What's the Catch?

A week ago was my last day of class (more about that in a different post) and as I was on my way out of town to come home I called my mom to see if I could stop by and visit her at work before I left. She said sure, and then asked if I'd be able to stop by at a gas station and pick her up a fountain drink. Her job is physically strenuous and she was in the middle of something, so of course I said "No problem."

I got to the gas station, and only needed to buy the soda (no gas or anything else). So I went in and did what she said - 1/3 full of ice, a "shot" of cherry flavor, and fill it up with Pepsi. As I walked up to the counter with my money in my hand the young man behind the counter looked at my cup and said "Is that all?" Yup, that was it. "Well, then it's free," he said. Huh? He explained that since it was the gas station's grand re-opening or whatever they were giving away fountain drinks of that size for free all weekend. So then me (being the quick learner I am) said, "So I don't have to give you any money?" He laughed and shook his head and said no. So I thanked him, and walked back to my car - money still in hand, and probably still a confused look on my face.

As I was driving my mom's cherry soda to her I was thinking of how often our interactions with God look all too much like my interaction with the boy behind the counter who probably was thinking "How does this woman get out of bed in the morning?" :)

How often do we hear of God's free gift to us of salvation (John 3:16), and yet we somehow can't grasp that when someone says "Free" we don't have to give payment.

What about those of us who have accepted God's free gift? We know that when we die we will be bound for an eternity in heaven with a Holy God who sent his Son to earth to take our punishment. How often do even we base our works on staying on God's "good side" or maybe earning an extra Christian gold star to put by our name? I am reminded of the prophet Isaiah's words that our good works are no better than filthy rags when illuminated by the presence of the holiness of God (Isaiah 64:6).

So where do we go from here? Does this mean that since our works are worthless we forget about it - accept our salvation and do what we want? NO! Of course not! Our works don't change our salvation - our salvation changes our works. That little difference of the order of those words actually isn't so little. We don't work FOR our salvation - we work BECAUSE OF our salvation. We do our best to show our thankfulness and love for a Savior who did so much for us! Are your works and interactions with people every minute of every day a testament of what God has done for your eternity? I know mine aren't! Thank goodness for God's loving grace - not only to save us from our sins, but also to allow us to live for Him more and more each day!

I hope this was an encouragement to you. And I hope, as you go through your "daily grind" you are able to see God in something as small as a free fountain drink :)

Life is Short

My husband and I are youth group leaders at our church with another couple. Our group is fairly small and normally runs about 10 kids on a Wednesday evening.

I found out this AM that a boy who visited a few weeks ago, a senior in high school, was killed last night in a car accident. He hadn't been back again since his first visit. I am unsure if he had ever placed his trust in Christ.

I am in shock. I hardly knew this boy, though several of our girls went to his school. I keep trying to remember everything that happened the night he visited, but one question keeps coming to the forefront: Did we clearly present the salvation message the night he was there? And the answer is: I don't know.

I am pretty sure the week he visited we watched the second part of a video meant to discredit the theory of evolution from a Biblical perspective. But I just don't remember everything that was said when talking about the video before and after.

I think sometimes in my responsibility as a youth leader I get lazy - I always think "Aw, these kids are young, they'll be back - we'll deal with issue xyz next week." But they might not be back. They might not even make it home that night.

I have heard of a lot of deaths of young people lately - maybe no more of them are dying - maybe word just travels faster on the internet so you hear of it more...

One thing is certain: my eyes have been opened to the fact that life is short, and there are no sure things. My salvation has been sealed and I am ready to meet Jesus. But am I sure that everyone I talk to can say that same thing? Of course not. Do I need to do a better job of witnessing? Yes of course. Am I going to? I better.

This has been a wake up call for me: Wake up and love people enough to make sure they know Jesus the FIRST time, because it might be your last time talking to them.

Please pray for Leo's family and for the 2 survivors of the accident, who are also HS boys.

And if you've happened upon this blog and don't know me or what I'm talking about, don't wait to find out. This isn't a doomsday commercial, but anything could happen at any time. Email me at nkiowa@hotmail.com or find a Holy Bible and read the book of Romans.

The Holiday Season

I love celebrating Jesus' birth, but hate how the whole season turns into a mad dash.

I love meditating on Jesus, and reading prophesies and Scriptural accounts of His birth, but detest how I get so swept up in the season as our culture defines it that I hardly make time to open my Bible, let alone meditating on anything.

I love shopping for gifts for people, but hate standing in mile-long lines, often with other worn-out and grumpy shoppers.

I love a season that promotes peace and love, but hate how the very business of the season gives me a headache and turns me into a grump.

I love sending Christmas cards and letters to keep in touch with family and friends, but find searching for addresses annoying.

