Christ the Lord is Risen Today!

Yesterday was the day that we set aside time to specifically remember Christ's resurrection from the grave. What an exciting thought! Something that really stuck out at me from the service we attended yesterday was that Christ chose to go to the cross. He wasn't manipulated or tricked, and was in fact all-knowing, so when He made His way toward Jerusalem, He knew that what was ahead of Him would not be pleasant for Him, but was absolutely necessary and was actually the whole reason He came to live among us here on earth in the first place. He knew what He had to do - what His calling was from God the Father, and he willingly and wholeheartedly went to the place where He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what awaited Him there. It certainly was an act of selfless and unadulterated love for us that He was willing to do what He did, and suffer as He did as a result of no fault of His own. I love to celebrate and meditate on the love of Jesus Christ, directed toward me, during the very special Easter holiday.

Another reason yesterday was so great was that we actually attended church at our old church in I-town. We still miss everyone there a lot, and just love it when we are able to see all of them. We got to chat with some of our "forever" friends, and see all the kids shooting up like weeds. It has been several months since we have seen many of them.

May I encourage you that if you don't know what I'm talking about above - you can't get excited about Easter because you don't understand what's the big deal, please contact me at the email address listed at the very bottom of the page. I would love to share with you my excitement and thankfulness for this special day, and all it means to me as a free and priceless gift from my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

And, I hope that no matter what you did yesterday (and Friday) to remember and celebrate what Jesus did for you, it was meaningful and enjoyable for you and your family and friends.

Over Too Soon

We are now home from our vacation in Florida, and I can honestly say that it went too fast (as always). For the better part of the week we: took our time, got up when we wanted, were beach bums, hung out with the fam, etc. Most of the time we basically stayed on the beach (besides Tuesday at Sea World for Narasimha and me). This week was super windy it seemed like, so that made it feel a little chillier, but still, I can't complain when my standard for comparison is Iowa winter (and a relatively bad one at that). Dad has a surfboard, and he and my brother tried that out a few times. A few years ago we bought a skim board, which has been a lot of fun (this year we had to buy a new one because we broke the other one). Basically to use a skim board, you wait for the very shallow water that results when the tide comes in on the beach and goes back out to sea, and then you throw the board on that ¼ inch or so deep water, and then chase the board and jump on. It's a lot tougher than it sounds - you have to get your feet on perfectly, throw it down onto the water consistently, then keep your center of gravity just right, and adjust your balance for differences in water movement and depth. Even then sometimes you wipe out, which is pretty funny to watch but it can hurt a bit (or a lot) to fall hard on wet sand (think sand paper or rough concrete). The first year we had the board we all went home with scrapes and bruises - now we are much more tentative and careful, and some of us are maybe even a little better at using it :) On the beach we also like to boogie board, play volleyball, throw the football, kick the soccer ball, play frisbee, go for (sometimes long) walks, and lay out in the sun to tan and sleep or read. You get the point - a whole lot of nothing much :)

The beach from the balcony of our condo, and one b-e-a-utiful day :)

Our beach camp from the balcony on our condo - my mom and sisters are on the lawn chairs on the left side, and my dad and brother are the ones in the shallow water (skim boarding).


My mom, 2 sisters and me, laying out.

My dad, getting his surf on :)

My dad showing off his groovy board

Narasimha and my brother playing soccer on the beach.

Narasimha on the skim board - I don't even think he fell once (he must not have been trying hard enough :)

Me, getting ready...

Me - pretty sure I "biffed it" on that one.

My sister, being the graceful lady she is :) My dad says you get extra points if your knees go down, and even more if there's blood for your effort :) I don't think she got either of those on this one.

Narasimha and me, our last 5 minutes on the beach in '08

Sea World

We decided to go to Sea World on Tuesday, and we had a lot of fun. We "did" Disney a few years ago when we were here, and of course that was a good time, but we felt that Sea World had more for the adult audience. Basically I felt like the drawing force of Sea World was the shows, and then there were 2 roller coasters (and a few others that were kid-friendly) and some animal observation things to do. We ended up going to 5 of the shows - 2 in the whale (Shamu) pool, one in the dolphin pool, one on a stage with human acrobats, and then one in the open air where 3 guys played pots and pans like a drumline. They were all pretty cool - I would watch any of them again happily. We also didn't get to see a few others that sounded cool on the program we had because we ran out of time. I felt like the whole park was also do-able in one day - quite unlike Disney with all the lines and everything. So, I would definitely go back - especially if we didn't have kids, or had very small kids that couldn't really do rides very well. There was lots to do besides the rides. All things considered it was a nice and relaxing vacation day.

