If that offends you or hurts your feelings in any way, I am very sorry for saying something so insensitive and hurtful. Was what I said in bad taste? Obviously. Hurtful? Probably, maybe more to some than others. Meant to hurt anyone's feelings? Not in a million years. Please accept my most sincere apologies.
Now, with my honest apology on the table, I would like to talk a little bit about why I have said this, actually on more than one occasion.
First, I want to say that there is a reason that I have never used such a word in the writing on this blog. I have only ever said it when talking to people in real life. The reason for that is because obviously such a description of a human child could be hurtful and offensive, and when I said it in real life, I thought that I only said it around people who knew me well enough to know that 1. I was joking and 2. It wasn't a value statement about the child. Apparently I said it to someone who did not take it as one of those things, and who passed along to someone else my insensitive comment (or maybe was a person who heard me say it?). Joking/sarcasm in writing are hard to pick up, so unless it's very very obvious, I try to avoid doing that. Especially in the case of a blog, where you might not always personally know the people who may be reading what you write, and things said could be quite easily misunderstood.
Second, I would like to explain "broken" and what I think about that, and why I took the liberty of saying that. I said I was sorry for hurt feelings, and I meant it, but after much thought I do not retract my statement (though I will likely not use that word much from here on out to avoid misunderstandings such as the one that lead to the need for this post). Narasimha and I have talked a lot and prayed about the decision we made to accept, and even seek out, adopting a child with medical needs. This child, in a physical sense, will be "broken." In some sense, aren't we all broken? Back in the time of Adam and Eve in the beginning of Genesis, sin entered the world. From that point forward, no child was ever conceived who did not have sin and brokenness as a part of their genetic makeup. And no child was conceived before The Fall, so every single child in the history of the world that has ever been conceived has been broken. The only exception to this rule is Jesus Christ Himself, and that was because He does not have a human father. Jesus was fully human, which he got from Mary His mother, and also fully God, as we know He came from a virgin birth (thus not having a human father). This sin manifests itself in many ways, and we are all hopelessly broken. To clarify: I am not trying to say that the child, or any child who has physical problems from birth, has physical problems due to a specific sin they may have committed (though later in life, this is certainly possible), but simply that sickness and suffering are the result of the sinfulness of humanity. Before sin there was no suffering. As sin entered the world, so did every problem that humankind has ever had. I do not believe that this is coincidental. The child we will adopt will likely have (we don't know who we're adopting yet, so we don't actually know what the problem will be) a medical problem. If a child is born perfectly healthy, with no apparent medical issues, certainly it won't take long for the "brokenness" of the child to become obvious. The child who is healthy at birth could very easily become physically sick at some point, or could have mental or emotional shortcomings, or any combination of these or other problems. As much as we like to hold small babies and adore them and talk about how "perfect" they are, most of us will readily admit that really sooner rather than later that child's imperfections are bound to become obvious. Are they cute? Most of the time :) Loveable? Of course. Perfect? Unless you're holding Jesus II, which is Biblically impossible, no. I respectfully disagree that God creates any child to be perfect. Every child is always exactly what God wants them to be, of that I am absolutely sure and for that we can always rejoice, but by definition, they are not perfect and are not created to be.