I love Christmas music, even some of the secular stuff, but find by the end of the season I'm not sad to see it go (especially since some radio starts playing it after Halloween!).

I love decorating for Christmas, but hate that I'm so disorganized and can't find my stuff.

I love receiving Christmas cards and letters. I can't find anything I dislike about that.

I like receiving gifts, but hate hate hate how the celebration of Jesus' birth turns into this materialistic greedy and selfish acquisition of worthless stuff.

I like getting together with family and friends, but hate how I can't stop eating at the get-togethers. :)

I appreciate how every year I seem to get through the season with fond memories and happy pictures and good times, but get disgusted with myself when I vow that the next year will be more organized, more peaceful, and better, and I never follow through.

I don't mind Santa, but detest a culture that chooses Santa over Jesus, and kicks Jesus out of His own birthday party any way they can, and increasingly every single year.

I love Christmas, religiously and culturally, and I always hate to see the season end.

But, right now, I'm loving boring January :)

The Bible Supports Gay Marriage?!?

A few weeks ago some of you may have seen this attention-grabbing headline on the MSN homepage: The Bible Supports Gay Marriage. When I saw the title I was afraid to read on, but had to. Since then I have read on msn that there was a backlash and that the source who originally printed the article (Newsweek) received a fair amount of mail and criticism for printing such a thing. Here's the link to the article, if you haven't already seen it:

Our Mutual Joy - Cover Story: Gay Marriage

Oh there's a lot to say after reading something like that. But I am going to leave the arguements to the experts - there are many people out there much smarter and well-versed in Scripture than I am to be defending our Bible and the sanctity of marriage as the Bible would actually define it.

However, I will say this: This article did stir up a few emotions in me. First, I am angry. This is my Bible, and people are twisting and manipulating it in stark contrast to what Scripture actually indicates. This is an attack on my God and my Bible and I don't like it. My children will have to grow up in a world where this nonsense is taking over, and people are twisting the Bible to say what they want it to say so they can do what they want to do and have a "clear" conscience. And there are "Christians" out there who are going to jump on the bandwagon in the name of tolerance or ease and buy into this. They will read the article (or a million others out there just like it) and think "Yeah, ok. That makes sense. And it's certainly popular. I guess I can see it. I'll go with it." And that same Christian who thinks this will allow these negligent thought processes influence their political stance, their interpretation of the Bible in other realms, and even what is to be tolerated in the churches they attend. We are becoming lazy and complacent in our Christian standards and every time we do it becomes easier to do what feels ok rather than what Christ would desire.

I am also sad. It breaks my heart to see people turning their backs on God in this way. The person who wrote this article knows a fair amount about what is actually written in the Bible. Yet somehow she is seriously missing the point. And she's not alone. And, as I mentioned above, there are many people who call themselves Christians who go along with this twisted thought process and then somehow try to justify it with the Bible. Ouch. It makes me very sad to see how far our society has fallen, and I can't believe how fast it happens. And I am also sad for the many who blindly receive poor counsel, and buy into it, and make grave and sometimes fatal (literal and figurative) mistakes with their lives based on misinformation.

The God I know from reading the pages of the Bible does not like this. He will not approve or bless our society for embracing blasphemy to His name such as is written in the words of this article. Christian, my plea to you is this: Stand up for what you believe. And figure out what you believe from reading God's Word, not Newsweek. And be ready for a fight, because in this day and age, if you do those two things, you will be standing in the company of very few.

Well, Now What?

America has spoken, and we have elected a new President. Am I worried? When I rely on my human understanding of the situation, and what this could mean for our country's policies and rules on a moral level, the answer is definitely yes. Especially when you consider that he has so much support from congress - I think there is a historic number of liberals in Washington, starting in January. Yikes! But, God says that He knows what is going on. Isaiah 55:8-9 says "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." He has a plan, and trust me, I really don't see how He's going to pull this one off, but it's ok. I don't need to. He doesn't need my help. I did what I needed to do yesterday at the polls, and He knows my heart. For reasons only God probably understands at this time we as Christians don't seem to have much leverage in government these days (Democrats probably think they understand, but I find it very unlikely that they know God's reason for their having taken overwhelming control in Washington).

So, what now? That is definitely the question of the hour. I have a few points, but I certainly don't have all the answers:

1. Pray. America has never needed it more. Pray that our leaders' attention stays on things temporal and doesn't drift into the moral. Let them spend all our money if that's what they have to do (it hurts to say that). I am praying that their left-wing moral issues and agenda don't infiltrate our nation and take over. Abortion as a means of birth control, redefining marriage, you get the idea.

2. Get ready. We are in the end times. We all know it. The prophesies have been fulfilled. Jesus is coming back someday - and I am not kidding when I say that after last night, it looks like sooner rather than later.

