Thanks

I would like to share something I am thankful for this year. Here goes...

I am thankful for our infertility. Don't get me wrong - I am still sad, and I still want a baby as much as ever (though I am working on being ok with the very real possibility that children might not be in my future), but I am working on having a thankful heart for this and everything else I have in life, whether it feels "good" or "bad."

God loves me and promises to give me His best for me. Our infertility is a gift from God. It's tough to see it, and especially to feel it, but it is theologically true. Infertility is God's best for my life. It is a blessing. It is being used to grow me into the person God wants me to be. It enables me to serve in the areas God wants me to serve. It gives me compassion to minister to those who need compassion as only I, in my unique circumstances, can give.

It is not easy, trust me, and just this last week I have had to deal with some painful information regarding this whole infertility journey. But it's ok. And not only is it ok - it's what's best for me. And, it's hard for me to be thankful for this. But I am working on thinking this way all the time. It's a work in progress.

Thanksgiving Day was spent with my family. We were able to take one of our youth group girls with us to spend the day, and it was fun to have her around and spend time with her.

Friday we got up very early (1:30 AM) and drove to Des Moines to do Black Friday shopping. We were at the mall by 3:30, and we didn't get home until almost 6 PM. Then to dinner with friends.

It was a good weekend, fun with family and friends. Now back to the grind and getting ready for this holiday season and what's sure to be a very busy winter. Just looking at my calendar for the next few months makes my head spin.

Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving with family and friends, and hope you were able to take some time to reflect on the blessings God has given you - whether obvious or "hidden."

Thank you, Jesus, for "working all things together for good." (Romans 8:28)

Why Not IVF?

I am writing this post in response to some things that have been said to us, and also to explain why we are going almost against probably what most of the general public would do who has a similar situation with infertility and the financial means to consider fertility assistance - and definitely the field of medicine - in choosing how to expand our family, in light of our struggle with infertility, and the specific diagnosis of infertility that we have (meaning that we could likely "benefit" from fertility assistance). Also, read on if you don't know a whole lot about different measures of fertility assistance - I won't go into great detail here, but I will include links so you can read up on your own if you want.

We have heard the following comments or some sort of variation of them:

"Are you sure you don't want to try IVF - I know someone it worked for and..."

"Are you sure you aren't going to someday regret not ever trying harder to have your own child?"

"What will you do with your adopted child if you happen to get pregnant someday?"

"Are you sure you're not disappointing (Narasimha or Kristina) by not trying harder?" - asked to one of us about the other.

"Is this something your religion won't let you do?"

Yeah, I'm not kidding - people really say this stuff.

Western medicine has come a long way in helping people live longer and better lives, from transplants, to medical management, to things that aren't necessary but make people happy and "improve" lives (here I am thinking anything from liposuction to fertility assistance measures, etc.). With any perceived benefit, there is always a cost, whether it is physical, financial, or even moral.

Infertility is a somewhat flaky diagnosis, and is basically characterized by a couple who has tried to get pregnant for 1 year with no success. There is always more to it than that though - the real question is what is causing the infertility? Sometimes it is a physical problem that the man has, sometimes a physical problem that the woman has, and sometimes, both parties have problems that contribute. As you can imagine, there are many MANY things that could go wrong (or even just not quite right) with either the man or the woman making pregnancy unachievable. For a brief overview of infertility or a list of some of the most common causes of infertility, click here. Sometimes, there is nothing that can be found that is wrong with either person that would indicate why a couple is unable to conceive. Sometimes, conception is possible, but for whatever reason, the pregnancy is spontaneously (accidentally) terminated early and doesn't result in a live birth. The couple may or may not know there was ever even a pregnancy, depending on how and how early the pregnancy ended. My point here is that this subject is no simple matter.

We (one of us actually) were diagnosed with a physical problem very early in our effort to become pregnant. We looked at the facts regarding the treatment, and the risks and benefits, and decided that the affected person would have surgery to attempt to correct the problem. We decided that in our situation, we were ok with fixing our bodies to see if that would make us able to spontaneously conceive without the help of actual "fertility assistance measures." The problem that was fixed was something that was physically painful before the surgery, and is a problem that people have fixed even if they aren't having problems conceiving as a result of it (it doesn't only cause problems in aspects of fertility). The surgery was likely successful, although we don't know how successful (read here and here for a little more on our specific situation). The surgery took place over a year ago, and to date we have still not been able to get pregnant.

So there's the problem. What can medicine do for us?

There are many options, ranging a lot in how physically invasive they are, how many "moral" issues are potentially attached, and how much they cost financially.

Here's a list of some of the things we could pursue (click on the word for detailed description or read my sort-of layman's description):

Medication-Induced Hyper-Ovulation
Sometimes the woman doesn't ovulate regularly, so they give medications to make her ovulate. Sometimes they give the medications to make her ovulate more, so that each month, instead of releasing one egg, she could release several, which would hypothetically increase the odds of fertilizing an egg and then having one implant. This also increases the chance of multiple embryo implantation. There would be no way to know how many embryos would possibly implant, but it could be very many. This is likely what happened when the woman from Carlisle, Iowa, had 7 babies at one time (septuplets). This may seem obvious, but any pregnancy with more than 1 baby has increased risk, and with each additional baby, the risk increase is exponential. This leads some to consider Selective Reduction. This means aborting some of the babies. The thought is that the ones who are left will have a better chance of survival and health. It is still abortion - still the killing of babies you supposedly worked so hard to make. This also can get more morally messy when the parents do genetic testing, or find out the gender of the babies, before they decide who to get rid of. Sometimes people choose to abort the babies with problems, or by gender, and sometimes it could be random, or where the baby is attached to the uterus, etc. This medication therapy when used alone is probably the cheapest fertility assistance a person could try. I guess it could also be considered "fixing one's body" if the woman isn't ovulating (under the precept used above for my justification of the surgery we were ok with doing). However, the risks are still there, even in the "fixing one's body" scenario, to have a multiple pregnancy, which could then lead to a moral decision.

