In Sickness and In Health

Well once again it's been quite a while. Life goes so fast sometimes and it's hard to keep up...

This week has been no different in that there's always so much to do, but a little different in that we've had an unexpected but pretty much mandatory slow-down. Our house was hit by the flu. Yup - my doctor hubby was rendered pretty much incapacitated for the better part of this week.

Monday he was tired and sneezing. Tuesday he didn't feel well but went to work anyways (it's hard for the clinic staff to reschedule a whole day's patients at the last minute, and call schedule changes, and blah blah blah...). By early Tuesday afternoon his nurse let him sleep for an hour with his head on his desk before he finished out his afternoon. Tuesday evening when he got home from work he fell asleep in the chair and I had to wake him to get ready for bed hours later. By Wed AM his temp was 104.5, and then he started regularly pumping Tylenol. That evening he started Tamiflu. He missed work Thursday and today as well, though he is now slowly on the mend.

I also have had a little of it - I have been achy and pretty tired and have had a fever on and off, but haven't needed meds and I've bounced back lots quicker. At least one of us was able to be fairly normal because Jaxx hasn't been very forgiving...

I have learned in the last week a little about our marriage which was kind of surprising to me. We normally spend almost all of our time together (when he's not at work, obviously) and with him sleeping all the time I found myself kinda lonely, and I don't generally consider myself to be a "needy" person. But I've missed him. I also found that I was less patient with him and his needs than I would have thought I would be. Don't get me wrong - I still helped him and nursed him and did everything I needed to, but it gave me a real perspective on the marriage vow "In sickness and in health."

So many people sail through so much of their marriage not having to fully grasp what the unpleasantness of that vow can mean. I dealt with it for less than a week and I'm ready for hubby to be back to self-sufficiency. I have a new respect for those who are in a marriage where the health of their spouse requires so much more than I've ever had to give for long periods of time. Now, if it were asked of me to do so, would I? Yes, I would like to think that I would. Would I like it? Maybe not, but probably for many reasons.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting at. It's late - it's been a long week. There are lots of spiritual applications that could be drawn from this but I don't really have the state of mind to go there. So I guess this is just a personal pondering of: selfishness, love, sacrifice, marriage, responsibility, etc. And how a week with the flu made me consider my marriage and be very thankful for the husband I have and the general health God has chosen to bless us with most of the time.

The Meeting

Well this report is a little overdue and doesn't have a "happily ever after" ending but I'll share anyways for all of you who are wondering and who have said kind and encouraging words over the last week or so.

The meeting went really well. We met at a Chinese restaurant (Narasimha, me, our friends who know the birthmom, the birthmom, and her mom) and had a nice lunch. When we got there I thought "this place is so crowded how are we ever going to talk about something so serious?" but it ended up working out perfectly. I don't think anyone wanted to talk with all those people around so we just had a nice lunch and got to know each other better. By the time we were done eating the restaurant cleared out. The food was gone and the bill was paid and we were all sitting there looking at our hands - no one knew where to start. Finally I broke the silence and we had a really nice talk. We told her that we care about her - not just because she's carrying a baby we'd like to have, but because she's a person and she's in a scary place. We talked about her options (abortion, adoption, keeping the baby) and the pros and cons of each (and, if you're wondering, I pointed out how we can be tricked into thinking the cons are really pros in the case of abortion, where there really are no "pros"). We talked about what being a mother might look like in her situation - how hard it would be and how she might not be ready. We talked about adoption and how even though it's not easy, sometimes (and more often in certain situations) it really is the most loving and selfless thing an expectant mom can do for her baby and for another family. We showed her the faces of 2 people who want a baby more than we even know how to express, and how we're normal, happy people who just can't have kids. We told her that if she adopted it out, we would be honored if she would consider/choose us to raise her baby, but that there was no obligation and would be no hard feelings if she wanted to check out other families. I told her I would be there to support her every step of the way no matter what she ended up choosing to do. We gave her the number for a pregnancy counselor from Bethany Christian Services (an adoption agency that I've heard supports their birth moms very well). Upon a question she asked, we talked a little about how we thought we'd raise the baby if she did give it to us. On the way out we all hugged and she excitedly showed me an ultrasound she had just a few days earlier. The baby was just a little white peanut on the fuzzy black background.

I think she had a fair amount of pressure to abort the baby, but I never got the feeling that she had any interest in doing so. I think in her mind it was whether to keep it (which I think she really wanted to do, but knew she would have a really hard time doing) or give it to another family.

Unfortunately this story does not have a warm fuzzy ending. Last night when I was coaching at my volleyball game I got a voicemail from her. She didn't feel "right" so she was on her way to the doctor. We texted back and forth and she said she might be losing the baby but she wouldn't know until Thursday (tomorrow). I got a text about a half hour ago saying that she lost the baby.