And, more important in my mind than understanding and expecting "brokenness" is being able to truly embrace it and be thankful for it. I am 100% aware that I am broken, and I have absolutely full intentions of raising my children to know that they too are broken. No matter if I physically birth them or adopt them with medical needs, or adopt a child with no medical needs, etc. Without honestly admitting personal "brokenness" there is no need for a Savior. If I am fine, and good, all on my own, what need do I have for Jesus in my life? My absolute very most important job as a mommy is to incarnate, or put flesh on, or accurately represent Jesus to my children, with the hope and prayer that someday my children will be able to totally and fully trust and love Him as I am currently working towards in my own life. There is very real danger in allowing any child to believe for any time that they are perfect. From a parental perspective, if I allow my child to believe that I think they are perfect, and that I love them, they may start to believe that I love them because they are perfect. They will inevitably one day find out that they're not perfect, and might then question my love for them. They might also become dishonest with themselves about their own value as a person - resulting in either excessive pride and arrogance or self-hatred and shame. It is essential to my success as a parent that my children know that I love them not because of what they do, but because of who they are. And that their position in our family is always and forever and no matter what. That the love that I have for them is a kind of love that doesn't run out or have impossible conditions. And by loving that way, I will be able to show my child a glimpse of just how much his/her Heavenly Father loves him/her. Just as in a parental perspective, it is even more important that my child understand unconditional love to understand God's love from a Biblical perspective. As I learn to parent my child, my love, and my skills as mommy, will have shortcomings. Probably many of them. My humanity will show and my own imperfections and brokenness will become very obvious to my child. Where my love falls short, God's love takes over, and just like the energizer bunny, keeps going, and going, and going... And, although God hates sin, it does not surprise Him that we are sinful. He created each one of us, and also allows us to have our own free will. He doesn't like our sin, but He expects it, and even better yet, sin itself is essential to our needing His Son Jesus Christ. To give my child an accurate view of him/herself and an accurate view of God, and his/her place in the family of God, I find it impossible to give my child anything other than thankfulness for everything he/she has and is - whether the world would look at those things as a blessing or a curse. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." NKJV This is one of my favorite verses.
To understand all of this, for my child, will also hopefully serve as a lesson in the sovereignty of God. I would never not tell my child that he or she was adopted. I do not believe that an adoption is something to hide, but rather, a beautiful way God makes a family out of people who do not share the same genetic material. I will also not hide from my child or anyone else the fact that Narasimha and I felt burdened to adopt a child with medical needs. Our decision was not to be able to feel better about ourselves, and look down on a poor and pitiful child. For us, it is simply coming to the realization that neither of us would be passing on perfection that we don't have to a biological child if we were able to have one, and any biological child of ours could be compromised physically, mentally, emotionally just as could be any adopted child. If we're honest, both of our bodies are so broken that we can't even make a baby. For that we're also learning to not just tolerate, but actually be thankful for. In addition to that, we have the resources to be able to correct what may be physically wrong, and allow the child to live a healthy and productive life. Not because of anything we've done, but because of all of the ways God has blessed us. This information will all be available to our child, and he/she will likely come to the point where they know that it was actually because of their brokenness, in a sense, that we knew God had chosen him/her for our family. And we hope and pray that they can be thankful for being a part of our family (even if not until their teenage years are over :).
Another reason for my use of the word, and this isn't a great reason, but since I'm being as honest as I can here, I'm going to put it out there, is because this adoption is very scary to me at times. I think the unknown always has the potential to be scary - especially with something that's such a big deal. I have never really known anyone who had a really serious medical condition, especially so early in life. To think that a child that I will bring home, and fall quickly head-over-heels in love with will have to suffer, and that I will have to helplessly stand by and watch, already makes me very sad and nervous. I used to work in and around the operating room at the hospital I worked at. I remember vividly small kids being taken to surgery - taken from the safe arms of mommy and daddy and poked and prodded and whisked off into the world of the unknown - for them and their parents. Many of them cried and were very scared. And then, as they wake up from surgery, as the anesthesia is wearing off, they will cry again because they are confused and scared and physically hurting. Many of them are inconsolable, even when reunited with their parents. Though I believe the pain on both the part of the child and of Narasimha and I will be worth it, it will still be a tough situation. I tend to "joke" when I'm nervous or uncomfortable, and saying a word like "broken" for some reason takes a little of the weight and gravity of the situation away in my own mind. There is a chance that our child will need open-heart surgery. I know just enough about medicine, and Narasimha as a physician obviously knows a lot about medicine, that even though we trust God entirely with any situation, we still feel and will continue to feel scared and nervous and as the situation comes closer, and a whole host of other emotions as well.
Once again, if I have hurt your feelings by my unkind words, I am sorry. If you left the comment (for which I can truly say "thank-you" - not only for bringing it to my attention, but for giving me the opportunity to say the things I have said here, which I think are important) I hope I have cleared up what must have been going through your head.
Christian: What "brokenness" are you refusing to embrace and be thankful for in your own life, or in the life of someone close to you? What "brokenness" are you hiding from the world? How could you use that as a testimony for someone who needs to see Jesus' always unconditional saving love and grace?