3. Respect your President. Didn't vote for him/don't like him? Doesn't matter. He's your leader, whether you like it or not. And God demands that you give your respect to him. What does this mean when you disagree with what he's doing as leader? You may operate your voice in government as much as you are legally allowed, when done in respect. Call your representative. Write letters. Support good causes. You may not: talk bad or disrespectfully about President Obama. Attack him, or his family, on a personal level. The lines are blurry here. When necessary: attack the policies, not the people. Just remember: America voted, but ultimately God placed this man in the position of authority in our country. You have an amazing opportunity to be a witness to those around you when you deal God's way with (good, bad, other) authority in your life.

2 Timothy 2:13-17 Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake, whether to the king as supreme, or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good. For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men - as free, yet not using liberty as a cloak for vice, but as bondservants of God. Honor all people. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the king.

There is a lot more here than meets the eye if you are reading the passage for the first time, but no matter what you can get the general idea that God demands respect from us for our earthly leaders.

4. Respect God more. We are to respect our human authority, but always over that is our respect for God. If our government tells us to do (or allows us to do) something that is in contrast to the Word of God, we are to obey God. There are more ways that this could be manifested than any of us can ever imagine. Be ready to take action. And know God's Word well enough that you have discernment when the time comes.

5. Be thankful. This is monumental in America's history. I personally am thrilled that he got elected for one reason: he's black. Let me explain. I didn't vote for him, and I would never let someone's skin color influence my vote. But, now that he's in office (or will be in a few months), I am thankful that America has risen above its racist roots. Even in southern states, which is a little more surprising based on history, Obama got a decent share of the vote. That is big news, and it is important. I believe God is color-blind (remember the song "red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight?") and we are sending a powerful message to the rest of the world, and to those who are still racist in our own country, that we have moved past that. We are better than that. I am thankful. There is much, MUCH more to be thankful for than just the issue of race. When I try, I can think of lots of things. That's just the only one I'm going to talk about here.

What do you think? Have anything to add? This certainly isn't exhaustive, but it's a start. I value your opinion.

Vote!

Tomorrow is election day - if you don't know that then you've been living under a rock for a while now. And, you've heard people telling you to take advantage of your voice in this country. Here it comes from me:

Many, MANY people have sacrificed and given of their time, energy, talents and even lives that we all might live in a country that is free, and where we the people get to elect those who govern us. You owe it to all of them to use this gift they fought so hard for.

It is your responsibility - this is your country. Don't like the way it's going? I certainly don't. If you don't vote, you have no right to offer your opinion about this country's direction, ideals, etc.

We all know we should vote, but how do we choose who to vote for? I will not tell you who to vote for, but can I please ask, especially if you call yourself a Christian, to vote according to your faith, and not the reasons society and the news media would give you to try to scare you with. Yes, our economy is tanking. Yes, our country is in a mess. Yes, we're all falling on bad times. (An issue for another day, and one I probably won't ever cover here, is whether the news media is hyping all of that up for their own political agenda...).

Life in America has probably seen better days. I whole-heartedly believe, however, that the reason for that is that we as a country are turning our backs on God. We have kicked God out of nearly every aspect of our country - we are all (and by all, I certainly don't mean those of us who are fighting and praying against it, but rather, just the general trend of our country) doing all we can to make sure God is out of our country and our lives. We forget that the very premise and ideals this country was born on were those of Christian heritage and values. Our country was thriving and successful for many years - we're all still reaping the benefits of the success of our ancestors. But has God had enough of being kicked to the curb and forgotten? I should think so. He's not allowed in our schools, our government, and if some would have their way, he'd be off our money and out of our Pledge of Allegiance. Some would probably like Him to be kicked out of our churches. Welcome to China everyone.

So when you vote, consider this: How do you stand on abortion? What do you want to see happen with this country's definition of one man, one woman marriage? How would it make you feel to see illegal immigrants granted amnesty, or, how do you feel about children of illegals getting automatic citizenship just for being born here? How do you like the idea of paying more taxes so more people can sit at home on their hineys while you pay for their dinner (rent, gas, clothing, medical expenses, .....)? These are all, some much more important and grave than others, but they are all issues of how one values and respects human life. And they are all fundamentally Christian issues.

May I encourage you as a Christian: please vote your values this election. Our economy is bad, but that's just money. There are lives and families on the line here. And also, pray that this country might return to its Christian foundation and ideals. I know that one of the candidates catch phrases is "Change" - and I'm sure that's hardly the change he has in mind for our country. But I maintain that turning our country back into a Christian nation is the only change that's even worth fighting for and talking about.