The dolphin show - look carefully to see the dolphin in the air. I was surprised to see how high they could jump!

One of the trainers doing "Superman" with the dolphin - look under the water through the glass in the middle of the picture.


I don't know how big I thought dolphins were (next to humans) but this one looked pretty big to me.

Shamu doing his opening lap with jumps during the "Believe" show.

I bet the trainers get pretty close to these animals - that would be amazing to be up close and personal like that.

Wow...

Showing off :)

Surfing on the whale - quite a ride I'm sure.

The trainer goes under the water with the whale, and you can't really see them, and then all of the sudden they shoot out of the water together like it's no big deal.

The same idea as the picture above, but the whale goes faster and the trainer is actually thrown up farther than the whale, and in this picture you can see the black circle above the whale's nose is the trainer beginning his dive back into the water, after being thrown up - very cool.

The first part of the acrobat show - these girls stayed in that shell and did several acrobatic tricks together.

Meeting Jesus Face to Face

Today my Great-Grandma got to meet Jesus face to face. I am sorry for those of us who will miss her here, but so happy for her as she gets to start her eternity free of all of the problems we all experience while here on earth. She lived a long and good life, and in heaven she joins her husband who died many years ago, and 2 daughters she lost in infancy/childhood, along with a whole bunch of other family and friends. In the last few years her health has started to suffer, and lately she hasn't had much independence, and I can't help but picture her tonight sitting next to Jesus, free of pain and suffering from now until forever, and more free and happier than she ever was during her time walking on this earth. She was loved and cherished here on earth, and will continue to be, but Grandma is finally "home."

Sunny Florida :)

Narasimha and I came with my family this week to Florida - it has become an annual tradition. This year it's just us and my immediate family. We're staying in a condo in Daytona Beach, and we have only been here for 1 day, but it's NICE! Today was sunny and about 75 - much much improved to what we had in Iowa when we took off on Friday (although even there we're on the up-swing I think). The same people who stayed at our house with our pets when we were India for 3 weeks are there again for this week, which is nice not to have to think about what's going on there. We have plans basically to do a whole lot of nothing. The weather is supposed to be nice all week my dad said. Narasimha and I are considering going to Sea World sometime - we're not sure yet. Probably won't do much for posting 'til we get back to Iowa and back in the swing of things. Might post some pics later in the week when we have something fun to show.

4 Years Together

Last week Narasimha and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary - exciting :) N got off work early, so we went shopping, and then to a restaurant called Rock Bottom which is in Des Moines. The food was good, and fun to reflect on the time we've had together (actually we talked about something a little unorthodox for such an occasion - maybe I'll post it someday). It's been a lot of fun, and always a learning experience. Of course it hasn't always been rosy - no relationship is - but it's fun to look back and see the different ways that God has shown us over the years that yes, this is the way our lives were supposed to turn out. I can't even believe some of the times I have looked at us, or a certain situation, and thought wow, this sure is something special. Sometimes people ask us if we have a hard time with our differences (the obvious big ones, like being raised in separate cultures and countries, and with different religions, etc.). Very uninterestingly, the answer is no. Those "big" differences cause almost no (if none at all) friction between us - when we fight it's about the mundane or dumb little things, probably much like the rest of you American-only couples. I am so thankful for my husband, and for our family that God will someday give us, and all the many blessings I have in both of these. I wanted to share the words of one of the songs that was sung at our wedding (made popular on the radio by Steven Curtis Chapman) - the words are so true, and every passing day and year I have our future to look more and more forward to.