If you're not a Christian - if you don't know what I am talking about in the paragraphs above - do the things I've talked about sound enticing to you? How would your life change if you knew that there was always someone who loves you, and who wants the best for you, even at your worst, most broken condition? How would you feel if you knew you could be honest with someone about all your secrets, all your baggage, and you would be loved and welcomed with open arms anyways? What would your life be like if you could lay all of you problems at the feet of Jesus by trusting in Him, and not only have a purpose and fulfillment in your time left on this earth, but also the guarantee of a mansion in heaven and a new life after death that is better than anything you'll ever get here? Questions: contact me at nkiowa@hotmail.com. Or, find a Bible, and start reading in the New Testament (Romans is a good place to start).
I hope I have accurately and selflessly become transparent enough to let you see my heart here. The perk of a blog, in my opinion, is to put yourself out there and be known. Especially to those who personally know me and read this, I hope you get a better view of not only who I am, but who Jesus Christ is making me in light of these life experiences. And, above all, I want to be an encouragement to anyone who may read this, and of course honor Jesus in my life and writing.
And to anyone - please always feel free to comment. I like getting feedback, even if you don't agree with what I say. I try always to respect the opinions of others (though as you can see here, I don't always agree), and will gladly welcome the chance to defend my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ. Even if sometimes it means I personally look like a fool in the process.
The history: I received an anonymous comment about a month ago on one of my posts from several months back. This particular comment happened to be about something that I haven't blogged about (and there's a reason for that, which I'll go into in a little bit) but is actually from real life. As I read the comment I was initially very shocked, and a little hurt and defensive, but decided that I wanted to say some things in return for what this person said to me. I also didn't want to respond right away because I wanted to pray about my words and make sure I was responding out of love, not pride. And, I really don't have an option but to put it here, as I really have no clue who said it, and since it came to me from the blogosphere, I guess that's where I get to deal with it. That also means that the opinion that some of you may have of me, especially if you know me in real life, may suffer. I guess this is where I get to put my pride on the shelf, and pray to be an instrument of Christ to clear this all up. This is some pretty heavy stuff - hold on to your seat. Here is the comment I received (direct quote, with some grammar fixes):
"Kristina-
It has been mentioned to me that in some circles you have referred to your future child as "broken."
After hearing that, I came here VERY judgmental but reading your blog I do not see any of that in your writing.
Perhaps you did not realize that your words offended others so but I just ask that when you are referring to your future child that may have a medical condition that you state it as so instead of calling the child "broken."
I can tell that you will love and care for any child that God blesses you with so please be respectful of how you are referring to that child before they arrive. Otherwise someday they may speak to someone who heard you refer to them otherwise and be hurt by those words.
Also, anyone who has a child with physical or mental impairments may be very offended by hearing you use those words in that context. To them, their children are perfect gifts from God. If God does not make mistakes then every child is born perfect and no child is ever "broken."
Take care and just remember that any child that you are blessed with will be a gift from God and you should begin acting that way now, not later."
Wow, that's a lot of information to take in in just a few sentences. I feel like I have to start by saying that I am very, very sorry for saying something that obviously hurt someone's feelings, and now that this is out there, has the potential to hurt the feelings of or offend more who may read this. Yes, it's true. I have called our future child "broken." If that offends you or hurts your feelings in any way, I am very sorry for saying something so insensitive and hurtful. Was what I said in bad taste? Obviously. Hurtful? Probably, maybe more to some than others. Meant to hurt anyone's feelings? Not in a million years. Please accept my most sincere apologies.
Now, with my honest apology on the table, I would like to talk a little bit about why I have said this, actually on more than one occasion.
First, I want to say that there is a reason that I have never used such a word in the writing on this blog. I have only ever said it when talking to people in real life. The reason for that is because obviously such a description of a human child could be hurtful and offensive, and when I said it in real life, I thought that I only said it around people who knew me well enough to know that 1. I was joking and 2. It wasn't a value statement about the child. Apparently I said it to someone who did not take it as one of those things, and who passed along to someone else my insensitive comment (or maybe was a person who heard me say it?). Joking/sarcasm in writing are hard to pick up, so unless it's very very obvious, I try to avoid doing that. Especially in the case of a blog, where you might not always personally know the people who may be reading what you write, and things said could be quite easily misunderstood.