And no matter what happens at the polls tomorrow, get ready to get on your knees and pray. No matter the political outcome, our country and our people need prayer more today than ever before. Pray for our Commander-in-Chief, no matter who he is or if you voted for him or not. Pray for our congress. Pray for those who write our laws. Pray for our local government. Pray for Bible-believing Christians representing us in our government. Pray for our Christian leaders. Pray for God's sovereign hand in the inner workings of every aspect of our government. We may not feel we have much of a voice in our country these days, but praise God, words directed toward Him are never wasted.

Empty Me

I heard this song by Chris Sligh yesterday, and for some reason it keeps bouncing around in my head. I even woke up to it this morning. The lyrics are powerful and I wanted to share the words of the chorus:

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds onto
Lord, empty me of me so I can be filled with You

I pray that this is the attitude and focus of my heart as I navigate my day.

Focus

Wow, do I ever feel "busy." Life seems to be sprinting along at a whirlwind pace, and I am somewhat bouncing along behind trying to catch my breath (picture one of those pop cans tied to the back of a wedding getaway car - that's how I feel). And I don't even have a job or kids. Here's some of what's going on/coming up in our lives:

- We're trying really hard to focus and get our adoption paperwork sent in. Ugh - we're so slow!
- I have (of course) procrastinated the homework for the class I am taking this fall. It's now due in 2.5 weeks, by mail, and I am working in overdrive.
- I was just asked to coach the volleyball team that I coached last year. This will likely start around the end of October, as it runs during what is usually the high school basketball season.
- We are still training for our marathon, which is a week and a half away. We are both battling injuries, and our training has not gone as planned, so I feel like we're actually starting to lose shape a little, and at this point I think I'll be happy if we finish. I would say we're probably in shape to run a race in the 18-20 mile range, so 26.2 will be pushing it.
- Taj's test for therapy dog is in Nov sometime. I never trained him, and I'm thinking about just winging the test. We'll see how he does. We did work with them as puppies quite a bit, but I don't know a lot about the specifics of this test.
- Narasimha and I were asked to be 2 of the 4 leads in our church's Christmas play (Joseph and Mary). Narasimha's part includes a vocal solo. He has a nice singing voice, but has never had any instruction ever at all whatsoever. Never. Not even like little kid music class in elementary school. So, I get to teach him how to sing. By December. And I'm certainly no master myself.
- We're planning a trip this fall to the east coast to visit family.
- I have been praying to be more involved in our church. It is happening, in many ways, all at once.
- And, once our adoption paperwork is sent in, we will be doing a homestudy, so trying to be more prepared for that.
- Our social engagements have been increasing in number and frequency (friends, family, church, N's work, etc.).
- Not to mention, we're still in the middle of some home improvement projects, so I am trying to keep up with the regular housework, continue to unpack, and do the things like painting and finishing things up.

As you can see, we've got a full plate (although it doesn't look as bad in list form as I feel when I run it all through my head!). And I'm so happy; I wouldn't have it any other way. I am excited for everything that's on our list. But it all adds up, and sometimes I feel overwhelmed and tired just thinking about it.

I have also been very convicted while working on the homework for my class. Especially today. My God is a jealous God, and even things that are good in and of themselves become bad when they are put in a higher position than God in my life. I have tried to meditate on this truth today: Anything and everything I do, no matter what it is, should be done with the primary purpose of pleasing God. Whether its laundry, going for a run, going over lines for a Christmas play, or spending some relaxing time with my hubby - there is a way to do all of these things, and all of the things in my list, and still be pleasing to my Savior. I find it's easy to get distracted, and to forget my goal. Easy to lose focus. So I will focus on not losing focus on what really matters in my everyday life - from the mundane to the extraordinary. If God comes first then it's still worth doing.

"Broken"

It's late, and I can't sleep. Last night we had a fairly grueling workout in training for our marathon (we ran 19 miles) so when we got home neither of us felt very good and decided to call it a night early. Well, after 2 hours of sleep I woke up hungry. I made it to the kitchen for a midnight snack (I don't think I've ever done that before) and hoped to fall back asleep for the rest of the night. No such luck. I've been lying there for an hour now, wide awake. And my mind has drifted to this post I've been meaning to write, which probably woke me up more. So, here I find myself in front of the computer at 1 AM (I will likely regret this timing tomorrow).