I Will Be Here
Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here
If in the dark, we lose sight of love
Hold my hand, and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin'
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
And I will be here

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I will be here
Just as sure as seasons were made for change
Our lifetimes were made for these years
So I will be here

I will be here
And you can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older
I will hold you
And I will be here
To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you mean to me
I will be here

I will be true to the promise that I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I, I will be here
We'll be together
And I will be here

Why Not IVF?

I am writing this post in response to some things that have been said to us, and also to explain why we are going almost against probably what most of the general public would do who has a similar situation with infertility and the financial means to consider fertility assistance - and definitely the field of medicine - in choosing how to expand our family, in light of our struggle with infertility, and the specific diagnosis of infertility that we have (meaning that we could likely "benefit" from fertility assistance). Also, read on if you don't know a whole lot about different measures of fertility assistance - I won't go into great detail here, but I will include links so you can read up on your own if you want.

We have heard the following comments or some sort of variation of them:

"Are you sure you don't want to try IVF - I know someone it worked for and..."

"Are you sure you aren't going to someday regret not ever trying harder to have your own child?"

"What will you do with your adopted child if you happen to get pregnant someday?"

"Are you sure you're not disappointing (Narasimha or Kristina) by not trying harder?" - asked to one of us about the other.

"Is this something your religion won't let you do?"

Yeah, I'm not kidding - people really say this stuff.

Western medicine has come a long way in helping people live longer and better lives, from transplants, to medical management, to things that aren't necessary but make people happy and "improve" lives (here I am thinking anything from liposuction to fertility assistance measures, etc.). With any perceived benefit, there is always a cost, whether it is physical, financial, or even moral.

Infertility is a somewhat flaky diagnosis, and is basically characterized by a couple who has tried to get pregnant for 1 year with no success. There is always more to it than that though - the real question is what is causing the infertility? Sometimes it is a physical problem that the man has, sometimes a physical problem that the woman has, and sometimes, both parties have problems that contribute. As you can imagine, there are many MANY things that could go wrong (or even just not quite right) with either the man or the woman making pregnancy unachievable. For a brief overview of infertility or a list of some of the most common causes of infertility, click here. Sometimes, there is nothing that can be found that is wrong with either person that would indicate why a couple is unable to conceive. Sometimes, conception is possible, but for whatever reason, the pregnancy is spontaneously (accidentally) terminated early and doesn't result in a live birth. The couple may or may not know there was ever even a pregnancy, depending on how and how early the pregnancy ended. My point here is that this subject is no simple matter.

We (one of us actually) were diagnosed with a physical problem very early in our effort to become pregnant. We looked at the facts regarding the treatment, and the risks and benefits, and decided that the affected person would have surgery to attempt to correct the problem. We decided that in our situation, we were ok with fixing our bodies to see if that would make us able to spontaneously conceive without the help of actual "fertility assistance measures." The problem that was fixed was something that was physically painful before the surgery, and is a problem that people have fixed even if they aren't having problems conceiving as a result of it (it doesn't only cause problems in aspects of fertility). The surgery was likely successful, although we don't know how successful (read here and here for a little more on our specific situation). The surgery took place over a year ago, and to date we have still not been able to get pregnant.

So there's the problem. What can medicine do for us?

There are many options, ranging a lot in how physically invasive they are, how many "moral" issues are potentially attached, and how much they cost financially.

Here's a list of some of the things we could pursue (click on the word for detailed description or read my sort-of layman's description):

Medication-Induced Hyper-Ovulation
Sometimes the woman doesn't ovulate regularly, so they give medications to make her ovulate. Sometimes they give the medications to make her ovulate more, so that each month, instead of releasing one egg, she could release several, which would hypothetically increase the odds of fertilizing an egg and then having one implant. This also increases the chance of multiple embryo implantation. There would be no way to know how many embryos would possibly implant, but it could be very many. This is likely what happened when the woman from Carlisle, Iowa, had 7 babies at one time (septuplets). This may seem obvious, but any pregnancy with more than 1 baby has increased risk, and with each additional baby, the risk increase is exponential. This leads some to consider Selective Reduction. This means aborting some of the babies. The thought is that the ones who are left will have a better chance of survival and health. It is still abortion - still the killing of babies you supposedly worked so hard to make. This also can get more morally messy when the parents do genetic testing, or find out the gender of the babies, before they decide who to get rid of. Sometimes people choose to abort the babies with problems, or by gender, and sometimes it could be random, or where the baby is attached to the uterus, etc. This medication therapy when used alone is probably the cheapest fertility assistance a person could try. I guess it could also be considered "fixing one's body" if the woman isn't ovulating (under the precept used above for my justification of the surgery we were ok with doing). However, the risks are still there, even in the "fixing one's body" scenario, to have a multiple pregnancy, which could then lead to a moral decision.