Artificial Insemination (AI) or Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI)
Sometimes used in combination with the Hyper-Ovulation medication (above) - sometimes not. This is often used as a first-line therapy, and is quite a bit financially cheaper, and less physically painful, than IVF which I will talk about next. This is where the doctors have some of the man's sperm, and they will often "wash" it to get the good ones out, and they put the good sperm directly into the woman's uterus. The timing with the woman's monthly cycle is precise, and it gets the sperm closer to where it needs to get to for the couple to become pregnant. There are still downfalls to the process. I would still consider the pregnancy to have been achieved in the doctor's office, but there is more left to nature, like the union of the sperm and the egg, and the embryo's growth, survival and implantation in the uterus.

In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with embryo transfer
This is a very complex process, and quite invasive and expensive. Not to mention often full of moral questions. This process starts with the woman giving herself daily injections to induce hyper-ovulation which can be timed very precisely. Kind-of the same as the medications listed above, but I think different in some aspects that I don't know. Then the woman has to go to the doctor's office and they put her to sleep and pull the eggs out of her ovaries with a long needle before they are released into the fallopian tubes. Then they take the man's sperm and mix the eggs and the sperm together, and hope that some of them will hook up and form embryos. This is in the lab - and where they get the term "test tube baby." Then they "grow" the embryos that result out for a few days, to see which ones survive. After that, they pick the healthiest one(s) (and they can even do genetic testing on these embryos to find problems/gender), and finally, they put these little week-or-so old embryos straight into the woman's uterus, where they will hopefully latch on and grow to be babies. This process, as it would seem, has moral issues everywhere. First, the doctors take from the woman as many eggs as they can, which could probably be anywhere from several to 30 or even sometimes 40+. Then, they basically try to fertilize all of them, and see what happens. It is feasible that half of those could fertilize, so now you have 25-20 embryos (early stage babies). Now it is likely that some of them will die in the growing out process, and often they have to freeze them to wait for the right time in the woman's cycle to transfer to the uterus, and some will probably die then or in the unfreezing process too. But say somehow after growing and freezing/thawing you still have 10 viable embryos (which is potentially very realistic and possible, and could be more or less depending on each situation). The doctors won't put any more than 2-3 in at a time, and then you could still end up with twins/triplets if they all latch on (we know or know of people who have had singles, twins, and triplets with this process). So even if you put 3 in, you still have 7 left from your 10. Now what to do with those leftover embryos? Well, you can keep having babies until yours are all used up (and then you have to pay for the freezer space in a lab to keep your frozen babies until you are ready for them) and potentially end up with lots and lots of kids. You could dump them in the trash can, which as far as I'm concerned is no better than abortion. You could adopt them out, which is becoming more popular and is called Snowflake Babies. Now sometimes you don't have so many embryos to think about - I know of a couple who by the time the growing out and unfreezing was finished, they had 2 (and only 2) very healthy embryos that they implanted and ended up having twins 9 months later (actually like 8 months because the babies were premature which is the most common complication of pregnancy with multiples). But, this extra embryo situation does happen often enough that you have to have a plan that you have to tell your doctors before they will even start the process of IVF with you.

Intracytoplasmic Sperm Implantation (ICSI) - See link for IVF
Even farther on the spectrum of IVF, and more expensive. This is when your sperm and eggs won't unite on their own for whatever reason when they mix them together in the test tube, so the doctors actually pick a single sperm and shove it into the egg to get the embryo.

Donors
People also have the option of using donors for almost any part of the process - anywhere from donor eggs, to donor sperm, to borrowed uterus (also called a surrogate). This can get very morally sticky, and in the case of using a surrogate, even legally sticky by means of custody, etc. The potential for problems and miscommunications are endless. Not to mention expensive and risky, based on your personal preferences as a parent.

There is so so so much more - this is hardly the tip of the iceberg. But hopefully it gives you an idea of the scope of what's possible, and what those who are interested in pursuing the options have to consider.

Now that we know the options, lets get personal - why not fertility assistance for us?

If my dramatic portrayal of the risks involved didn't indicate well enough how I feel, here it is: I don't think that the potential risks are worth the potential benefits. Said again: the things that could go wrong, and how much that would cost (physically, emotionally, financially, morally) do not outweigh the benefits in my mind.

Another reason: A fellow (Christian) blogger who also suffers from infertility said it this way (not a direct quote, but this is the gist of it): "I don't want to take something that is beautiful and natural and created by God (the act of making a baby) and turn it into a sterile lab procedure." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Another reason: Why does adoption have to be a last resort? "Oh, I tried EVERYTHING and nothing worked, so I guess we have to adopt to get a child." I don't want to look at my adopted child and think "We could have done better." I bet if you ask those who have adopted children, no matter their reason for the adoption, (a group I soon hope to be a part of) they would say that they love and own that child as much as anyone who physically births a baby. I will choose to take a proactive and positive approach to loving my child, no matter how God chooses to give him or her to me. Adoption is a special way of making people into a family, and in my mind is something to be embraced and celebrated. Love is a choice, not a feeling - ask anyone who is happily married. Although not a concept endorsed by our society, I firmly believe that the Bible teaches this.

Another reason: I have said this before, and will say it again. If God wants us to be pregnant, we will be. He doesn't need the help of medical professionals for us to add to our family. There is a child (or hopefully children) out there who God has intended for our family. Whether sitting in an orphanage in India, or in our bodies waiting to be conceived, or waiting to be conceived through someone else that we could someday adopt - I don't care who or where - if God allows the process, whatever it entails, for us to acquire children, then I will feel blessed and be thankful for it.