The history: I received an anonymous comment about a month ago on one of my posts from several months back. This particular comment happened to be about something that I haven't blogged about (and there's a reason for that, which I'll go into in a little bit) but is actually from real life. As I read the comment I was initially very shocked, and a little hurt and defensive, but decided that I wanted to say some things in return for what this person said to me. I also didn't want to respond right away because I wanted to pray about my words and make sure I was responding out of love, not pride. And, I really don't have an option but to put it here, as I really have no clue who said it, and since it came to me from the blogosphere, I guess that's where I get to deal with it. That also means that the opinion that some of you may have of me, especially if you know me in real life, may suffer. I guess this is where I get to put my pride on the shelf, and pray to be an instrument of Christ to clear this all up. This is some pretty heavy stuff - hold on to your seat. Here is the comment I received (direct quote, with some grammar fixes):

"Kristina-
It has been mentioned to me that in some circles you have referred to your future child as "broken."
After hearing that, I came here VERY judgmental but reading your blog I do not see any of that in your writing.
Perhaps you did not realize that your words offended others so but I just ask that when you are referring to your future child that may have a medical condition that you state it as so instead of calling the child "broken."
I can tell that you will love and care for any child that God blesses you with so please be respectful of how you are referring to that child before they arrive. Otherwise someday they may speak to someone who heard you refer to them otherwise and be hurt by those words.
Also, anyone who has a child with physical or mental impairments may be very offended by hearing you use those words in that context. To them, their children are perfect gifts from God. If God does not make mistakes then every child is born perfect and no child is ever "broken."
Take care and just remember that any child that you are blessed with will be a gift from God and you should begin acting that way now, not later."

Wow, that's a lot of information to take in in just a few sentences. I feel like I have to start by saying that I am very, very sorry for saying something that obviously hurt someone's feelings, and now that this is out there, has the potential to hurt the feelings of or offend more who may read this. Yes, it's true. I have called our future child "broken." If that offends you or hurts your feelings in any way, I am very sorry for saying something so insensitive and hurtful. Was what I said in bad taste? Obviously. Hurtful? Probably, maybe more to some than others. Meant to hurt anyone's feelings? Not in a million years. Please accept my most sincere apologies.

Now, with my honest apology on the table, I would like to talk a little bit about why I have said this, actually on more than one occasion.

First, I want to say that there is a reason that I have never used such a word in the writing on this blog. I have only ever said it when talking to people in real life. The reason for that is because obviously such a description of a human child could be hurtful and offensive, and when I said it in real life, I thought that I only said it around people who knew me well enough to know that 1. I was joking and 2. It wasn't a value statement about the child. Apparently I said it to someone who did not take it as one of those things, and who passed along to someone else my insensitive comment (or maybe was a person who heard me say it?). Joking/sarcasm in writing are hard to pick up, so unless it's very very obvious, I try to avoid doing that. Especially in the case of a blog, where you might not always personally know the people who may be reading what you write, and things said could be quite easily misunderstood.

Second, I would like to explain "broken" and what I think about that, and why I took the liberty of saying that. I said I was sorry for hurt feelings, and I meant it, but after much thought I do not retract my statement (though I will likely not use that word much from here on out to avoid misunderstandings such as the one that lead to the need for this post). Narasimha and I have talked a lot and prayed about the decision we made to accept, and even seek out, adopting a child with medical needs. This child, in a physical sense, will be "broken." In some sense, aren't we all broken? Back in the time of Adam and Eve in the beginning of Genesis, sin entered the world. From that point forward, no child was ever conceived who did not have sin and brokenness as a part of their genetic makeup. And no child was conceived before The Fall, so every single child in the history of the world that has ever been conceived has been broken. The only exception to this rule is Jesus Christ Himself, and that was because He does not have a human father. Jesus was fully human, which he got from Mary His mother, and also fully God, as we know He came from a virgin birth (thus not having a human father). This sin manifests itself in many ways, and we are all hopelessly broken. To clarify: I am not trying to say that the child, or any child who has physical problems from birth, has physical problems due to a specific sin they may have committed (though later in life, this is certainly possible), but simply that sickness and suffering are the result of the sinfulness of humanity. Before sin there was no suffering. As sin entered the world, so did every problem that humankind has ever had. I do not believe that this is coincidental. The child we will adopt will likely have (we don't know who we're adopting yet, so we don't actually know what the problem will be) a medical problem. If a child is born perfectly healthy, with no apparent medical issues, certainly it won't take long for the "brokenness" of the child to become obvious. The child who is healthy at birth could very easily become physically sick at some point, or could have mental or emotional shortcomings, or any combination of these or other problems. As much as we like to hold small babies and adore them and talk about how "perfect" they are, most of us will readily admit that really sooner rather than later that child's imperfections are bound to become obvious. Are they cute? Most of the time :) Loveable? Of course. Perfect? Unless you're holding Jesus II, which is Biblically impossible, no. I respectfully disagree that God creates any child to be perfect. Every child is always exactly what God wants them to be, of that I am absolutely sure and for that we can always rejoice, but by definition, they are not perfect and are not created to be.

