Why Not IVF?

I am writing this post in response to some things that have been said to us, and also to explain why we are going almost against probably what most of the general public would do who has a similar situation with infertility and the financial means to consider fertility assistance - and definitely the field of medicine - in choosing how to expand our family, in light of our struggle with infertility, and the specific diagnosis of infertility that we have (meaning that we could likely "benefit" from fertility assistance). Also, read on if you don't know a whole lot about different measures of fertility assistance - I won't go into great detail here, but I will include links so you can read up on your own if you want.

We have heard the following comments or some sort of variation of them:

"Are you sure you don't want to try IVF - I know someone it worked for and..."

"Are you sure you aren't going to someday regret not ever trying harder to have your own child?"

"What will you do with your adopted child if you happen to get pregnant someday?"

"Are you sure you're not disappointing (Narasimha or Kristina) by not trying harder?" - asked to one of us about the other.

"Is this something your religion won't let you do?"

Yeah, I'm not kidding - people really say this stuff.

Western medicine has come a long way in helping people live longer and better lives, from transplants, to medical management, to things that aren't necessary but make people happy and "improve" lives (here I am thinking anything from liposuction to fertility assistance measures, etc.). With any perceived benefit, there is always a cost, whether it is physical, financial, or even moral.

Infertility is a somewhat flaky diagnosis, and is basically characterized by a couple who has tried to get pregnant for 1 year with no success. There is always more to it than that though - the real question is what is causing the infertility? Sometimes it is a physical problem that the man has, sometimes a physical problem that the woman has, and sometimes, both parties have problems that contribute. As you can imagine, there are many MANY things that could go wrong (or even just not quite right) with either the man or the woman making pregnancy unachievable. For a brief overview of infertility or a list of some of the most common causes of infertility, click here. Sometimes, there is nothing that can be found that is wrong with either person that would indicate why a couple is unable to conceive. Sometimes, conception is possible, but for whatever reason, the pregnancy is spontaneously (accidentally) terminated early and doesn't result in a live birth. The couple may or may not know there was ever even a pregnancy, depending on how and how early the pregnancy ended. My point here is that this subject is no simple matter.

We (one of us actually) were diagnosed with a physical problem very early in our effort to become pregnant. We looked at the facts regarding the treatment, and the risks and benefits, and decided that the affected person would have surgery to attempt to correct the problem. We decided that in our situation, we were ok with fixing our bodies to see if that would make us able to spontaneously conceive without the help of actual "fertility assistance measures." The problem that was fixed was something that was physically painful before the surgery, and is a problem that people have fixed even if they aren't having problems conceiving as a result of it (it doesn't only cause problems in aspects of fertility). The surgery was likely successful, although we don't know how successful (read here and here for a little more on our specific situation). The surgery took place over a year ago, and to date we have still not been able to get pregnant.

So there's the problem. What can medicine do for us?

There are many options, ranging a lot in how physically invasive they are, how many "moral" issues are potentially attached, and how much they cost financially.

Here's a list of some of the things we could pursue (click on the word for detailed description or read my sort-of layman's description):

Medication-Induced Hyper-Ovulation
Sometimes the woman doesn't ovulate regularly, so they give medications to make her ovulate. Sometimes they give the medications to make her ovulate more, so that each month, instead of releasing one egg, she could release several, which would hypothetically increase the odds of fertilizing an egg and then having one implant. This also increases the chance of multiple embryo implantation. There would be no way to know how many embryos would possibly implant, but it could be very many. This is likely what happened when the woman from Carlisle, Iowa, had 7 babies at one time (septuplets). This may seem obvious, but any pregnancy with more than 1 baby has increased risk, and with each additional baby, the risk increase is exponential. This leads some to consider Selective Reduction. This means aborting some of the babies. The thought is that the ones who are left will have a better chance of survival and health. It is still abortion - still the killing of babies you supposedly worked so hard to make. This also can get more morally messy when the parents do genetic testing, or find out the gender of the babies, before they decide who to get rid of. Sometimes people choose to abort the babies with problems, or by gender, and sometimes it could be random, or where the baby is attached to the uterus, etc. This medication therapy when used alone is probably the cheapest fertility assistance a person could try. I guess it could also be considered "fixing one's body" if the woman isn't ovulating (under the precept used above for my justification of the surgery we were ok with doing). However, the risks are still there, even in the "fixing one's body" scenario, to have a multiple pregnancy, which could then lead to a moral decision.