Another reason: Though these fertility assistance methods have been tested and improved upon over the years, there is certainly never a guarantee. Financially speaking, these can be anywhere from kind-of expensive to you-only-have-enough-money-to-do-this-once-and-even-then-you-just-drained-your-retirement-account expensive. And even then, you could end up with no baby. I have heard countless stories where people spend every dime they have, and put second mortgages on their houses, etc., and at the end of the day, they are still not mommies and daddies. I am much too cheap to take that kind of a risk. Also of note: people who choose to pursue these things get little or no help from insurance, so somehow have to come up with the funds for this on their own. In my mind, money spent here could just as well be invested for a future college tab, or a bunch of trips to India, or any number of other things.

If I haven't somehow answered the questions above yet, I will do so now.

"Are you sure you don't want to try IVF - I know someone it worked for and..."
IVF is an amazing thing, and I am sure it has made countless families very happy. I am happy for those who are happy because of it. I personally know people who have done this, and who it worked for, and they have the most precious and beautiful children as a result. It is still not something I am willing to do. To clarify: we are not saying our choice is right for everyone. At the end of the day, each person has to be able to accept decisions they have made. We all have different ways of looking at things.

"Are you sure you aren't going to someday regret not ever trying harder to have your own child?"
Two answers to this one. First, we aren't going to stop trying to have a biological baby. We will keep doing everything we can do - 2 people in the confines of a bedroom - to become pregnant. I still hope and pray that this will happen for us someday. If it doesn't, I will be thankful for whatever (whomever) God provides. And second, any adopted child we have is OUR child. As much as any biological child we may someday have.

"What will you do with your adopted child if you happen to get pregnant someday?"
Um, duh, love it, and care for it, and punish it, and teach it, and buy it stuff, and play with it, and make it mad, and make it happy, and let it make me mad, and let it make me happy, and laugh with it, and cry with it, and dream about it's future, and celebrate with it, and celebrate its part in our family, and hopefully one day lead it to Christ...I'm sure there's more. And, tell it to say that "At least Mom and Dad chose me - they got stuck with you!" if the biological child ever gave the adopted child grief about being adopted. :)

"Are you sure you're not disappointing (Narasimha or Kristina) by not trying harder?"
We are 2 adults who are happily married and very much want the best for each other before ourselves individually. This is a decision that has been made to be the best, not for either of us individually, but for both of us together and as a family. This decision has not been made without much conversation and prayer, and many moments of sadness and tears about our missing children, and many moments of hope and happiness looking forward to what lies ahead for our family. This is no small decision and we do not take it lightly. May I encourage you that unless you have been "there" (whether "there" is infertility, dealing with sick family members, personal problems, financial difficulties, etc.) don't give advice to people who are dealing with "there" - just be encouraging. And if you can't do that, don't say anything at all. I am not saying that you are not allowed to lovingly raise important issues that may not have been considered/discussed. But if the people directly involved say "Yup, I've thought of that and I'm willing to deal with it," then believe them and let it go.

"Is this something your religion won't let you do?"
My religion isn't Baptist (although that's what it says on the church we attend) - my religion is being a follower of Jesus Christ, or "Christian." The Christian handbook is the Bible, and no, it doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that "Thou shall not do IVF." You can look - it's not in there. Through the Bible, however, we can learn Christian principles, and learn to know God better, and through those things we can feel like we are making decisions that would best please God. Though I don't think that fertility assistance measures necessarily fall under the category of black and white "sin" I think there are a lot of issues in fertility assistance that do count as "sin" and then a lot of gray area. I personally try to look at Christian living on a good-better-best continuum. Maybe before "good" would be not necessarily sin, but not good. That is where I would personally, especially for my life, place IVF. And then you have to be careful, because there are so many things that could push you into the "sin" category. I don't know why, with so many homeless children out there, I would make myself face these tough choices when I can get a child without doing so. I know from the Bible that God loves me and wants me to be happy, as a child of His. I also know He wants me to trust Him unconditionally for everything I want and need. I also know that if I wait and do things His way rather than try on my own, I will be much happier and more at peace with any outcome that happens (interesting Biblical parallel - read in Genesis 16 about Abraham and Sarah's infertility, and what they did about it, and how that turned out). I will choose to wait. Waiting doesn't mean doing nothing, and it doesn't necessarily mean not exploring options. I believe that adoption is in a sense taking things in our own hands. The difference here is that there isn't really anything about it that is "sin," and if we approach it prayerfully and still asking for God's blessing, we can have peace that this is what He intends for our family. My God is a God of love, and He wants us to manifest His love unconditionally, and adoption is one way I believe we can do that, and make Him happy and still get what we want, which is a family.

Yikes, that's a lot of info for one post. This will probably be about the last time I talk about fertility assistance - I just wanted to set the record straight. My identity will continue to be defined by infertility, and also now as an (potential) adoptive parent. I know this is long - I hope it was helpful for you, no matter how much you know about infertility or issues surrounding it.

May Narasimha and I continue to want to please our God more than anyone else, and may God be honored by this issue of infertility/adoption in our lives.

Puzzling Results - A Follow-up

This post is a follow-up to a post I wrote back in November regarding some puzzling post-operative test results we received regarding our infertility. We have had more tests to get to the bottom of what was/is going on, and the result is that we still don't know. We have now been to 4 different institutions, to see whose results were close to each other, and what seemed more believable and reliable, and after all 4 different places, we still have no clear-cut answers. Basically, two places have values that are similar to each other, and the other two places have values that are similar to each other, but the gap in the 2 and 2 values is huge, and not at all consistent.

The moral of the story: it doesn't really matter. We are still not pregnant, and that is the bottom line. It never did matter - I just wanted to see if someone was blatantly lying to us (specifically: the institution that performed the surgery).

No matter what the test results: we still could get pregnant someday. Modern medicine, in either scenario, would tell us that we will need some sort of fertility assistance to get pregnant. The difference there is what sort of assistance we would likely need - also a mute point since we have decided against that.