Artificial Insemination (AI) or Intra-Uterine Insemination (IUI)
Sometimes used in combination with the Hyper-Ovulation medication (above) - sometimes not. This is often used as a first-line therapy, and is quite a bit financially cheaper, and less physically painful, than IVF which I will talk about next. This is where the doctors have some of the man's sperm, and they will often "wash" it to get the good ones out, and they put the good sperm directly into the woman's uterus. The timing with the woman's monthly cycle is precise, and it gets the sperm closer to where it needs to get to for the couple to become pregnant. There are still downfalls to the process. I would still consider the pregnancy to have been achieved in the doctor's office, but there is more left to nature, like the union of the sperm and the egg, and the embryo's growth, survival and implantation in the uterus.

In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF) with embryo transfer
This is a very complex process, and quite invasive and expensive. Not to mention often full of moral questions. This process starts with the woman giving herself daily injections to induce hyper-ovulation which can be timed very precisely. Kind-of the same as the medications listed above, but I think different in some aspects that I don't know. Then the woman has to go to the doctor's office and they put her to sleep and pull the eggs out of her ovaries with a long needle before they are released into the fallopian tubes. Then they take the man's sperm and mix the eggs and the sperm together, and hope that some of them will hook up and form embryos. This is in the lab - and where they get the term "test tube baby." Then they "grow" the embryos that result out for a few days, to see which ones survive. After that, they pick the healthiest one(s) (and they can even do genetic testing on these embryos to find problems/gender), and finally, they put these little week-or-so old embryos straight into the woman's uterus, where they will hopefully latch on and grow to be babies. This process, as it would seem, has moral issues everywhere. First, the doctors take from the woman as many eggs as they can, which could probably be anywhere from several to 30 or even sometimes 40+. Then, they basically try to fertilize all of them, and see what happens. It is feasible that half of those could fertilize, so now you have 25-20 embryos (early stage babies). Now it is likely that some of them will die in the growing out process, and often they have to freeze them to wait for the right time in the woman's cycle to transfer to the uterus, and some will probably die then or in the unfreezing process too. But say somehow after growing and freezing/thawing you still have 10 viable embryos (which is potentially very realistic and possible, and could be more or less depending on each situation). The doctors won't put any more than 2-3 in at a time, and then you could still end up with twins/triplets if they all latch on (we know or know of people who have had singles, twins, and triplets with this process). So even if you put 3 in, you still have 7 left from your 10. Now what to do with those leftover embryos? Well, you can keep having babies until yours are all used up (and then you have to pay for the freezer space in a lab to keep your frozen babies until you are ready for them) and potentially end up with lots and lots of kids. You could dump them in the trash can, which as far as I'm concerned is no better than abortion. You could adopt them out, which is becoming more popular and is called Snowflake Babies. Now sometimes you don't have so many embryos to think about - I know of a couple who by the time the growing out and unfreezing was finished, they had 2 (and only 2) very healthy embryos that they implanted and ended up having twins 9 months later (actually like 8 months because the babies were premature which is the most common complication of pregnancy with multiples). But, this extra embryo situation does happen often enough that you have to have a plan that you have to tell your doctors before they will even start the process of IVF with you.

Intracytoplasmic Sperm Implantation (ICSI) - See link for IVF
Even farther on the spectrum of IVF, and more expensive. This is when your sperm and eggs won't unite on their own for whatever reason when they mix them together in the test tube, so the doctors actually pick a single sperm and shove it into the egg to get the embryo.