Artificial Insemination (AI) or Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI)
Sometimes used in combination with the Hyper-Ovulation medication (above) - sometimes not. This is often used as a first-line therapy, and is quite a bit financially cheaper, and less physically painful, than IVF which I will talk about next. This is where the doctors have some of the man's sperm, and they will often "wash" it to get the good ones out, and they put the good sperm directly into the woman's uterus. The timing with the woman's monthly cycle is precise, and it gets the sperm closer to where it needs to get to for the couple to become pregnant. There are still downfalls to the process. I would still consider the pregnancy to have been achieved in the doctor's office, but there is more left to nature, like the union of the sperm and the egg, and the embryo's growth, survival and implantation in the uterus.

In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with embryo transfer
This is a very complex process, and quite invasive and expensive. Not to mention often full of moral questions. This process starts with the woman giving herself daily injections to induce hyper-ovulation which can be timed very precisely. Kind-of the same as the medications listed above, but I think different in some aspects that I don't know. Then the woman has to go to the doctor's office and they put her to sleep and pull the eggs out of her ovaries with a long needle before they are released into the fallopian tubes. Then they take the man's sperm and mix the eggs and the sperm together, and hope that some of them will hook up and form embryos. This is in the lab - and where they get the term "test tube baby." Then they "grow" the embryos that result out for a few days, to see which ones survive. After that, they pick the healthiest one(s) (and they can even do genetic testing on these embryos to find problems/gender), and finally, they put these little week-or-so old embryos straight into the woman's uterus, where they will hopefully latch on and grow to be babies. This process, as it would seem, has moral issues everywhere. First, the doctors take from the woman as many eggs as they can, which could probably be anywhere from several to 30 or even sometimes 40+. Then, they basically try to fertilize all of them, and see what happens. It is feasible that half of those could fertilize, so now you have 25-20 embryos (early stage babies). Now it is likely that some of them will die in the growing out process, and often they have to freeze them to wait for the right time in the woman's cycle to transfer to the uterus, and some will probably die then or in the unfreezing process too. But say somehow after growing and freezing/thawing you still have 10 viable embryos (which is potentially very realistic and possible, and could be more or less depending on each situation). The doctors won't put any more than 2-3 in at a time, and then you could still end up with twins/triplets if they all latch on (we know or know of people who have had singles, twins, and triplets with this process). So even if you put 3 in, you still have 7 left from your 10. Now what to do with those leftover embryos? Well, you can keep having babies until yours are all used up (and then you have to pay for the freezer space in a lab to keep your frozen babies until you are ready for them) and potentially end up with lots and lots of kids. You could dump them in the trash can, which as far as I'm concerned is no better than abortion. You could adopt them out, which is becoming more popular and is called Snowflake Babies. Now sometimes you don't have so many embryos to think about - I know of a couple who by the time the growing out and unfreezing was finished, they had 2 (and only 2) very healthy embryos that they implanted and ended up having twins 9 months later (actually like 8 months because the babies were premature which is the most common complication of pregnancy with multiples). But, this extra embryo situation does happen often enough that you have to have a plan that you have to tell your doctors before they will even start the process of IVF with you.

Intracytoplasmic Sperm Implantation (ICSI) - See link for IVF
Even farther on the spectrum of IVF, and more expensive. This is when your sperm and eggs won't unite on their own for whatever reason when they mix them together in the test tube, so the doctors actually pick a single sperm and shove it into the egg to get the embryo.

Donors
People also have the option of using donors for almost any part of the process - anywhere from donor eggs, to donor sperm, to borrowed uterus (also called a surrogate). This can get very morally sticky, and in the case of using a surrogate, even legally sticky by means of custody, etc. The potential for problems and miscommunications are endless. Not to mention expensive and risky, based on your personal preferences as a parent.

There is so so so much more - this is hardly the tip of the iceberg. But hopefully it gives you an idea of the scope of what's possible, and what those who are interested in pursuing the options have to consider.

Now that we know the options, lets get personal - why not fertility assistance for us?

