"Broken"

It's late, and I can't sleep. Last night we had a fairly grueling workout in training for our marathon (we ran 19 miles) so when we got home neither of us felt very good and decided to call it a night early. Well, after 2 hours of sleep I woke up hungry. I made it to the kitchen for a midnight snack (I don't think I've ever done that before) and hoped to fall back asleep for the rest of the night. No such luck. I've been lying there for an hour now, wide awake. And my mind has drifted to this post I've been meaning to write, which probably woke me up more. So, here I find myself in front of the computer at 1 AM (I will likely regret this timing tomorrow).

The history: I received an anonymous comment about a month ago on one of my posts from several months back. This particular comment happened to be about something that I haven't blogged about (and there's a reason for that, which I'll go into in a little bit) but is actually from real life. As I read the comment I was initially very shocked, and a little hurt and defensive, but decided that I wanted to say some things in return for what this person said to me. I also didn't want to respond right away because I wanted to pray about my words and make sure I was responding out of love, not pride. And, I really don't have an option but to put it here, as I really have no clue who said it, and since it came to me from the blogosphere, I guess that's where I get to deal with it. That also means that the opinion that some of you may have of me, especially if you know me in real life, may suffer. I guess this is where I get to put my pride on the shelf, and pray to be an instrument of Christ to clear this all up. This is some pretty heavy stuff - hold on to your seat. Here is the comment I received (direct quote, with some grammar fixes):

"Kristina-
It has been mentioned to me that in some circles you have referred to your future child as "broken."
After hearing that, I came here VERY judgmental but reading your blog I do not see any of that in your writing.
Perhaps you did not realize that your words offended others so but I just ask that when you are referring to your future child that may have a medical condition that you state it as so instead of calling the child "broken."
I can tell that you will love and care for any child that God blesses you with so please be respectful of how you are referring to that child before they arrive. Otherwise someday they may speak to someone who heard you refer to them otherwise and be hurt by those words.
Also, anyone who has a child with physical or mental impairments may be very offended by hearing you use those words in that context. To them, their children are perfect gifts from God. If God does not make mistakes then every child is born perfect and no child is ever "broken."
Take care and just remember that any child that you are blessed with will be a gift from God and you should begin acting that way now, not later."

Wow, that's a lot of information to take in in just a few sentences. I feel like I have to start by saying that I am very, very sorry for saying something that obviously hurt someone's feelings, and now that this is out there, has the potential to hurt the feelings of or offend more who may read this. Yes, it's true. I have called our future child "broken." If that offends you or hurts your feelings in any way, I am very sorry for saying something so insensitive and hurtful. Was what I said in bad taste? Obviously. Hurtful? Probably, maybe more to some than others. Meant to hurt anyone's feelings? Not in a million years. Please accept my most sincere apologies.

Now, with my honest apology on the table, I would like to talk a little bit about why I have said this, actually on more than one occasion.

First, I want to say that there is a reason that I have never used such a word in the writing on this blog. I have only ever said it when talking to people in real life. The reason for that is because obviously such a description of a human child could be hurtful and offensive, and when I said it in real life, I thought that I only said it around people who knew me well enough to know that 1. I was joking and 2. It wasn't a value statement about the child. Apparently I said it to someone who did not take it as one of those things, and who passed along to someone else my insensitive comment (or maybe was a person who heard me say it?). Joking/sarcasm in writing are hard to pick up, so unless it's very very obvious, I try to avoid doing that. Especially in the case of a blog, where you might not always personally know the people who may be reading what you write, and things said could be quite easily misunderstood.