So, my conclusion: medicine is a science, but also sometimes a quack (maybe more often than not - who knows - another mute point). And my inner cynic comes to the surface :)

Wait on the Lord

Yesterday's sermon was a blessing, and I am really glad we braved the weather and made it, even if only for part of it. We got a call when we were getting ready and they said they were only doing one service (instead of Sunday School and Morning Worship) and that it was going to be in the middle of those two regular times. So, since we were planning on being on time to Morning Worship, we were going to be late. We finished getting ready very quickly, and then drove very slowly on the ice and blowing snow covered roads, and made it in about the middle of the service.

I think the title of the message must have been something like "Power in Christ." He directed us to Isaiah 40, which is a passage I have come to know well and really love, especially in light of our struggle with infertility. About the time I found out we were "infertile" I found this passage and spent a lot of time just reading, meditating, and processing the words of the passage (see my very lengthy initial thoughts here). Pastor was talking yesterday about how if we wait on the Lord, we can find our power through Christ in this way. That immediately took my mind to 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, which has also been a cherished passage to me, almost in the same breath as Isaiah 40:31. Actually, I listed the 2 Corinthians passage as the memory verse of the week (see sidebar) a week or so ago. Kinda funny - 2 Corinthians is where Pastor directed us next as well, and then to several other passages in mostly the New Testament (one of which is 2 Timothy 1:7 - which I am listing as the memory verse of the week this week).

It has been some time now that we have not been able to conceive. We have had differing reports regarding potential future success being able to ever conceive (from a medical perspective). Basically, we have come to the place where we try not to think about what medicine tells us is possible. We know that the God of the universe is able, without the help of modern medicine, to give us a baby (or child) in His time and His way. Even knowing this, sometimes it is harder than hard to be patient and remember that Someone much more powerful and in control than myself has this all under His plan. He understands my pain and frustration and sadness, and at the same time He has a plan for this situation. If we chose to joyfully wait on Him, we will be able to experience true peace that comes from God alone, and someday, we will have whatever His perfect plan has in store for our lives.

On the way home from church yesterday, Narasimha said that the service just confirmed in his mind our decision from the beginning to reject medical intervention for getting pregnant. After the service I just felt encouraged - it didn't really bring up anything I haven't thought before, but with our new adoption options, and more time spent missing motherhood, I just felt refreshed and reminded that this is in no accident, but is absolutely God's individualized and perfect plan for our lives.

In case you are reading this and don't have a Bible at your fingertips, I'd like to type the passages listed above...

Isaiah 40:28-31 Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. (NKJV)

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (NKJV)

Almost More Than I Can Take

In the last 2 days, we have visited 3 orphanages here in Hyderabad. I had mentioned it back in December to the girls as something we might be able to do during our time in Hyderabad, and they both thought it sounded like something they'd be interested in doing- as a way to get a sort-of comprehensive rather than just tourist view of India. I knew it would be tough - with the whole infertility thing in mind - but back then I had empty faces of children in my head - those who I might meet, where now I have beautiful little faces looking back at me when I close my eyes. Faces who are sad and searching, and very lonely. Faces who are timid to shake your hand but brighten at just a smile or pat on the back. It was hard, but I don't know that it was any harder than I thought it would be. I expected before I went that it would "hurt" to see so many kids in a situation like that, infertile or not.

The first one we went to was a private orphanage for females only. The girls there ranged from 4-16 years, and I think they currently have 76 residents. We went right as the younger girls were getting back from school. As a formality we talked to the headmaster for a while, who answered questions we thought of. He told us what we already suspected - most of the girls there had parents who had died, or who had to give them up because they were too poor to feed them. Here the girls have the luxury (and I'm not kidding) of sleeping inside, receiving medical care, going to school, eating regularly, and not being on the streets and begging for money or food. After talking to the adults, they took us into a small meeting room where they put all 5 of us (Narasimha, my sister, her friend, Narasimha's brother, and me) in chairs at the front of an assembly-type room, with all the kids seated in perfect rows in front of us. I think I counted around 40 girls. First they sang a few songs for us (religious Hindu, and in a language I couldn't understand), and then they went around and each and every one of them stood up and said their name and year in school. The littlest ones were closest to the front. Then we got a tour of the facilities. It was nice. The rooms were clean, although no air conditioning. After our tour we got to go out into the front yard where many of them were playing (again, just the younger ones that we had seen in the assembly hall - I think the older girls may still have been at school). We got to take pictures and I shook hands with many of them, and said "Namaste" which is "Hello." I asked the headmaster (who seemed like a simple but kind man) if the girls there get adopted out. He said no, almost never. I was talking to my sister about this, and she said it might be almost better that way. She has a point. Many people when adopting don't want such old kids, and if the kids don't expect to be adopted, then they won't be disappointed, or place their personal worth on who gets chosen faster or who has to wait, etc. I have parts of the moving "Annie" running through my head (which I wouldn't recommend watching necessarily if you've never seen it - it isn't as good without someone there to distract you and fast-forward through the yucky scenes like my mom did when I was little and watched it) where the girls in that orphanage think only the pretty girls get permanent homes, and the rest of the girls feel bad about themselves. Seems like a really terrible popularity contest. Anyways, all things considered, it was a decent place, and so much better for these girls than living on the streets. Past residents of the facility have even been married off, and it seems like the people who run the place are pretty protective of the girls who are marrying and cognizant of relevant issues, etc. I think overall the organization was reputable and I felt good leaving with the girls playing tag and other games together and running and laughing in the background. One more issue of note: the orphanage was a strictly Hindu facility.

...

This 6-foot-tall picture is a Hindu god that greets you as you first enter the orphanage.

The (younger) girls enjoy a snack after school.

This is beside the building, and is where the little girls bathe each night. They have to do it here because they don't have room enough inside, and the workers need to keep a close eye on the littlest ones to make sure they get clean, and don't get infections or skin problems.

A few of the girls were playing a game with small rocks, throwing them in their hands. I don't know what it was, but it looked like they had played many times before.

The front yard, where they were running and playing tag. It seemed like they all got along and had fun together.

...