If my dramatic portrayal of the risks involved didn't indicate well enough how I feel, here it is: I don't think that the potential risks are worth the potential benefits. Said again: the things that could go wrong, and how much that would cost (physically, emotionally, financially, morally) do not outweigh the benefits in my mind.

Another reason: A fellow (Christian) blogger who also suffers from infertility said it this way (not a direct quote, but this is the gist of it): "I don't want to take something that is beautiful and natural and created by God (the act of making a baby) and turn it into a sterile lab procedure." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Another reason: Why does adoption have to be a last resort? "Oh, I tried EVERYTHING and nothing worked, so I guess we have to adopt to get a child." I don't want to look at my adopted child and think "We could have done better." I bet if you ask those who have adopted children, no matter their reason for the adoption, (a group I soon hope to be a part of) they would say that they love and own that child as much as anyone who physically births a baby. I will choose to take a proactive and positive approach to loving my child, no matter how God chooses to give him or her to me. Adoption is a special way of making people into a family, and in my mind is something to be embraced and celebrated. Love is a choice, not a feeling - ask anyone who is happily married. Although not a concept endorsed by our society, I firmly believe that the Bible teaches this.

Another reason: I have said this before, and will say it again. If God wants us to be pregnant, we will be. He doesn't need the help of medical professionals for us to add to our family. There is a child (or hopefully children) out there who God has intended for our family. Whether sitting in an orphanage in India, or in our bodies waiting to be conceived, or waiting to be conceived through someone else that we could someday adopt - I don't care who or where - if God allows the process, whatever it entails, for us to acquire children, then I will feel blessed and be thankful for it.

Another reason: Though these fertility assistance methods have been tested and improved upon over the years, there is certainly never a guarantee. Financially speaking, these can be anywhere from kind-of expensive to you-only-have-enough-money-to-do-this-once-and-even-then-you-just-drained-your-retirement-account expensive. And even then, you could end up with no baby. I have heard countless stories where people spend every dime they have, and put second mortgages on their houses, etc., and at the end of the day, they are still not mommies and daddies. I am much too cheap to take that kind of a risk. Also of note: people who choose to pursue these things get little or no help from insurance, so somehow have to come up with the funds for this on their own. In my mind, money spent here could just as well be invested for a future college tab, or a bunch of trips to India, or any number of other things.

If I haven't somehow answered the questions above yet, I will do so now.

"Are you sure you don't want to try IVF - I know someone it worked for and..."
IVF is an amazing thing, and I am sure it has made countless families very happy. I am happy for those who are happy because of it. I personally know people who have done this, and who it worked for, and they have the most precious and beautiful children as a result. It is still not something I am willing to do. To clarify: we are not saying our choice is right for everyone. At the end of the day, each person has to be able to accept decisions they have made. We all have different ways of looking at things.

"Are you sure you aren't going to someday regret not ever trying harder to have your own child?"
Two answers to this one. First, we aren't going to stop trying to have a biological baby. We will keep doing everything we can do - 2 people in the confines of a bedroom - to become pregnant. I still hope and pray that this will happen for us someday. If it doesn't, I will be thankful for whatever (whomever) God provides. And second, any adopted child we have is OUR child. As much as any biological child we may someday have.

"What will you do with your adopted child if you happen to get pregnant someday?"
Um, duh, love it, and care for it, and punish it, and teach it, and buy it stuff, and play with it, and make it mad, and make it happy, and let it make me mad, and let it make me happy, and laugh with it, and cry with it, and dream about it's future, and celebrate with it, and celebrate its part in our family, and hopefully one day lead it to Christ...I'm sure there's more. And, tell it to say that "At least Mom and Dad chose me - they got stuck with you!" if the biological child ever gave the adopted child grief about being adopted. :)

"Are you sure you're not disappointing (Narasimha or Kristina) by not trying harder?"
We are 2 adults who are happily married and very much want the best for each other before ourselves individually. This is a decision that has been made to be the best, not for either of us individually, but for both of us together and as a family. This decision has not been made without much conversation and prayer, and many moments of sadness and tears about our missing children, and many moments of hope and happiness looking forward to what lies ahead for our family. This is no small decision and we do not take it lightly. May I encourage you that unless you have been "there" (whether "there" is infertility, dealing with sick family members, personal problems, financial difficulties, etc.) don't give advice to people who are dealing with "there" - just be encouraging. And if you can't do that, don't say anything at all. I am not saying that you are not allowed to lovingly raise important issues that may not have been considered/discussed. But if the people directly involved say "Yup, I've thought of that and I'm willing to deal with it," then believe them and let it go.