And, more important in my mind than understanding and expecting "brokenness" is being able to truly embrace it and be thankful for it. I am 100% aware that I am broken, and I have absolutely full intentions of raising my children to know that they too are broken. No matter if I physically birth them or adopt them with medical needs, or adopt a child with no medical needs, etc. Without honestly admitting personal "brokenness" there is no need for a Savior. If I am fine, and good, all on my own, what need do I have for Jesus in my life? My absolute very most important job as a mommy is to incarnate, or put flesh on, or accurately represent Jesus to my children, with the hope and prayer that someday my children will be able to totally and fully trust and love Him as I am currently working towards in my own life. There is very real danger in allowing any child to believe for any time that they are perfect. From a parental perspective, if I allow my child to believe that I think they are perfect, and that I love them, they may start to believe that I love them because they are perfect. They will inevitably one day find out that they're not perfect, and might then question my love for them. They might also become dishonest with themselves about their own value as a person - resulting in either excessive pride and arrogance or self-hatred and shame. It is essential to my success as a parent that my children know that I love them not because of what they do, but because of who they are. And that their position in our family is always and forever and no matter what. That the love that I have for them is a kind of love that doesn't run out or have impossible conditions. And by loving that way, I will be able to show my child a glimpse of just how much his/her Heavenly Father loves him/her. Just as in a parental perspective, it is even more important that my child understand unconditional love to understand God's love from a Biblical perspective. As I learn to parent my child, my love, and my skills as mommy, will have shortcomings. Probably many of them. My humanity will show and my own imperfections and brokenness will become very obvious to my child. Where my love falls short, God's love takes over, and just like the energizer bunny, keeps going, and going, and going... And, although God hates sin, it does not surprise Him that we are sinful. He created each one of us, and also allows us to have our own free will. He doesn't like our sin, but He expects it, and even better yet, sin itself is essential to our needing His Son Jesus Christ. To give my child an accurate view of him/herself and an accurate view of God, and his/her place in the family of God, I find it impossible to give my child anything other than thankfulness for everything he/she has and is - whether the world would look at those things as a blessing or a curse. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." NKJV This is one of my favorite verses.

To understand all of this, for my child, will also hopefully serve as a lesson in the sovereignty of God. I would never not tell my child that he or she was adopted. I do not believe that an adoption is something to hide, but rather, a beautiful way God makes a family out of people who do not share the same genetic material. I will also not hide from my child or anyone else the fact that Narasimha and I felt burdened to adopt a child with medical needs. Our decision was not to be able to feel better about ourselves, and look down on a poor and pitiful child. For us, it is simply coming to the realization that neither of us would be passing on perfection that we don't have to a biological child if we were able to have one, and any biological child of ours could be compromised physically, mentally, emotionally just as could be any adopted child. If we're honest, both of our bodies are so broken that we can't even make a baby. For that we're also learning to not just tolerate, but actually be thankful for. In addition to that, we have the resources to be able to correct what may be physically wrong, and allow the child to live a healthy and productive life. Not because of anything we've done, but because of all of the ways God has blessed us. This information will all be available to our child, and he/she will likely come to the point where they know that it was actually because of their brokenness, in a sense, that we knew God had chosen him/her for our family. And we hope and pray that they can be thankful for being a part of our family (even if not until their teenage years are over :).

Another reason for my use of the word, and this isn't a great reason, but since I'm being as honest as I can here, I'm going to put it out there, is because this adoption is very scary to me at times. I think the unknown always has the potential to be scary - especially with something that's such a big deal. I have never really known anyone who had a really serious medical condition, especially so early in life. To think that a child that I will bring home, and fall quickly head-over-heels in love with will have to suffer, and that I will have to helplessly stand by and watch, already makes me very sad and nervous. I used to work in and around the operating room at the hospital I worked at. I remember vividly small kids being taken to surgery - taken from the safe arms of mommy and daddy and poked and prodded and whisked off into the world of the unknown - for them and their parents. Many of them cried and were very scared. And then, as they wake up from surgery, as the anesthesia is wearing off, they will cry again because they are confused and scared and physically hurting. Many of them are inconsolable, even when reunited with their parents. Though I believe the pain on both the part of the child and of Narasimha and I will be worth it, it will still be a tough situation. I tend to "joke" when I'm nervous or uncomfortable, and saying a word like "broken" for some reason takes a little of the weight and gravity of the situation away in my own mind. There is a chance that our child will need open-heart surgery. I know just enough about medicine, and Narasimha as a physician obviously knows a lot about medicine, that even though we trust God entirely with any situation, we still feel and will continue to feel scared and nervous and as the situation comes closer, and a whole host of other emotions as well.

Once again, if I have hurt your feelings by my unkind words, I am sorry. If you left the comment (for which I can truly say "thank-you" - not only for bringing it to my attention, but for giving me the opportunity to say the things I have said here, which I think are important) I hope I have cleared up what must have been going through your head.