The second place we visited was right after the first. It was about a mile away, and this was a facility for boys. The age range of the boys was 5-13 yrs I think, and there were less than 20 residents. We first met the man who ran the place and talked for a few minutes. We then repeated the assembly hall thing from the last place, but this time we all sat on the floor in a straight line with all the boys in a single straight line in opposite us. They sang us some songs, and then introduced themselves and their grade in school as well. Then the headmaster man picked out a few kids and had them recite some specific things for us. The second little guy who got "picked on" was just adorable, and quite ironically had on a shirt that said something about "mum and dad." He was 5, and quite short, and his name was Ramu. Also, he had recently stepped on a nail so he had a bandaged foot and was unable to bear weight on that foot. He sang songs for us like "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "ABC" and a few other English songs. I don't know if he knew what he was saying, but he did well and it was cute. Looking at his sad face and listening to him recite these things brought tears to my eyes. I did not get such good "vibes" about this place. First, the headmaster had this mad-scientist look to him, and he creeped me out. Plus, it didn't seem like the boys liked him much - almost like they were afraid of him. These boys, like the first place, have no expectation of being adopted. This place is also exclusively Hindu.

Little Ramu reciting something for us - he's the guy with the hurt foot :(

The dining room.

An activity they do at the end of every day to lower the flag (I think what you're seeing is the equivalent of our saluting).

...
Neither of these places had babies and I wanted to know why, and I also wanted to see some babies. At the first place we asked why there were no babies/toddlers. They told us that the government keeps all babies at a government-run (as opposed to private like the 2 I have already mentioned) orphanage. I am sure this is to make sure there is no illegal selling of babies for adoption on the private level. The government orphanage is where young kids go - I think if they are under 4 when they first come to the orphanage then they go to the government one. If they don't get adopted out by the time they are between 4- to 6-years-old, then they are transferred to a private orphanage like ones we visited (there are of course many more than just the 2) or if there is no space in any of them, into a juvenile home of sorts, which we heard is not as good. From what I have gathered, they do not have a foster system here. We asked my brother-in-law to call this baby orphanage and see if we could get a tour. He called, and there were some hoops to jump through. We had to get special permission from a certain lady, and she wasn't answering her phone. So we took off for our day not really expecting much. We were almost to our first place (we were going to an art gallery) when "the lady" called us back. She said if we wanted, we could come right then. So we turned around and headed to see the babies.

The lady who called us to come was there when we got there. She was kind and answered all of our questions. She said that all the babies who do not have health, physical, or mental problems get adopted out right away - they get several thousand applications per year, from Indians and others. Apparently any child under age 3 is easy to adopt out (as long as they are free from the aforementioned problems). After the 3rd birthday, or with problems, is hard(er). We then got to tour the building. The first room we went into was for babies under 6 months. There were probably at least 40 babies. Many of these were probably awaiting placement (that made it more bearable to see all of them). We weren't allowed to take pics at this facility at all (unfortunately, though I can understand why), but we were allowed to touch the kids. The babies did not feel the effects of our language gap. I leaned over several of the awake babies and smiled and waved my fingers in front of their faces and told them what pretty girls they were (they were almost all girls - boys are in higher demand), and they all smiled so big. I picked one little girl up and talked to her, and she promptly stuck her tongue out at me through her grin - so cute! I bet we spent 20 mins in just that room. The room was clean and fairly well-staffed. No unsettling cries going unanswered (for which I was thankful). We continued our tour and went to many other rooms. I saw kids that looked healthy, some with visible umbilical hernias, a little girl with beautiful eyes and an unfixed cleft palate, and several children who were very small for their said age who the lady said had cardiac issues. Their faces all lit up when they saw us, and they ran toward us and huddled around as we talked and toured. One little girl who was 7 and very small and thin for her age due to a heart problem grabbed my hand and ran her hand all the way up my arm to my shoulder, and then just stood there an looked at me, smiling. I shook many slimy hands. I held my tears back several times, though the closest I came to actually crying was when a little boy who was probably 2 or 3 pushed and sprinted through all the other kids around us and ran straight to Narasimha and grabbed onto N's leg in the biggest little boy bear hug, and then held on tight with this adorable goofy grin. It was so sweet but almost more than I could take. We finished our tour and saw many of the 190 or so kids in probably around an hour. Narasimha asked the lady many questions about the adoption process, all of which she patiently answered. We now feel quite well-informed. Narasimha finally asked me if I was ready to go, and I said no, that I wanted to stay and play all day, but ok.

On the way out we stopped at a separate govt office and picked up an adoption application, and asked more questions. I will post more about the beginning of our adoption journey later, but at this point I think it is safe to say that it has started, even if it barely has at this point.

Another "Special" Day

My birthday was this week - another year older. I am getting to the age where that's no longer always a great thing :) Narasimha gets off work early every Wednesday, so we celebrated then. He came home and asked me to sit in our room while he set up my surprise. A few minutes later, he called me out. There was an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen (his specialty :) with all this fire on top. So I blew out the candles and we had a piece of (yummy) cake - he knows that I love it. Then, he gave me my gift. I got a nice brown purse which I have had my eye on.

I really do like it - he did a great job of buying the one I showed him on the internet :) Then, I got to pick where we went for supper. I don't think we have had a good Indian meal since we moved in June, and I was really craving it. So I asked him if we could go all the way to Des Moines and have some Indian food. Of course he didn't say no :) So we went to a restaurant I have never eaten at before - the ambiance was better than most of the Indian restaurants that we have been to (seems like many Indian restaurants, especially the ones where the food is good, have that hole-in-the-wall sort of feel).

The food was good - one of the dishes that we got - mutton (lamb) biriyani - was delicious! I am so happy there are leftovers. Then, on the way home, we stopped at my parents' house and I got to hear happy birthday from most of my family in person. That was the fun part of my birthday.