I told her I am praying for her and that I'd like to continue to have a relationship with her - she is really a great person and honestly after the meeting I was torn about even wanting her baby because that would have probably meant less of a relationship with her, which I also want. I am going to go visit her soon. Please pray for her during this difficult time - she must be feeling a lot of different things right now. I know I am.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (my paraphrase) You do not have any trial or hardship in your life that others haven't gone through before - it may be tough but it's not unique and you're not alone. God is faithful and He'll never give you more than He'll help you to handle, and because of how much He loves you He'll give you a way not just to survive but to thrive in any situation, no matter how hard it is. The ultimate victory is in honoring Christ in the midst of any struggle.

A Meeting

We get to meet the expectant mom. TOMORROW! I still have no idea that it will work out, or even that it should, but to be an encouragement to a woman in need will be worth the time no matter what happens. Please pray for our words and our hearts - that when we meet we are most concerned with this woman and her baby and their well-being, and that our own interest in the situation is not selfish or manipulative. I talked with a friend and her words made me realize that this woman's need right now, if she doesn't personally have a relationship with Jesus (and I don't think she does), has everything to do with that lack of relationship and nothing to do with her baby. If she gives her life to Christ then everything else in her life, including this baby, will fall into place. It might not be easy, but this avenue called pregnancy could be leading her to the highway called eternal salvation. Nothing is more important.

A Baby

Well, I have something to report for those who are interested and to ask for prayer for those of you who pray.

I was approached by a friend and told of a baby that she knows of that could potentially be available for adoption. The parents of this baby are not ready to be parents and for some reason (praise God - no matter if we got the baby or not) they are not interested in abortion. So, there is a baby that will likely need a home. Apparently the mother is only a month or two along in the pregnancy, so it would give us plenty of time to work out the details.

I obviously want a baby - we've tried to get pregnant for over 4 years now, which seems at times like an eternity. But, I don't know if this baby is for us. So we'll wait and see. And pray a whole lot in the meantime. Several people in the last few years have said stuff to us like "I know a pregnant lady who might be giving her baby up..." or "I heard of a baby the other day and thought of you two..." so, I've heard this before and won't be getting my hopes too far up. I don't even know if it's possible with Narasimha's immigration status - I don't know if we can adopt an American baby. All details we'll have to check into. So, in my free time (HA! - I have none) I will see what I can find out on the internet and calling around.

But, if this little one is a baby for our family, well, I can't help but feel a little excited about that.

Pray for us as we check into this and make decisions - I am sure there will be many.

What's the Catch?

A week ago was my last day of class (more about that in a different post) and as I was on my way out of town to come home I called my mom to see if I could stop by and visit her at work before I left. She said sure, and then asked if I'd be able to stop by at a gas station and pick her up a fountain drink. Her job is physically strenuous and she was in the middle of something, so of course I said "No problem."

I got to the gas station, and only needed to buy the soda (no gas or anything else). So I went in and did what she said - 1/3 full of ice, a "shot" of cherry flavor, and fill it up with Pepsi. As I walked up to the counter with my money in my hand the young man behind the counter looked at my cup and said "Is that all?" Yup, that was it. "Well, then it's free," he said. Huh? He explained that since it was the gas station's grand re-opening or whatever they were giving away fountain drinks of that size for free all weekend. So then me (being the quick learner I am) said, "So I don't have to give you any money?" He laughed and shook his head and said no. So I thanked him, and walked back to my car - money still in hand, and probably still a confused look on my face.

As I was driving my mom's cherry soda to her I was thinking of how often our interactions with God look all too much like my interaction with the boy behind the counter who probably was thinking "How does this woman get out of bed in the morning?" :)

How often do we hear of God's free gift to us of salvation (John 3:16), and yet we somehow can't grasp that when someone says "Free" we don't have to give payment.

What about those of us who have accepted God's free gift? We know that when we die we will be bound for an eternity in heaven with a Holy God who sent his Son to earth to take our punishment. How often do even we base our works on staying on God's "good side" or maybe earning an extra Christian gold star to put by our name? I am reminded of the prophet Isaiah's words that our good works are no better than filthy rags when illuminated by the presence of the holiness of God (Isaiah 64:6).

So where do we go from here? Does this mean that since our works are worthless we forget about it - accept our salvation and do what we want? NO! Of course not! Our works don't change our salvation - our salvation changes our works. That little difference of the order of those words actually isn't so little. We don't work FOR our salvation - we work BECAUSE OF our salvation. We do our best to show our thankfulness and love for a Savior who did so much for us! Are your works and interactions with people every minute of every day a testament of what God has done for your eternity? I know mine aren't! Thank goodness for God's loving grace - not only to save us from our sins, but also to allow us to live for Him more and more each day!

I hope this was an encouragement to you. And I hope, as you go through your "daily grind" you are able to see God in something as small as a free fountain drink :)

Ladies' Book Club

I want to share something that I have started in our local church - just to share and also to ask for prayer (that rhymed ;)

I always wanted to start something like this in the church we came from, but I finally am getting around to doing it here, and I'm really excited for what God can do with it.