Second, I would like to explain "broken" and what I think about that, and why I took the liberty of saying that. I said I was sorry for hurt feelings, and I meant it, but after much thought I do not retract my statement (though I will likely not use that word much from here on out to avoid misunderstandings such as the one that lead to the need for this post). Narasimha and I have talked a lot and prayed about the decision we made to accept, and even seek out, adopting a child with medical needs. This child, in a physical sense, will be "broken." In some sense, aren't we all broken? Back in the time of Adam and Eve in the beginning of Genesis, sin entered the world. From that point forward, no child was ever conceived who did not have sin and brokenness as a part of their genetic makeup. And no child was conceived before The Fall, so every single child in the history of the world that has ever been conceived has been broken. The only exception to this rule is Jesus Christ Himself, and that was because He does not have a human father. Jesus was fully human, which he got from Mary His mother, and also fully God, as we know He came from a virgin birth (thus not having a human father). This sin manifests itself in many ways, and we are all hopelessly broken. To clarify: I am not trying to say that the child, or any child who has physical problems from birth, has physical problems due to a specific sin they may have committed (though later in life, this is certainly possible), but simply that sickness and suffering are the result of the sinfulness of humanity. Before sin there was no suffering. As sin entered the world, so did every problem that humankind has ever had. I do not believe that this is coincidental. The child we will adopt will likely have (we don't know who we're adopting yet, so we don't actually know what the problem will be) a medical problem. If a child is born perfectly healthy, with no apparent medical issues, certainly it won't take long for the "brokenness" of the child to become obvious. The child who is healthy at birth could very easily become physically sick at some point, or could have mental or emotional shortcomings, or any combination of these or other problems. As much as we like to hold small babies and adore them and talk about how "perfect" they are, most of us will readily admit that really sooner rather than later that child's imperfections are bound to become obvious. Are they cute? Most of the time :) Loveable? Of course. Perfect? Unless you're holding Jesus II, which is Biblically impossible, no. I respectfully disagree that God creates any child to be perfect. Every child is always exactly what God wants them to be, of that I am absolutely sure and for that we can always rejoice, but by definition, they are not perfect and are not created to be.

And, more important in my mind than understanding and expecting "brokenness" is being able to truly embrace it and be thankful for it. I am 100% aware that I am broken, and I have absolutely full intentions of raising my children to know that they too are broken. No matter if I physically birth them or adopt them with medical needs, or adopt a child with no medical needs, etc. Without honestly admitting personal "brokenness" there is no need for a Savior. If I am fine, and good, all on my own, what need do I have for Jesus in my life? My absolute very most important job as a mommy is to incarnate, or put flesh on, or accurately represent Jesus to my children, with the hope and prayer that someday my children will be able to totally and fully trust and love Him as I am currently working towards in my own life. There is very real danger in allowing any child to believe for any time that they are perfect. From a parental perspective, if I allow my child to believe that I think they are perfect, and that I love them, they may start to believe that I love them because they are perfect. They will inevitably one day find out that they're not perfect, and might then question my love for them. They might also become dishonest with themselves about their own value as a person - resulting in either excessive pride and arrogance or self-hatred and shame. It is essential to my success as a parent that my children know that I love them not because of what they do, but because of who they are. And that their position in our family is always and forever and no matter what. That the love that I have for them is a kind of love that doesn't run out or have impossible conditions. And by loving that way, I will be able to show my child a glimpse of just how much his/her Heavenly Father loves him/her. Just as in a parental perspective, it is even more important that my child understand unconditional love to understand God's love from a Biblical perspective. As I learn to parent my child, my love, and my skills as mommy, will have shortcomings. Probably many of them. My humanity will show and my own imperfections and brokenness will become very obvious to my child. Where my love falls short, God's love takes over, and just like the energizer bunny, keeps going, and going, and going... And, although God hates sin, it does not surprise Him that we are sinful. He created each one of us, and also allows us to have our own free will. He doesn't like our sin, but He expects it, and even better yet, sin itself is essential to our needing His Son Jesus Christ. To give my child an accurate view of him/herself and an accurate view of God, and his/her place in the family of God, I find it impossible to give my child anything other than thankfulness for everything he/she has and is - whether the world would look at those things as a blessing or a curse. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." NKJV This is one of my favorite verses.