Second, I would like to explain "broken" and what I think about that, and why I took the liberty of saying that. I said I was sorry for hurt feelings, and I meant it, but after much thought I do not retract my statement (though I will likely not use that word much from here on out to avoid misunderstandings such as the one that lead to the need for this post). Narasimha and I have talked a lot and prayed about the decision we made to accept, and even seek out, adopting a child with medical needs. This child, in a physical sense, will be "broken." In some sense, aren't we all broken? Back in the time of Adam and Eve in the beginning of Genesis, sin entered the world. From that point forward, no child was ever conceived who did not have sin and brokenness as a part of their genetic makeup. And no child was conceived before The Fall, so every single child in the history of the world that has ever been conceived has been broken. The only exception to this rule is Jesus Christ Himself, and that was because He does not have a human father. Jesus was fully human, which he got from Mary His mother, and also fully God, as we know He came from a virgin birth (thus not having a human father). This sin manifests itself in many ways, and we are all hopelessly broken. To clarify: I am not trying to say that the child, or any child who has physical problems from birth, has physical problems due to a specific sin they may have committed (though later in life, this is certainly possible), but simply that sickness and suffering are the result of the sinfulness of humanity. Before sin there was no suffering. As sin entered the world, so did every problem that humankind has ever had. I do not believe that this is coincidental. The child we will adopt will likely have (we don't know who we're adopting yet, so we don't actually know what the problem will be) a medical problem. If a child is born perfectly healthy, with no apparent medical issues, certainly it won't take long for the "brokenness" of the child to become obvious. The child who is healthy at birth could very easily become physically sick at some point, or could have mental or emotional shortcomings, or any combination of these or other problems. As much as we like to hold small babies and adore them and talk about how "perfect" they are, most of us will readily admit that really sooner rather than later that child's imperfections are bound to become obvious. Are they cute? Most of the time :) Loveable? Of course. Perfect? Unless you're holding Jesus II, which is Biblically impossible, no. I respectfully disagree that God creates any child to be perfect. Every child is always exactly what God wants them to be, of that I am absolutely sure and for that we can always rejoice, but by definition, they are not perfect and are not created to be.
And, more important in my mind than understanding and expecting "brokenness" is being able to truly embrace it and be thankful for it. I am 100% aware that I am broken, and I have absolutely full intentions of raising my children to know that they too are broken. No matter if I physically birth them or adopt them with medical needs, or adopt a child with no medical needs, etc. Without honestly admitting personal "brokenness" there is no need for a Savior. If I am fine, and good, all on my own, what need do I have for Jesus in my life? My absolute very most important job as a mommy is to incarnate, or put flesh on, or accurately represent Jesus to my children, with the hope and prayer that someday my children will be able to totally and fully trust and love Him as I am currently working towards in my own life. There is very real danger in allowing any child to believe for any time that they are perfect. From a parental perspective, if I allow my child to believe that I think they are perfect, and that I love them, they may start to believe that I love them because they are perfect. They will inevitably one day find out that they're not perfect, and might then question my love for them. They might also become dishonest with themselves about their own value as a person - resulting in either excessive pride and arrogance or self-hatred and shame. It is essential to my success as a parent that my children know that I love them not because of what they do, but because of who they are. And that their position in our family is always and forever and no matter what. That the love that I have for them is a kind of love that doesn't run out or have impossible conditions. And by loving that way, I will be able to show my child a glimpse of just how much his/her Heavenly Father loves him/her. Just as in a parental perspective, it is even more important that my child understand unconditional love to understand God's love from a Biblical perspective. As I learn to parent my child, my love, and my skills as mommy, will have shortcomings. Probably many of them. My humanity will show and my own imperfections and brokenness will become very obvious to my child. Where my love falls short, God's love takes over, and just like the energizer bunny, keeps going, and going, and going... And, although God hates sin, it does not surprise Him that we are sinful. He created each one of us, and also allows us to have our own free will. He doesn't like our sin, but He expects it, and even better yet, sin itself is essential to our needing His Son Jesus Christ. To give my child an accurate view of him/herself and an accurate view of God, and his/her place in the family of God, I find it impossible to give my child anything other than thankfulness for everything he/she has and is - whether the world would look at those things as a blessing or a curse. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." NKJV This is one of my favorite verses.