Christian: What "brokenness" are you refusing to embrace and be thankful for in your own life, or in the life of someone close to you? What "brokenness" are you hiding from the world? How could you use that as a testimony for someone who needs to see Jesus' always unconditional saving love and grace?

If you're not a Christian - if you don't know what I am talking about in the paragraphs above - do the things I've talked about sound enticing to you? How would your life change if you knew that there was always someone who loves you, and who wants the best for you, even at your worst, most broken condition? How would you feel if you knew you could be honest with someone about all your secrets, all your baggage, and you would be loved and welcomed with open arms anyways? What would your life be like if you could lay all of you problems at the feet of Jesus by trusting in Him, and not only have a purpose and fulfillment in your time left on this earth, but also the guarantee of a mansion in heaven and a new life after death that is better than anything you'll ever get here? Questions: contact me at nkiowa@hotmail.com. Or, find a Bible, and start reading in the New Testament (Romans is a good place to start).

I hope I have accurately and selflessly become transparent enough to let you see my heart here. The perk of a blog, in my opinion, is to put yourself out there and be known. Especially to those who personally know me and read this, I hope you get a better view of not only who I am, but who Jesus Christ is making me in light of these life experiences. And, above all, I want to be an encouragement to anyone who may read this, and of course honor Jesus in my life and writing.

And to anyone - please always feel free to comment. I like getting feedback, even if you don't agree with what I say. I try always to respect the opinions of others (though as you can see here, I don't always agree), and will gladly welcome the chance to defend my faith in my Savior, Jesus Christ. Even if sometimes it means I personally look like a fool in the process.

Opportunity Knocking

One morning recently (yesterday or the day before - can't remember), I was sitting and working on my computer in my living room, when someone rang the doorbell. I got up to go get what I thought was the wallpaper border for the bathroom that I ordered being delivered from UPS. When I got to the door, I was surprised to see a woman in a dress standing there. I opened, and she started talking about the nice weather, blah blah blah. Then she said something about how she was sure I had my own faith, as lots in the neighborhood do. I said yes, that's right, and I am a little ashamed to say that I was a little annoyed with her at this point. I thought about just shutting the door and getting back to my computer. She opened a Bible, and read John 3:16 (in some version I am not familiar with). Then she went on to say some things I kind-of ignored, and asked me if I'd take some reading material from her church or whatever, and on the top of the pamphlet it said "The Watchtower." I took it, and after 5 or so minutes of trying to patiently tolerate her, and not look too annoyed, I came back inside.

But then I started thinking - was I in too much of a rush to do something that wasn't really that important on my computer to talk to her and possibly present her with what I know to be true from the Bible? I flipped through the pamphlet, and in mere seconds I found some seriously shaky-looking doctrine in the papers she gave me. So yes, I reacted poorly to someone God practically put on my lap, and did not take good advantage of the opportunity that actually knocked on my door. So, I have decided (prayerfully) that I am going to read those pamphlets, and if and when she comes back, I will be ready to drop whatever it is I'm doing to have her in for coffee and conversation.

I believe that we as Christians should know a reasonable amount of information/doctrine from other beliefs. Not to the point of taking time away from studying what/how we should from the Word of God in our own study. But, from an evangelical standpoint, we know we are to witness to others, and I think part of effective "soul winning" takes place when you can take what someone believes to be true (and isn't) and refuting it with actual Biblical truths. I didn't do my best for God this time, but by His grace alone, next time I will.

A New Routine

Narasimha and I are trying something new, and so far it is going pretty well. We have had a hard time getting into really any type of a routine since moving to M-town - between the India trip, and moving twice, and a new job, etc. So this week we joined the gym, and decided that we will do strength and resistance training in the mornings before Narasimha goes to work, and then do cardio in the evenings sometime. Getting on a schedule is great if you can keep it, and so far we're doing well. Although I'm not gonna lie - getting up at 5 or so is tough when you're more of a 9 kinda girl :) It has also been a blessing from a spiritual aspect - we give ourselves extra time in the morning so we can have breakfast together and then do a Bible study and spend time in prayer as a couple. I looked over my New Year's resolutions and this schedule could actually accomplish a few of them :) So, if it seems like I'm posting less, I am, as I get used to my new schedule and adjust to my new sleeping hours.

Why Pray?

I grew up as a Christian (someday I will post my testimony - it's a little unconventional) and over the years I have questioned many things concerning my relationship with Christ. One of my questions as somewhat of a philosophical thinker (I say philosophical but what I really mean is sometimes rebellious and always asking "why?") is "Why pray?" Let me explain. My thought process works as follows: God is sovereign (He does what He wants) and also knows already everything that ever will happen, and when and why, etc. I believe both of those things to be true, based on selected Scripture. So, if those are true, then why bother praying? What's the point - it's not like my prayers/desires are going to change what God has already planned, right? Whether what I want or opposite of what I want, it's already been determined... So again, what's the point in taking time on a potentially pointless waste of time?