The other part was the night before. We were watching TV, and my anatomy book was sitting on the couch (I just finished a course where I used it), so I started flipping through it. I went to the chapter on embryology, and then to the chapter on the reproductive system, and it got me thinking about pregnancy. First - how amazing the process is, and how little babies wouldn't be born, with the intricacies of the process, by chance and science alone (God's work is amazing!). Second - how this has not yet happened to me. Then I started counting, and realized it has been 18 months of unsuccessful trying for us. Which I know, some people have tried lots longer than that, but it made me sad for us thinking about it.

We have come to the point in our journey where nearly every happy occasion is met with the happiness that is supposed to be felt, and also by an underlying sense of sadness, missing the little person who you want to be there celebrating with you, but isn't. I came to another birthday without a bassinette at the foot of our bed, and without ever experiencing a midnight feeding. Now, I know this is God's plan for us, and I am ok with that, or at least I try to be. But sometimes in my selfishness of wanting my plan to happen, I just want a baby. So I went to bed feeling pretty sad. God has been good when it comes to my attention. For how much I want this to happen, I really don't think about it all that much. And when I do, it is generally positive and passing. But that night, as I was laying there feeling more and more sad, I felt the tears well up. Narasimha had already fallen asleep, so I was trying to be quiet. I started crying, and this wasn't a watching-a-sad-movie, single-tear sort of cry. This was one of those cries where your whole body literally aches, and you feel your sadness deeper in your soul than you knew it could be - a visceral sort of grief that seems to make you hurt from the inside out. Most of the time I stop myself from crying about my missing baby, but this time I let it take me, and I took a moment and really grieved my coming to another year without my baby by my side. And when it was all over, I felt a little better. Obviously nothing has changed, but like, ok, so I can still take this because God wants me to and because I really don't have a choice.

There are things about this journey that I am so thankful for, and I don't even know that I would necessarily "undo" our infertility if given the chance - although one day I do hope it resolves. I will talk about the things I am thankful for another day - I think today's post is long enough.

Thoughts on Fostering

I was looking at my calendar this morning and realized that it was one year ago today that Narasimha and I attended an informational meeting about foster care. We knew at the time that having biological children could take a while for us, and we were not yet ready (and still really aren't) to start looking into adoption very seriously. We were, and are, waiting to see if God has biological children in our future. So we did some thinking, and foster care came up.

We know that foster care wouldn't be easy - many have warned us that it's not exactly a cakewalk. The kids often come from less than loving and nurturing situations, and often still have unwavering allegiance to the people they are being taken from. We have heard (from people who know first-hand) that this can be very frustrating. Also, many of the kids come from all kinds of abusive situations, which just adds to the baggage.

So...why bother with this? Our first thought was: why does it have to be about us? Why does it have to be easy or fun for us? Why can't it be about us giving of ourselves - our time, love, resources, etc., to someone who can't or won't give back? Who's to say that any biological children we would have, or children we would adopt, wouldn't tax us in some ways. I know there were times when I certainly gave my parents a run for their money.

We also feel like we have so much to give. We want to share what we have and help those in need. We both have backgrounds (work and education) that make us probably more qualified and ready than most people who are successful foster parents to be able to do this well - very little surprises us anymore. Not that we would be perfect by any means, but we could be stable and loving. From what I have heard, these two things are more than most kids in the system can count on.

Plus, sometimes we just think it would be fun to get kids in our home. Borrow someone else's while we wait, and hopefully help a family in the process. People who foster have the opportunity to work with the child(ren) and family to help figure out what works to get everyone living safely under the same roof again. With my own personal interest in eventually counseling, that work with "integration" sounds like something I would enjoy.

So, back to the meeting. We showed up, and our first question was if we would even be able to, with Narasimha not being a citizen. We sat through the meeting, and were still interested, and talked to the woman at the end about our concern. She said she didn't know about citizenship issues, but she thought (and I had already thought) that maybe I could be a foster parent, and Narasimha could get certified as another adult living in the home. Kinda like if people are foster parents, and like one of the foster parent's parents lives with them, they still have to do a background check, and a sex offender check on that person. They have to do checks on any adult living in the home. So we thought maybe that would work. The only thing the woman said was that Narasimha wouldn't be able to keep the kids for the overnights by himself. He could watch them for a few hours at a time by himself, like for a few hours in an evening, but not for a whole night. That didn't bother us, because we almost never spend the nights separately - especially where I would be the one to leave. Sometimes he leaves when he is on call, but that wouldn't be against the rule. So we thought it would maybe work.

We went home and sent in the paperwork. A lady called us back and I told her about our situation with the citizenship. She said she would look into it. In a few days she called back, and said that no, we wouldn't be able to do foster care until Narasimha had his green card (which is still several years off, in our situation). Narasimha is currently, and always has been, here legally. I asked her if she had looked into the scenario we thought - me be the official "parent" and him be another adult living in the home. She said that since we were married, that can't work. If a couple is married, they both have to be certified foster parents. Our scenario, she said, would work if we were living together and not married. Then both people don't have to be certified foster parents (and maybe can't be certified as a couple, who knows). I also know that same-sex couples (who obviously aren't married) are allowed to foster.

So we basically had to forget about that. It's ok - it's obviously not God's plan for our family right now. At the same time, I felt really frustrated. I felt like (once again) our society is attacking the Biblically-defined institution of marriage. Basically, we want to and are able to give of ourselves in this way, but the government won't let us because we are married, where if we were unmarried (or homosexual) and living together, we would be rewarded.

I have heard that there might be ways for us to do foster care in this county - when we moved, we changed counties, and I heard that the county we came from might be more strict. I haven't looked into that. I have also heard that there are independent foster care opportunities. I don't know anything about that, but when things slow down a bit, we might check into that route.

So, today I am remembering foster children in my prayers. Their struggles, situations, and the families they are coming from. And, with the above criteria, even the families they are placed into. I have known many foster kids from my previous job, and my heart goes out to those displaced children - now during the holiday season and everyday they live their lives essentially in limbo.