To understand all of this, for my child, will also hopefully serve as a lesson in the sovereignty of God. I would never not tell my child that he or she was adopted. I do not believe that an adoption is something to hide, but rather, a beautiful way God makes a family out of people who do not share the same genetic material. I will also not hide from my child or anyone else the fact that Narasimha and I felt burdened to adopt a child with medical needs. Our decision was not to be able to feel better about ourselves, and look down on a poor and pitiful child. For us, it is simply coming to the realization that neither of us would be passing on perfection that we don't have to a biological child if we were able to have one, and any biological child of ours could be compromised physically, mentally, emotionally just as could be any adopted child. If we're honest, both of our bodies are so broken that we can't even make a baby. For that we're also learning to not just tolerate, but actually be thankful for. In addition to that, we have the resources to be able to correct what may be physically wrong, and allow the child to live a healthy and productive life. Not because of anything we've done, but because of all of the ways God has blessed us. This information will all be available to our child, and he/she will likely come to the point where they know that it was actually because of their brokenness, in a sense, that we knew God had chosen him/her for our family. And we hope and pray that they can be thankful for being a part of our family (even if not until their teenage years are over :).

Another reason for my use of the word, and this isn't a great reason, but since I'm being as honest as I can here, I'm going to put it out there, is because this adoption is very scary to me at times. I think the unknown always has the potential to be scary - especially with something that's such a big deal. I have never really known anyone who had a really serious medical condition, especially so early in life. To think that a child that I will bring home, and fall quickly head-over-heels in love with will have to suffer, and that I will have to helplessly stand by and watch, already makes me very sad and nervous. I used to work in and around the operating room at the hospital I worked at. I remember vividly small kids being taken to surgery - taken from the safe arms of mommy and daddy and poked and prodded and whisked off into the world of the unknown - for them and their parents. Many of them cried and were very scared. And then, as they wake up from surgery, as the anesthesia is wearing off, they will cry again because they are confused and scared and physically hurting. Many of them are inconsolable, even when reunited with their parents. Though I believe the pain on both the part of the child and of Narasimha and I will be worth it, it will still be a tough situation. I tend to "joke" when I'm nervous or uncomfortable, and saying a word like "broken" for some reason takes a little of the weight and gravity of the situation away in my own mind. There is a chance that our child will need open-heart surgery. I know just enough about medicine, and Narasimha as a physician obviously knows a lot about medicine, that even though we trust God entirely with any situation, we still feel and will continue to feel scared and nervous and as the situation comes closer, and a whole host of other emotions as well.

Once again, if I have hurt your feelings by my unkind words, I am sorry. If you left the comment (for which I can truly say "thank-you" - not only for bringing it to my attention, but for giving me the opportunity to say the things I have said here, which I think are important) I hope I have cleared up what must have been going through your head.

Christian: What "brokenness" are you refusing to embrace and be thankful for in your own life, or in the life of someone close to you? What "brokenness" are you hiding from the world? How could you use that as a testimony for someone who needs to see Jesus' always unconditional saving love and grace?

If you're not a Christian - if you don't know what I am talking about in the paragraphs above - do the things I've talked about sound enticing to you? How would your life change if you knew that there was always someone who loves you, and who wants the best for you, even at your worst, most broken condition? How would you feel if you knew you could be honest with someone about all your secrets, all your baggage, and you would be loved and welcomed with open arms anyways? What would your life be like if you could lay all of you problems at the feet of Jesus by trusting in Him, and not only have a purpose and fulfillment in your time left on this earth, but also the guarantee of a mansion in heaven and a new life after death that is better than anything you'll ever get here? Questions: contact me at nkiowa@hotmail.com. Or, find a Bible, and start reading in the New Testament (Romans is a good place to start).

I hope I have accurately and selflessly become transparent enough to let you see my heart here. The perk of a blog, in my opinion, is to put yourself out there and be known. Especially to those who personally know me and read this, I hope you get a better view of not only who I am, but who Jesus Christ is making me in light of these life experiences. And, above all, I want to be an encouragement to anyone who may read this, and of course honor Jesus in my life and writing.

And to anyone - please always feel free to comment. I like getting feedback, even if you don't agree with what I say. I try always to respect the opinions of others (though as you can see here, I don't always agree), and will gladly welcome the chance to defend my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ. Even if sometimes it means I personally look like a fool in the process.