Well, my memory of being a 4-year-old in Sunday School tells me that prayer isn't just a waste of time, but why? I have thought about it and looked a little more into it, and here is what I have come up with (this is not by any means an exhaustive list).

First, God tells us to, and as Christians, we should want to obey. (All of the following assumes that the Scriptures are actually the inspired words of God, and as such, nothing that is in the Bible is there without having a purpose...)

Paul talks in more than one of his epistles about praying for someone (or groups of people) and also requests that his brothers pray for him.
Philippians 1:3-4 "I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy."

In Matthew God makes a point in telling us the correct manner to pray, and this passage ends with the well-known Lord's Prayer.
Matthew 5:5-13 - Too long to type - be sure to look it up Why would God include the way to correctly pray if prayer itself wasn't necessary.

Prayer can also make us feel better as we learn to better rely on God for our needs.
Philippians 4:6-7 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."
I can't even count the times that I have experienced the true peace of God in times of trial - but only when I remember to ask for it!

Second, prayer seems to me to be not only about us and what we want, but about God and what He wants. Our prayers can show our reliance on only Him, as well as being a valuable tool of worship.

By the act of honest prayer, I believe we are accepting and acknowledging who God is, and who we are. By asking Him for help, we are admitting that we can't do it by ourselves. By thanking Him, we are admitting that we couldn't have done it without Him. By praying for others, we are admitting to the sovereignty of God over all matters - ones over which we have no control. The list goes on and on. The opposite of prayer, put bluntly, is pride and self-sufficiency.

One of the best arguments of why we would need to pray is when we look at our best Christian example: Jesus Christ. When Jesus was on this earth He was constantly praying, and He was God. Scripture records several instances where He spent time with His Father, and even His most painful and stressful and difficult time on this earth, the time surrounding His crucifixion, He spent hours in prayer (Matthew 26:36-44). If He needed it, why wouldn't we?

We should have time set aside each day for the worship of our God - to give Him the attention and place in our lives that He deserves.
Psalm 5:2-3 "Give heed to the voice of my cry, my King and my God, for to You I will pray. My voice you shall hear in the morning, O Lord."
I also think it is significant in this passage that the psalmist speaks of starting his day with God - I feel like it implies getting a right focus from the beginning of the day, even if that isn't necessarily the time you spend in devotions.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 "Pray without ceasing"
This verse implies that prayer should be so important in our lives that we can't live without it, and that our hearts should be so intertwined with that of our Heavenly Father that we can't imagine breaking fellowship with Him anytime during our day.

This leads us to the next issue, which I will only briefly mention here. How do I, as a Christian submitting to the will of God, know how to pray correctly?

One thing that I heard once in a Bible study that has helped me to stay organized and in a sense feel like I have more productive time with God is to use the following acronym: ACTS (or CATS, depending on your preference).

A: Adoration - Recognize God for who He is and praise Him for that. I like to use His many Names/attributes.
C: Confession - Calling sin what God calls it, and being truly sorry for being a part of it
T: Thanksgiving - God has done so much for you (especially if your prayers are being heard because you are a child of His) - thank Him for it!
S: Supplication - or requests - what do you want God to do for you?

So the first three are fairly self-explanatory. The last one can be a little tricky. Do we ask God for what we really want, or do we respect His sovereignty by praying "Please Father give me what You deem best." I believe the answer is both. God wants to be everything to us, including our closest friend, so it only makes sense to be able to open up and tell Him the deepest desires of our heart, wholly and honestly. At the same time, we have to be ready (and honestly thankful) for the sovereign hand of our Abba Father working in our lives and deciding what is best for us and Him, no matter what we may think we want. That's the part that takes work I think. I think it goes something like this:

"Dear Lord Jesus, you know how desperately I want to be a mother. You know how I don't go one day without grieving the fact that I am not yet pregnant, and don't even know if I ever will be. Please Jesus, if it is what you would want me and Narasimha to have for our family, please give us a healthy baby to love and call our own. And if the answer is no, or wait, please give us the grace to thank you for it. May You be glorified in all we say and do."

The point: As a Christian, are you giving prayer the proper and Biblical place in your life? I know I'm not. I think we should all purpose (word implies active vs. passive) to give God the honor He deserves in this often-overlooked area of our lives. I know looking up and meditating on these verses was sure a blessing to me today - I hope reading them did the same for you. If you have any other thoughts, please feel free to add to this list.