Puzzling Results

We had a follow-up test from a surgery that happened about a year ago, relating to our infertility struggle. The results are puzzling. The test showed way more improvement than we were anticipating, which is great, but also hard to believe. The results we got last week would honestly be nothing short of a miracle, which we know God is more than capable of doing, so we are hesitantly excited. God is good, but at this point it looks also like some kind of human error has played into the picture. We think we are going to follow-up with another facility to see what is going on. If the results are correct as they were reported, then glory to God for working a real miracle in our lives - maybe pregnancy isn't so far off after all, which at this point remains still a very big "maybe."

Introduction

Over the course of the last few years, our lives have changed in ways I never would have imagined. We got married a few years ago, which has been wonderful. I always knew I wanted to get married, and it has been all and more than I ever dreamed it would be. I married a man with demographics different from my own, but all of those differences have made for surprises and excitement that I am so thankful to have in my life. I love the country/culture he came from and I know that without him in my life I wouldn't have a chance to experience both of those things in the way that I have been able to with him. Some of the life changes that have been most difficult to overcome have been presented to us in the last two years.

Moving
We knew from the time we got married that there was a good chance that we probably wouldn't be able to stay in I-town forever. My husband, as a foreign national, has visa requirements from the US Government that he has to fulfill (his being married to me - a US citizen - does not remove the requirements). One of these requirements was to return to his home country once his training was finished in I-town. We went back and forth with this, but decided at this time in our lives it would be easier to stay in the States, so he applied for a waiver to get out of moving back to India. His waiver was granted, but the terms of the waiver say that he has to work in an "underserved" area for 3 years. I-town does not count as underserved, but M-town does. So he accepted a job in M-town and we moved here.

M-town has been an adjustment. Narasimha loves his job and his coworkers. Everyone in the community has been wonderful and always very nice. For those who are from Iowa know that I-town has much more to do, but we don't "do" very much so we don't really even miss that aspect all that much. As far as that goes, our biggest disappointment is now that the closest Indian restaurant is now about an hour away, instead of 5 minutes.

We are, however, mourning the loss of a few things. First: people. We miss our friends very much. We have started to make new and very nice friends in M-town, but we still miss the people who became like our family while we were in I-town. Second: church. We really really miss our church (and of course many of the people we knew from church). This is the place where I, for the first time in my life, started to really grow as a Christian and realize what the process of sanctification entails. This is also the place where Narasimha came to Christ, obeyed by following in believers' baptism, and also grew as a Christian man from a primarily Hindu background. We also got married and celebrated our first 3 anniversaries while at this church. The people at this church also loved and supported us through the other change in our lives that I was going to mention...

Infertility
We have known now for over a year that we are going to have a more difficult time than most couples do trying to get pregnant, and that is if it ever happens. We have wanted to get pregnant for even longer than that. It has been at times a rough road, but we have learned a lot, and I believe that we are closer now as a couple than we ever would have been without this trial. God is good and has shown us so much.

I am going to add something to the end of this post that I wrote a few days after my first Mother's Day as one half of a "primary infertile" couple (what the medical community calls people who can't conceive and never have or never have been able to). Some of my feelings may have changed slightly since May, but there have been no major changes to our family status/planning since then (pregnancy, adoption, foster care, etc).

Here goes:

Mother's Day 2007 came and went as we appreciated our mothers - their love, their sacrifices, their friendship. I personally had been inwardly dreading Mother's Day for a few weeks before - nothing too averse, just a yucky feeling in the bottom of my stomach as it got closer and closer. I never really even thought much about it (my aversion, that is), but the thing I did know was that I didn't really want to go to church that morning, especially since I knew I'd be going alone - Narasimha had to work. For those who don't know, Narasimha and I have been trying to conceive for about a year now, with no success. What an interesting, and almost dehumanizing, problem. Something that you always imagine is supposed to come so naturally. Our doctor told us (and I have read) how really scientific and impossible the miracle of life is to begin. But then you hear of drunk teenagers losing their virginity and winding up with pregnant with twins, and you think, now how was that scientific? Narasimha and I have definitely done our grieving, as at this point we both feel a very real sense of loss, although the way we feel continues to evolve. There was the denial, the anger (which, in our case came more as a sense of judgment on those who can have children - those who in our eyes aren't nearly as qualified for parenting as we could be), and a whole range of other thoughts and emotions. I have cried more tears and felt more alone, and more sorry for myself, than I ever have before over any one issue. Parenthood is something I have been dreaming of my whole life. Some little girls dream of their wedding, or their prince in shining armor (I had/have both of these, and they were/are great, but those were never the things I dreamed about). I dreamed about being a Mommy, for about as long as I can remember. I dream(ed) about spending my days answering silly questions, and cleaning applesauce out of someone's hair, and passing my idiosyncrasies on to another little person (and there are lots, as everyone who knows me well, knows :). But now all this is passed. I can't say that I am not still sad - I am. With any great tragedy (and I don't want to claim a catastrophic-level tragedy, but for those who can imagine, or for those of us who have been here, this situation does seem and feel very personally "tragic" on many levels) there is a lesson to be learned. I would like to share some of what I have learned.

First, I serve a great God, who loves me, and Narasimha, very much. There is much evidence of this in our lives, every single day.

Second, one of the attributes of this God that I have come to appreciate so much is His supreme sovereignty in my life. Part of getting over the anger/judgment I explained above was realizing and meditating on this specific attribute. God promises us in Isaiah 55:8-9: "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Just because I don't "get" something, or things don't make sense to me, that's ok, they don't have to. If I trust God, and I do, then I can trust that He knows what is best for me, and ultimately what is necessary for His glory to be worked through my life.