"Is this something your religion won't let you do?"
My religion isn't Baptist (although that's what it says on the church we attend) - my religion is being a follower of Jesus Christ, or "Christian." The Christian handbook is the Bible, and no, it doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that "Thou shall not do IVF." You can look - it's not in there. Through the Bible, however, we can learn Christian principles, and learn to know God better, and through those things we can feel like we are making decisions that would best please God. Though I don't think that fertility assistance measures necessarily fall under the category of black and white "sin" I think there are a lot of issues in fertility assistance that do count as "sin" and then a lot of gray area. I personally try to look at Christian living on a good-better-best continuum. Maybe before "good" would be not necessarily sin, but not good. That is where I would personally, especially for my life, place IVF. And then you have to be careful, because there are so many things that could push you into the "sin" category. I don't know why, with so many homeless children out there, I would make myself face these tough choices when I can get a child without doing so. I know from the Bible that God loves me and wants me to be happy, as a child of His. I also know He wants me to trust Him unconditionally for everything I want and need. I also know that if I wait and do things His way rather than try on my own, I will be much happier and more at peace with any outcome that happens (interesting Biblical parallel - read in Genesis 16 about Abraham and Sarah's infertility, and what they did about it, and how that turned out). I will choose to wait. Waiting doesn't mean doing nothing, and it doesn't necessarily mean not exploring options. I believe that adoption is in a sense taking things in our own hands. The difference here is that there isn't really anything about it that is "sin," and if we approach it prayerfully and still asking for God's blessing, we can have peace that this is what He intends for our family. My God is a God of love, and He wants us to manifest His love unconditionally, and adoption is one way I believe we can do that, and make Him happy and still get what we want, which is a family.

Yikes, that's a lot of info for one post. This will probably be about the last time I talk about fertility assistance - I just wanted to set the record straight. My identity will continue to be defined by infertility, and also now as an (potential) adoptive parent. I know this is long - I hope it was helpful for you, no matter how much you know about infertility or issues surrounding it.

May Narasimha and I continue to want to please our God more than anyone else, and may God be honored by this issue of infertility/adoption in our lives.

Puzzling Results - A Follow-up

This post is a follow-up to a post I wrote back in November regarding some puzzling post-operative test results we received regarding our infertility. We have had more tests to get to the bottom of what was/is going on, and the result is that we still don't know. We have now been to 4 different institutions, to see whose results were close to each other, and what seemed more believable and reliable, and after all 4 different places, we still have no clear-cut answers. Basically, two places have values that are similar to each other, and the other two places have values that are similar to each other, but the gap in the 2 and 2 values is huge, and not at all consistent.

The moral of the story: it doesn't really matter. We are still not pregnant, and that is the bottom line. It never did matter - I just wanted to see if someone was blatantly lying to us (specifically: the institution that performed the surgery).

No matter what the test results: we still could get pregnant someday. Modern medicine, in either scenario, would tell us that we will need some sort of fertility assistance to get pregnant. The difference there is what sort of assistance we would likely need - also a mute point since we have decided against that.

So, my conclusion: medicine is a science, but also sometimes a quack (maybe more often than not - who knows - another mute point). And my inner cynic comes to the surface :)

Details: Bringing Baby Home

I started checking into the process of being able to bring the baby back into the US. It isn't as easy as I'd hoped (I don't know why I was thinking it would be - duh!). As far as I know, the adoption part and getting the child from India isn't any harder (thankfully). It's just the part of getting the child able to enter the US with us when we come to bring it home. Yesterday I went to the USA Govt's website and just looked at the International Adoption page, and wow, there are a lot of details to consider, and a lot of stuff to do on a timeline, etc. I am still hoping to be able to do the work by myself and not hire a lawyer, but I sure wouldn't want to screw anything up. By the time I get done, I should be eligible for a law degree myself :) There are some things about our situation that will likely make things slightly less complicated, but almost in the same breath, more difficult too. Sounds contradictory - I know.