Donors
People also have the option of using donors for almost any part of the process - anywhere from donor eggs, to donor sperm, to borrowed uterus (also called a surrogate). This can get very morally sticky, and in the case of using a surrogate, even legally sticky by means of custody, etc. The potential for problems and miscommunications are endless. Not to mention expensive and risky, based on your personal preferences as a parent.

There is so so so much more - this is hardly the tip of the iceberg. But hopefully it gives you an idea of the scope of what's possible, and what those who are interested in pursuing the options have to consider.

Now that we know the options, lets get personal - why not fertility assistance for us?

If my dramatic portrayal of the risks involved didn't indicate well enough how I feel, here it is: I don't think that the potential risks are worth the potential benefits. Said again: the things that could go wrong, and how much that would cost (physically, emotionally, financially, morally) do not outweigh the benefits in my mind.

Another reason: A fellow (Christian) blogger who also suffers from infertility said it this way (not a direct quote, but this is the gist of it): "I don't want to take something that is beautiful and natural and created by God (the act of making a baby) and turn it into a sterile lab procedure." I couldn't have said it better myself.

Another reason: Why does adoption have to be a last resort? "Oh, I tried EVERYTHING and nothing worked, so I guess we have to adopt to get a child." I don't want to look at my adopted child and think "We could have done better." I bet if you ask those who have adopted children, no matter their reason for the adoption, (a group I soon hope to be a part of) they would say that they love and own that child as much as anyone who physically births a baby. I will choose to take a proactive and positive approach to loving my child, no matter how God chooses to give him or her to me. Adoption is a special way of making people into a family, and in my mind is something to be embraced and celebrated. Love is a choice, not a feeling - ask anyone who is happily married. Although not a concept endorsed by our society, I firmly believe that the Bible teaches this.

Another reason: I have said this before, and will say it again. If God wants us to be pregnant, we will be. He doesn't need the help of medical professionals for us to add to our family. There is a child (or hopefully children) out there who God has intended for our family. Whether sitting in an orphanage in India, or in our bodies waiting to be conceived, or waiting to be conceived through someone else that we could someday adopt - I don't care who or where - if God allows the process, whatever it entails, for us to acquire children, then I will feel blessed and be thankful for it.

Another reason: Though these fertility assistance methods have been tested and improved upon over the years, there is certainly never a guarantee. Financially speaking, these can be anywhere from kind-of expensive to you-only-have-enough-money-to-do-this-once-and-even-then-you-just-drained-your-retirement-account expensive. And even then, you could end up with no baby. I have heard countless stories where people spend every dime they have, and put second mortgages on their houses, etc., and at the end of the day, they are still not mommies and daddies. I am much too cheap to take that kind of a risk. Also of note: people who choose to pursue these things get little or no help from insurance, so somehow have to come up with the funds for this on their own. In my mind, money spent here could just as well be invested for a future college tab, or a bunch of trips to India, or any number of other things.

If I haven't somehow answered the questions above yet, I will do so now.

"Are you sure you don't want to try IVF - I know someone it worked for and..."
IVF is an amazing thing, and I am sure it has made countless families very happy. I am happy for those who are happy because of it. I personally know people who have done this, and who it worked for, and they have the most precious and beautiful children as a result. It is still not something I am willing to do. To clarify: we are not saying our choice is right for everyone. At the end of the day, each person has to be able to accept decisions they have made. We all have different ways of looking at things.

"Are you sure you aren't going to someday regret not ever trying harder to have your own child?"
Two answers to this one. First, we aren't going to stop trying to have a biological baby. We will keep doing everything we can do - 2 people in the confines of a bedroom - to become pregnant. I still hope and pray that this will happen for us someday. If it doesn't, I will be thankful for whatever (whomever) God provides. And second, any adopted child we have is OUR child. As much as any biological child we may someday have.