Third, God has a plan for me, and for us as a couple. We believe that this plan involves children. The reason we wanted to have children is because we want them - we love each other and I think that children are sort of a natural progression of the love/marriage/family thing that we do (we in a universal/cultural sense). We also want to have children because we believe that in that way we would be serving/submitting to God's plan in our lives as we would do our best to raise these little people to fear and love the Lord as we do, and that they would also be evidence of the fruit of the Spirit in other aspects of our lives. Psalm 127:3 says "Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward." Our every desire would be to raise our children to be lovers and followers of Jesus, as we both very much are. We have talked about the "how" of raising our children. Things we do and don't think are acceptable, traditions we want to start/keep, and the way we want to incorporate God into our lives as a family, among, of course, many many other things. God has really showed us a need, and laid on our hearts, a burden for children who aren't ours in a biological sense. We have looked into both adoption and foster care, and at this point we believe that even if we are able to eventually conceive, we will still pursue one or both of these things sometime in the future. We haven't done much about either at this point, as we are still strictly waiting on God, but we have so much love to give and so many resources to share, and we want to do all we can with all the blessings God has given us.

Fourth, we believe that God is using this in our lives. There are many ways this is being carried out. We feel he is using this to stretch/grow us into the kind of people who trust completely on Him. This is not easy, as by our nature we are generally prideful and always attempting to be self-sufficient people. The verses II Corinthians 12:9-10 have been so encouraging to me: "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." How peaceful to know that when I give up on my own strength, Christ will take over and I will have His perfect strength operating in my life, rather than whatever the best is that I can do myself (which, as I have found by experience, is nothing compared to what Christ can and will do for me if I will just let Him).

We also feel that He is testing our reliance on His perfect provision, and our patience to wait upon His timing. This has manifested itself partly in our rejection of medical interventions. We have been offered different fertility-assistance measures - IVF, IUI, etc. I won't go into details here (but would be happy to answer questions for those who are interested) but there are things that the medical community can do to help people conceive (and with our situation, these things would likely, according to medicine, work). To clarify, we don't have a problem with either of these procedures, on a fundamental level (as we do have a problem with abortion on any level). There are ways to do either of these medical interventions without compromising human/embryonic life, although doing so with that level of integrity will often increase the end price (financially and even physically) to become pregnant. We believe that the way we could best honor God right now in our lives and situation, and show our trust/faith in His ability to do as much and in reality much more than the science of fertility medicine, is to wait on His perfect timing. Isaiah 40:31 says "But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." God can, and has, and will continue to give us the strength we need to wait on His timing. So we have decided to not take this route of medical intervention, and never say never, but we don't believe this will ever be something we will consider.

Finally, not lastly, but the last I will talk about here, is how little my life is about me. God did not create me that I might be happy or be fulfilled. God created me for His pleasure. I am learning to forget about my perceived "rights." I don't have any - I don't have the right to be happy, or the right to get my own way, or in this case the right to bear a child. What I do deserve for who I am (a sinner) is separation from God forever, as a result of my sin. God has given me eternal life, since I believe in Jesus and that Jesus is who the Bible says He is and that He did what the Bible said He did. And I do believe that God gives us so many blessings each day, even though I don't deserve them (I personally have countless blessings in my life). But God doesn't have to do anything, and He certainly doesn't have to entertain my notions of what I think would be best in my life. God will do with my life what He deems best for His Kingdom and the furtherance of His gospel, and I am learning to be not only okay with that, but be thankful for being a part, even in my suffering, of His plan. The fact that He has chosen to use me in my brokenness is a blessing in my life. In Philippians 1:12-13, the Apostle Paul is talking about his own personal hardships (and any of us who think we have life rough could probably look as Paul's life and realize our problems pale in comparison) and he says: "But I want you to know, brothers, that the things which happened to me have actually turned out for the furtherance of the gospel...my chains are in Christ." He means that his suffering, no matter how bad, has been for the good of Christ. I believe the same applies to my life.

So back to Mother's Day. I did go to church that morning (alone). Church was fine - I got a sympathetic but encouraging card from a special friend, and another close friend gave me a carnation that was intended for mothers of the church as a gift during the service that morning (and I got a few hugs :). I was fighting back tears during the "Mother's Day" part of the service, but it was brief, and I was okay. When the service was finished, I chatted with friends and then took off for home to see my hubby. The radio station we listen to had a beautiful CD playing (they don't broadcast live during Sunday morning), and it was popular hymns played by piano alone. I really love music, and if one thing is able to evoke my emotions, music is it. The song "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing" came on, and that was it, I bawled all the way home. I don't know what it was about that song that got me going. I know it from singing it in church over the years, but it has never been my favorite (How Great Thou Art is probably my personal favorite since I was very young). But at that moment, it really touched my heart. That evening we went to the PM Service, and it was a special Mother's Day music selection night. The mothers who were there got to choose the songs we sang. We sang a few of other people's requests, and I flipped through the book to find Come Thou Fount. I found it, but decided against raising my hand, as I am really not a mother yet. You won't believe it, but someone sitting behind me chose that very song as the next one. Out of over 800 songs in that book, God knew how to speak to me in that moment. I again was fighting back tears as we sang that song, but I just had a peace that no matter what, it was all going to be okay. I really knew God cares for my sadness. As I Peter 5:6-7 says: "Therefore, humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." I called the radio station to find out what that CD was, and went out a few days later and bought it as my very first Mother's Day gift, from me and from God. By the way, I highly recommend it - it is called the Living Room Sessions by Chris Rice. I have listened to it almost every day since, and I still tear up every time.

If you have read this far, thank-you. You have just read into some of the deepest feelings of my heart. This has been tough for us as a couple, but we are so thankful for everything in our lives, including this "speed-bump" for our plans for our family. Please feel free to share an insight if you have one, even if you disagree with something I said. May God be glorified in all that I say and do.

Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing
Come, Thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing Thy grace.
Streams of mercy, never ceasing, Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, Mount of God's unchanging love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer; Hither by Thy help I come.
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure, Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger Wand'ring from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger, Interposed His precious blood.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy grace, Lord, like a fetter, Bind my wand'ring heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love.
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, Seal it for Thy courts above.

This hymn was written in the mid-1700's by a man named Robert Robinson. The words of especially the 1st and 3rd verses remind me just how much I need to, during this time and trial in my life, by God's grace alone remove myself from the equation and focus my full attention on God's love and mercy.