On another note, an update about us and our decisions: We have decided after much prayer and conversation that we will tell the orphanage/Indian Govt that we will accept a child, pending our final approval, with medical needs. Right now we have no idea what that will entail - what will be wrong, the age or gender of the child, etc. We will likely get an older-than-newborn child, but I don't know how much older. I actually don't know how they chose a child to give you if you are sidestepping the normal routine of just waiting in line for a healthy newborn. I am pretty sure it isn't like baby shopping, where we go in and point and say "That one." Obviously this hasn't been decided in the last 2 days since my previous post - this has been in the back of our minds for a while. Now I can just say that we have actually talked through the issues, like why now on a first child instead of on a subsequent child, why would we take an older child the first time around, how will this affect our marriage and ability to be good parents, etc. I am not saying that we think this will be easy (dealing with everything when Baby is home with us) - but we do feel confident that this is something God is calling us to do. That's enough reason for me to be at peace with the situation.

And, we have also decided that besides general adoption details/timeline, we don't want to tell any of the specifics of our potential child until we are in India and the child is physically in our arms and the whole thing is done. There are many reasons for this...so we won't be telling gender, age, name (which we already have picked out), medical problems, etc, until we are sure that the information we are giving out is about our child - not details about a little person who could end up not working out.

Please be in prayer for us as we continue to make decisions and process information and do the busy work, and for our child - he or she may already be born.

Adoption: Starting the Process

In a previous post (one from our India Trip I believe) I said that I would post some of the details of the start of our adoption process. Not much has actually happened since then, but I can post what I know as of right now.

When we were in India we went to an orphanage in Hyderabad, which is where Narasimha is from. We didn't actually expect to find anything out about our own potential adoption while we were visiting. Narasimha actually told the lady on the phone that we weren't interested in adopting right now, because if we would have told her we were, she likely wouldn't have let us come. And, he didn't lie to her - we were just going to check it out as maybe something to look into down the line, and see if the facility was someplace we could see taking a child out of and into our home. However, somehow when we were there, Narasimha started asking hypothetical questions about the process, and they ended up turning a little personal to our potential situation. I think the lady must have known we weren't trying to pull a fast one on her, so she was willing to answer all of our questions and turned out to be very helpful. I think they try to steer clear of foreigners thinking they can show up one day and walk out with a baby the next or something. Some of the things we learned from her (some of this might be a repeat from a previous post - sorry):
-There are restrictions on age, couple status, etc., of people who want to adopt. None of these restrictions should be a problem for us.
-First priority for placement goes to resident Indians; second priority goes to non-resident Indians; third priority goes to anyone else of any other nationality who meets other criteria. We would get to use Narasimha's non-resident Indian status (NRI) and be "second priority."
-The orphanage gets something like 9,000 applications for adoption a year.
-The waiting time to get a healthy baby is something like 2-5 years, depending on your priority status and the gender of child you want. I think that might be from the time the application is received or processed, but it could be from the time the homestudy is approved - I'm not sure.
-If you get a baby, you could have the baby as early as 3 months old, or even earlier.
-Children who come to the orphanage later than newborn, or babies or children with medical issues, are harder to adopt out. If a couple is willing to take an older child, or one with medical issues, they will put you on the fast-track for your homestudy and you could have a child within 6 months. These medical "issues" could range from mental retardation, to unfixed cleft palate, to heart defects, to umbilical hernias, etc.