It's called "Ladies' Book Club" and basically it is a voluntary group for ladies of our church, and visitors or friends, to read a book and then get together informally and talk about it. I personally really love to read, and I love to read a little bit of everything - from fiction, to apologetics, to counseling, to exegetical study - a variety of really anything. I have read SO MANY great books as a returning seminary student, and just out of personal interest.

So I typed up a proposal to give to our church elders for approval - I could have done it outside the church and on my own, with friends only, but I really think that something like this has the potential to connect women from the church and create closer relationships among people who might not be obvious "friends." So the church approved it and we're on our way.

The way I plan to do it: I picked several books that I feel will promote good conversation. Not all the books are theologically "perfect" - which I think is also a good thing. I want to be able to pick a book apart and talk about what good can be gotten and what are the issues one should beware of, thus further solidifying the basis of our faith. We will do a book every 2 months. I will hand out the info for the next book at the discussion hour of the current book. I have also printed up an optional "Discussion Aid" with questions to get people thinking more in depth about the book.

Our first book is Beautiful in God's Eyes by Elizabeth George. It is a fairly quick and easy read, and I think it has content that can be applied to the life of any woman. It is basically an applicational study of Proverbs 31. We are meeting to discuss the book in mid-May.

If you remember, please pray for this ministry, and for me as I lead the discussion groups. If you are interested in joining us, contact me :) If you can't come but would like my notes on the book or the Discussion Aid for your own personal use, contact me. And, if you have any books that you think would be a beneficial addition to our line-up, let me know! I want to add books that will grow us, stretch our thinking and faith, and bring us together in Jesus' name. I would also welcome suggestions if you are a part of something like this in your own local church :)

Thanks

I would like to share something I am thankful for this year. Here goes...

I am thankful for our infertility. Don't get me wrong - I am still sad, and I still want a baby as much as ever (though I am working on being ok with the very real possibility that children might not be in my future), but I am working on having a thankful heart for this and everything else I have in life, whether it feels "good" or "bad."

God loves me and promises to give me His best for me. Our infertility is a gift from God. It's tough to see it, and especially to feel it, but it is theologically true. Infertility is God's best for my life. It is a blessing. It is being used to grow me into the person God wants me to be. It enables me to serve in the areas God wants me to serve. It gives me compassion to minister to those who need compassion as only I, in my unique circumstances, can give.

It is not easy, trust me, and just this last week I have had to deal with some painful information regarding this whole infertility journey. But it's ok. And not only is it ok - it's what's best for me. And, it's hard for me to be thankful for this. But I am working on thinking this way all the time. It's a work in progress.

Thanksgiving Day was spent with my family. We were able to take one of our youth group girls with us to spend the day, and it was fun to have her around and spend time with her.

Friday we got up very early (1:30 AM) and drove to Des Moines to do Black Friday shopping. We were at the mall by 3:30, and we didn't get home until almost 6 PM. Then to dinner with friends.

It was a good weekend, fun with family and friends. Now back to the grind and getting ready for this holiday season and what's sure to be a very busy winter. Just looking at my calendar for the next few months makes my head spin.

Hope you all had a fantastic Thanksgiving with family and friends, and hope you were able to take some time to reflect on the blessings God has given you - whether obvious or "hidden."

Thank you, Jesus, for "working all things together for good." (Romans 8:28)

Life is Short

My husband and I are youth group leaders at our church with another couple. Our group is fairly small and normally runs about 10 kids on a Wednesday evening.

I found out this AM that a boy who visited a few weeks ago, a senior in high school, was killed last night in a car accident. He hadn't been back again since his first visit. I am unsure if he had ever placed his trust in Christ.

I am in shock. I hardly knew this boy, though several of our girls went to his school. I keep trying to remember everything that happened the night he visited, but one question keeps coming to the forefront: Did we clearly present the salvation message the night he was there? And the answer is: I don't know.

I am pretty sure the week he visited we watched the second part of a video meant to discredit the theory of evolution from a Biblical perspective. But I just don't remember everything that was said when talking about the video before and after.

I think sometimes in my responsibility as a youth leader I get lazy - I always think "Aw, these kids are young, they'll be back - we'll deal with issue xyz next week." But they might not be back. They might not even make it home that night.

I have heard of a lot of deaths of young people lately - maybe no more of them are dying - maybe word just travels faster on the internet so you hear of it more...

One thing is certain: my eyes have been opened to the fact that life is short, and there are no sure things. My salvation has been sealed and I am ready to meet Jesus. But am I sure that everyone I talk to can say that same thing? Of course not. Do I need to do a better job of witnessing? Yes of course. Am I going to? I better.

This has been a wake up call for me: Wake up and love people enough to make sure they know Jesus the FIRST time, because it might be your last time talking to them.

Please pray for Leo's family and for the 2 survivors of the accident, who are also HS boys.

And if you've happened upon this blog and don't know me or what I'm talking about, don't wait to find out. This isn't a doomsday commercial, but anything could happen at any time. Email me at nkiowa@hotmail.com or find a Holy Bible and read the book of Romans.