"What will you do with your adopted child if you happen to get pregnant someday?"
Um, duh, love it, and care for it, and punish it, and teach it, and buy it stuff, and play with it, and make it mad, and make it happy, and let it make me mad, and let it make me happy, and laugh with it, and cry with it, and dream about it's future, and celebrate with it, and celebrate its part in our family, and hopefully one day lead it to Christ...I'm sure there's more. And, tell it to say that "At least Mom and Dad chose me - they got stuck with you!" if the biological child ever gave the adopted child grief about being adopted. :)

"Are you sure you're not disappointing (Narasimha or Kristina) by not trying harder?"
We are 2 adults who are happily married and very much want the best for each other before ourselves individually. This is a decision that has been made to be the best, not for either of us individually, but for both of us together and as a family. This decision has not been made without much conversation and prayer, and many moments of sadness and tears about our missing children, and many moments of hope and happiness looking forward to what lies ahead for our family. This is no small decision and we do not take it lightly. May I encourage you that unless you have been "there" (whether "there" is infertility, dealing with sick family members, personal problems, financial difficulties, etc.) don't give advice to people who are dealing with "there" - just be encouraging. And if you can't do that, don't say anything at all. I am not saying that you are not allowed to lovingly raise important issues that may not have been considered/discussed. But if the people directly involved say "Yup, I've thought of that and I'm willing to deal with it," then believe them and let it go.

"Is this something your religion won't let you do?"
My religion isn't Baptist (although that's what it says on the church we attend) - my religion is being a follower of Jesus Christ, or "Christian." The Christian handbook is the Bible, and no, it doesn't say anywhere in the Bible that "Thou shall not do IVF." You can look - it's not in there. Through the Bible, however, we can learn Christian principles, and learn to know God better, and through those things we can feel like we are making decisions that would best please God. Though I don't think that fertility assistance measures necessarily fall under the category of black and white "sin" I think there are a lot of issues in fertility assistance that do count as "sin" and then a lot of gray area. I personally try to look at Christian living on a good-better-best continuum. Maybe before "good" would be not necessarily sin, but not good. That is where I would personally, especially for my life, place IVF. And then you have to be careful, because there are so many things that could push you into the "sin" category. I don't know why, with so many homeless children out there, I would make myself face these tough choices when I can get a child without doing so. I know from the Bible that God loves me and wants me to be happy, as a child of His. I also know He wants me to trust Him unconditionally for everything I want and need. I also know that if I wait and do things His way rather than try on my own, I will be much happier and more at peace with any outcome that happens (interesting Biblical parallel - read in Genesis 16 about Abraham and Sarah's infertility, and what they did about it, and how that turned out). I will choose to wait. Waiting doesn't mean doing nothing, and it doesn't necessarily mean not exploring options. I believe that adoption is in a sense taking things in our own hands. The difference here is that there isn't really anything about it that is "sin," and if we approach it prayerfully and still asking for God's blessing, we can have peace that this is what He intends for our family. My God is a God of love, and He wants us to manifest His love unconditionally, and adoption is one way I believe we can do that, and make Him happy and still get what we want, which is a family.

Yikes, that's a lot of info for one post. This will probably be about the last time I talk about fertility assistance - I just wanted to set the record straight. My identity will continue to be defined by infertility, and also now as an (potential) adoptive parent. I know this is long - I hope it was helpful for you, no matter how much you know about infertility or issues surrounding it.

May Narasimha and I continue to want to please our God more than anyone else, and may God be honored by this issue of infertility/adoption in our lives.

Puzzling Results - A Follow-up

This post is a follow-up to a post I wrote back in November regarding some puzzling post-operative test results we received regarding our infertility. We have had more tests to get to the bottom of what was/is going on, and the result is that we still don't know. We have now been to 4 different institutions, to see whose results were close to each other, and what seemed more believable and reliable, and after all 4 different places, we still have no clear-cut answers. Basically, two places have values that are similar to each other, and the other two places have values that are similar to each other, but the gap in the 2 and 2 values is huge, and not at all consistent.

The moral of the story: it doesn't really matter. We are still not pregnant, and that is the bottom line. It never did matter - I just wanted to see if someone was blatantly lying to us (specifically: the institution that performed the surgery).

No matter what the test results: we still could get pregnant someday. Modern medicine, in either scenario, would tell us that we will need some sort of fertility assistance to get pregnant. The difference there is what sort of assistance we would likely need - also a mute point since we have decided against that.

So, my conclusion: medicine is a science, but also sometimes a quack (maybe more often than not - who knows - another mute point). And my inner cynic comes to the surface :)