That's sort-of the general information that comes to mind - now here's where we are:
-We have to fill out a packet of information and do some things and send it all in. Our packet then goes to a place in New Delhi to the national government for sorting and processing. Someone from the Indian Government who is here in the US (I think) will then contact us and set up a time to do a homestudy.
-I have called the US Government and left a message with someone about what we would need to do to get paperwork for the child to be able to enter the country. I think we might have a good situation here as far as N and I having different nationalities: we can get a baby faster from India through him, and we can get the baby into the States easier through my American citizenship. I have not yet heard back from them.
-I am not sure if I need to contact an adoption lawyer, although right now I haven't and don't see any reason to. Everything we have right now we can easily do on our own, and since the child would be coming from and Indian orphanage, I don't think we will have placement or custody issues - I am pretty sure the biological parents, when the child goes to the orphanage, relinquish their parental rights. And once we have it in the States, I don't think they could fight to get it back anyways.
-We have not yet decided what we want in a child. I know we don't care about gender (you don't get to pick that if it comes out of you). We have some serious talking and praying to do regarding the age and potential medical problems we are willing to accept. This is no light matter, and we want to be sure we are informed, but also let God lead us and not scare too easily. So many of the medical "issues" could be fixed with a surgery (simple or very complex) that a child might not be able to have in India, and I am not sure I am willing to disregard a child who has something wrong with him or her that could very well happen if we had a child biologically. We have also talked about the possibility of getting an older child (and our limit would likely be around 4 years old) because there is still a chance we could get pregnant. If we adopted an older child, and then got pregnant, there would still be some gap in our children's ages (which is what I would prefer).
-Praise the Lord! I actually called our insurance company today for something unrelated, and while I had the lady on the phone I decided to ask about how adopting a child with a known medical issue might affect coverage on that child under the presumption of "pre-existing condition" - that was one of the issues we decided we'd need to know about before accepting a child with a medical problem. She didn't know, so I got transferred around a bit, but the final answer I was given was that they would pay for anything, even in an older child, as they would if you birthed or adopted a newborn, keeping in mind our deductible and out-of-pocket max, etc. This is a HUGE blessing and quite encouraging, and I really think the insurance company is doing a good thing here that they wouldn't necessarily have to.
-I am not sure how little or much we will know about the child's past, family medical history, etc. We forgot to ask until now but I am sure there will be opportunities in the future.
-As I understand it, if we decided to go with an older child or one with medical issues, we could be parents by the end of 2008 :)

That's basically the gist of it - I have to get busy and get some paperwork and other things going. Then, I have to clean the house and get ready for the homestudy. And, as I said before, we have some serious praying and thinking to do regarding the aforementioned issues. God will lead, of that I am confident. I just want to be sure that we invite God into every step of this process. Please feel free to ask any questions if you have them. And we would very much appreciate your prayers for wisdom and discernment as we begin this very exciting journey!

Wait on the Lord

Yesterday's sermon was a blessing, and I am really glad we braved the weather and made it, even if only for part of it. We got a call when we were getting ready and they said they were only doing one service (instead of Sunday School and Morning Worship) and that it was going to be in the middle of those two regular times. So, since we were planning on being on time to Morning Worship, we were going to be late. We finished getting ready very quickly, and then drove very slowly on the ice and blowing snow covered roads, and made it in about the middle of the service.

I think the title of the message must have been something like "Power in Christ." He directed us to Isaiah 40, which is a passage I have come to know well and really love, especially in light of our struggle with infertility. About the time I found out we were "infertile" I found this passage and spent a lot of time just reading, meditating, and processing the words of the passage (see my very lengthy initial thoughts here). Pastor was talking yesterday about how if we wait on the Lord, we can find our power through Christ in this way. That immediately took my mind to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, which has also been a cherished passage to me, almost in the same breath as Isaiah 40:31. Actually, I listed the 2 Corinthians passage as the memory verse of the week (see sidebar) a week or so ago. Kinda funny - 2 Corinthians is where Pastor directed us next as well, and then to several other passages in mostly the New Testament (one of which is 2 Timothy 1:7 - which I am listing as the memory verse of the week this week).

It has been some time now that we have not been able to conceive. We have had differing reports regarding potential future success being able to ever conceive (from a medical perspective). Basically, we have come to the place where we try not to think about what medicine tells us is possible. We know that the God of the universe is able, without the help of modern medicine, to give us a baby (or child) in His time and His way. Even knowing this, sometimes it is harder than hard to be patient and remember that Someone much more powerful and in control than myself has this all under His plan. He understands my pain and frustration and sadness, and at the same time He has a plan for this situation. If we chose to joyfully wait on Him, we will be able to experience true peace that comes from God alone, and someday, we will have whatever His perfect plan has in store for our lives.

On the way home from church yesterday, Narasimha said that the service just confirmed in his mind our decision from the beginning to reject medical intervention for getting pregnant. After the service I just felt encouraged - it didn't really bring up anything I haven't thought before, but with our new adoption options, and more time spent missing motherhood, I just felt refreshed and reminded that this is in no accident, but is absolutely God's individualized and perfect plan for our lives.