To understand all of this, for my child, will also hopefully serve as a lesson in the sovereignty of God. I would never not tell my child that he or she was adopted. I do not believe that an adoption is something to hide, but rather, a beautiful way God makes a family out of people who do not share the same genetic material. I will also not hide from my child or anyone else the fact that Narasimha and I felt burdened to adopt a child with medical needs. Our decision was not to be able to feel better about ourselves, and look down on a poor and pitiful child. For us, it is simply coming to the realization that neither of us would be passing on perfection that we don't have to a biological child if we were able to have one, and any biological child of ours could be compromised physically, mentally, emotionally just as could be any adopted child. If we're honest, both of our bodies are so broken that we can't even make a baby. For that we're also learning to not just tolerate, but actually be thankful for. In addition to that, we have the resources to be able to correct what may be physically wrong, and allow the child to live a healthy and productive life. Not because of anything we've done, but because of all of the ways God has blessed us. This information will all be available to our child, and he/she will likely come to the point where they know that it was actually because of their brokenness, in a sense, that we knew God had chosen him/her for our family. And we hope and pray that they can be thankful for being a part of our family (even if not until their teenage years are over :).
Another reason for my use of the word, and this isn't a great reason, but since I'm being as honest as I can here, I'm going to put it out there, is because this adoption is very scary to me at times. I think the unknown always has the potential to be scary - especially with something that's such a big deal. I have never really known anyone who had a really serious medical condition, especially so early in life. To think that a child that I will bring home, and fall quickly head-over-heels in love with will have to suffer, and that I will have to helplessly stand by and watch, already makes me very sad and nervous. I used to work in and around the operating room at the hospital I worked at. I remember vividly small kids being taken to surgery - taken from the safe arms of mommy and daddy and poked and prodded and whisked off into the world of the unknown - for them and their parents. Many of them cried and were very scared. And then, as they wake up from surgery, as the anesthesia is wearing off, they will cry again because they are confused and scared and physically hurting. Many of them are inconsolable, even when reunited with their parents. Though I believe the pain on both the part of the child and of Narasimha and I will be worth it, it will still be a tough situation. I tend to "joke" when I'm nervous or uncomfortable, and saying a word like "broken" for some reason takes a little of the weight and gravity of the situation away in my own mind. There is a chance that our child will need open-heart surgery. I know just enough about medicine, and Narasimha as a physician obviously knows a lot about medicine, that even though we trust God entirely with any situation, we still feel and will continue to feel scared and nervous and as the situation comes closer, and a whole host of other emotions as well.
Once again, if I have hurt your feelings by my unkind words, I am sorry. If you left the comment (for which I can truly say "thank-you" - not only for bringing it to my attention, but for giving me the opportunity to say the things I have said here, which I think are important) I hope I have cleared up what must have been going through your head.
Christian: What "brokenness" are you refusing to embrace and be thankful for in your own life, or in the life of someone close to you? What "brokenness" are you hiding from the world? How could you use that as a testimony for someone who needs to see Jesus' always unconditional saving love and grace?
If you're not a Christian - if you don't know what I am talking about in the paragraphs above - do the things I've talked about sound enticing to you? How would your life change if you knew that there was always someone who loves you, and who wants the best for you, even at your worst, most broken condition? How would you feel if you knew you could be honest with someone about all your secrets, all your baggage, and you would be loved and welcomed with open arms anyways? What would your life be like if you could lay all of you problems at the feet of Jesus by trusting in Him, and not only have a purpose and fulfillment in your time left on this earth, but also the guarantee of a mansion in heaven and a new life after death that is better than anything you'll ever get here? Questions: contact me at nkiowa@hotmail.com. Or, find a Bible, and start reading in the New Testament (Romans is a good place to start).
I hope I have accurately and selflessly become transparent enough to let you see my heart here. The perk of a blog, in my opinion, is to put yourself out there and be known. Especially to those who personally know me and read this, I hope you get a better view of not only who I am, but who Jesus Christ is making me in light of these life experiences. And, above all, I want to be an encouragement to anyone who may read this, and of course honor Jesus in my life and writing.
And to anyone - please always feel free to comment. I like getting feedback, even if you don't agree with what I say. I try always to respect the opinions of others (though as you can see here, I don't always agree), and will gladly welcome the chance to defend my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ. Even if sometimes it means I personally look like a fool in the process.
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