In case you are reading this and don't have a Bible at your fingertips, I'd like to type the passages listed above...

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (NKJV)

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NKJV)

A New Routine

Narasimha and I are trying something new, and so far it is going pretty well. We have had a hard time getting into really any type of a routine since moving to M-town - between the India trip, and moving twice, and a new job, etc. So this week we joined the gym, and decided that we will do strength and resistance training in the mornings before Narasimha goes to work, and then do cardio in the evenings sometime. Getting on a schedule is great if you can keep it, and so far we're doing well. Although I'm not gonna lie - getting up at 5 or so is tough when you're more of a 9 kinda girl :) It has also been a blessing from a spiritual aspect - we give ourselves extra time in the morning so we can have breakfast together and then do a Bible study and spend time in prayer as a couple. I looked over my New Year's resolutions and this schedule could actually accomplish a few of them :) So, if it seems like I'm posting less, I am, as I get used to my new schedule and adjust to my new sleeping hours.

So Close

We had a great weekend, although it went too fast! My favorite part of our busy weekend was the volleyball game I attended on Friday night. This game was played by the team I am volunteer coaching, and it was a lot of fun. We didn't win, though I thought we should have. I truly believe we were better than the other team in most ways. But it certainly wasn't a waste to go, even with no "W" at the end of the night. The girls have improved so much, and are so much fun to watch. It took us a little while (too long perhaps) to actually start playing - like a game and a half. We lost by only 2 points in what is the equivalent to volleyball overtime - a 5th game, with extra points. Narasimha wasn't able to go - he had to work, and the game was about 2 hours away. I told him he missed a good one. I didn't have much of a voice for most of Saturday, and my legs were sore from jumping around so much :) This just confirms what I have believed for some time now: volleyball is one of the very most fun things I can think of doing, no matter how you're involved or how it ends up turning out :)

India Trip 2008 - A Summary

Have you ever done something, and then after the fact looked back and said "Why?" Well, unfortunately, that describes much of our India trip this time for me. Here's my confession.

We had some good times, and it was great to see my inlaws and spend time with Narasimha away from work and enjoying himself. However, for many reasons which I won't go into here, the trip was not really all that relaxing and proved to be almost more stressful probably than just staying home. By the end of the trip I thought, "I need a vacation!"

It's disappointing for me to look back and remember how I handled many of the situations that arose. Maybe some of them were out of my control, but that's somewhat irrelevant. There were times that I was ungracious, unloving, unthankful, and the list goes on and on. I am truly sorry for the way things turned out (and think I have apologized to all of the people involved). The worst part of all of this is that I fear that any Christian influence I had in the lives of many people I care deeply about (and people who have varying relationships with Christ) is probably ruined, or at least badly tainted. I profess to love Jesus, and then I go act like that - ouch.

There were good times, as you can see by the pictures I added. And, luckily, my memory of the bad times is fading, and as I look at all of the pictures of the trip, I remember mostly good things because we are smiling in all of the pictures.

So, as hazy as this post is, after a week and a half of thinking and processing the events that took place, I just wanted to report that I screwed up, and I fear more dire consequences than a wasted vacation.

I heard this song by Michael W. Smith the other day on the radio (I have heard it many times before as well) and it really hit home in light of many things that happened during the month of January thousands of miles away from where I sit right now.

Never Been Unloved
I have been unfaithful
I have been unworthy
I have been unrighteous
And I have been unmerciful

I have been unreachable
I have been unteachable
I have been unwilling
And I have been undesirable

And sometimes I have been unwise
I've been undone by what I'm unsure of
But because of You
And all that you went through
I know that I have never been unloved

I have been unbroken
I have been unmended
I have been uneasy
And I have been unapproachable

I've been unemotional
I've been unexceptional
I've been undecided
And I have been unqualified

Unaware
I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice You made for me
To show that I have never been unloved

It's because of You
And all that You went through
I know that I have never been unloved

How true the words of this song are, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say everyone who reads this post has felt this way at some point. It makes me feel better to know, especially right now, that God doesn't love me for who I am or what I do, but when God sees me, He sees Jesus as my intercessor. This has been a truly humbling experience.